stuff in the world I don't get

[rm]

Written earlier:

I'm on lunch break at film school.

This thing just happened where I went to plug in my laptop where I had yesterday and a woman in a polite and official manner said to me, "Oh there's a nominal fee to use the outlet."

I was embarrassed because I had used the outlet for free yesterday, so I removed my computer from it and apologized.

She said, "I was joking! I can't believe you fell for that!"

This is one of those moments that sort of highlights how hard it is for me to be in the world sometimes. Because I have absolutely no comprehension of why this just happened.

I understand that people who know each other engage in teasing sometimes. This can be funny and relates to us all knowing our foibles. Patty and I tease each other quite a bit, although sometimes she has to explain to me that I am being teased and it's okay -- although not as often in the past, as I'm getting better and getting when it's happening and why it's happening when it's her and that it's affectionate.

I also get that sometimes people say thing maliciously that are about their own insecurity and they use teasing as an excuse for the behavior. I had a good friend growing up that I used to do this to and her to me. I have an ex who often bullied me in this manner as well.

I even understand a stranger pulling a stunt like this (and it's not dissimilar to stunts I've pulled on friends, like the "packs of feral chihuahuas" thing).

What I don't understand is why when you realize the matter has been misconstrued in a way that's painful or awkward for both of you, why instead of stopping at "I was teasing!" or "I'm sorry" you would continue on to say "I can't believe you fell for that" which translates to me as "I was joking but you, complete stranger, are stupid."

I am not particularly angry or upset. I was very pleasant to the woman. I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just very embarrassed right now." I smiled and removed myself from the situation because I did wrong. Because it's not her fault that I completely don't get this very basic type of social interaction.

It's such a weird thing to me. Why don't I get it? I view people in a very nuanced way, am highly attuned to politics and social interaction. I get people. But I don't get some of the structures people fit into. And this was one of them. And I'm posting about it because I've never had a moment where it's been so clearly illustrated to me before.

A thing happened, that I COMPLETELY do not comprehend. I don't feel stupid or frustrated or sad. I just feel like "why would other people understand this?" "What is the purpose of this action?"

But hey, I'm waiting for take out sushi, and then it's back to class, where I will sit in the back to eat my sushi and keep my laptop plugged into a wall on the opposite side of where this occurred so that I can have awesome notes, because that, the how to, is more important than my not getting something and making a fool out of myself, both because I was gullible and because I didn't understand the ritual I was engaged with.

Aside from not being gullible (I was trying to be appropriate and kind), can anyone tell me what the correct response was had I understood the deception? Surely, pointing out the deception and ruining the tease would be as inappropriate as falling for it, yes?

Comments

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Um, what?

I'm a very teasable person, because I get embarrassed easily and am "over" sensitive and am not always sure if I'm being teased with affection being mocked.

This has caused strain within my family and my friends, though both those groups are do stuff because they love me, I guess, and I practice teasing on my nephews, because I still don't know how to do it properly.

So, yeah, I can relate somewhat to your experience.

That woman, was an idiot and she was simply rude to you, a stranger. Hence the "Um, what?"

[marcmagus]

With apologies for insulting your family and friends, but that should make you an unteasable person.

A teasable person would be one who consistently gets it and responds back in kind. A person who's extremely gullible (or gullible at first but gets it on a double-take) and consistently enjoys being fooled would also qualify.

Someone who frequently doesn't get it and gets embarrassed is a poor target, because it's hard to know if you're hurting them with your teasing, and the laughter becomes the embarrassed laughter of "Something horrible may have just happened and we're trying to smooth it over by laughing" rather than the positive laughter of "We're all having a good time here."

I'm sorry it sounds like the people close to you don't get that. I know it's tough when a group that typically teases has a member that doesn't react well, and you don't want to ostracize them by not treating them like one of the family, but suggesting you're more fun than most people to tease is a step in the wrong direction.

[yoiyami.livejournal.com]

You did not do anything wrong. Someone was rude to you and deliberately went out of their way to embarrass you. I hate that kind of behavior. There is absolutely no purpose other to make themselves feel superior.

[random-girl.livejournal.com]

My experience has been that people in this situation fall loosely into groups: the sociable and the potentially mean. Even saying "I can't believe you fell for that" doesn't necessarily make it mean. Its hard for people to talk to other people, most especially when they are strangers. If you seemed interesting to this person, this was a way to talk to you, and once you apologized and started to withdraw, extending the conversation with "I can't believe you fell for that," is an attempt to engage you before you completely flee.

Was there a lot of nervous laughter? Did the words come up on the end (not quite a question, but close)? Or was there a straight stare and a slight smile for the entire thing? Nervous laughter, up on the end--likely to be trying to engage with you. Straight stare + slight smile = likely to be someone taking out a bad mood/though/hair on you.

[supertailz.livejournal.com]

I tend to find most of the time - as mentioned above - that people do this to create a connection or intimacy. It's just often in a really asshole way. So you're totally not at fault for not getting it/being confused/calling her on it.

I once had a doctor tell me that I needed something major done and when I asked if my insurance would cover it/how much it'd cost me he made some comment about it costing thousands of dollars for me. After I seriously freaked out, he responded that he'd only been teasing and of course my insurance would cover it.


...I never went back. He freaked me out so badly and it was just so unconscionable. I understand that this is sometimes how people connect and I certainly tease people I'm close to a lot, but not knowing and understanding limits - particularly those that come with being a stranger or having authority - turns it into a potentially really awful situation.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

What your doctor did and the incident rm recounts have something in common-- a person with the authority to enforce lying about how much they will do. This may be in a different category than most sorts of teasing.

[capulet-rose.livejournal.com]

This kind of teasing has always been tough for me. I had to deal with it quite frequently from a coworker recently and finally had to have a really awkward and embarrassing talk with her about it.

[teleens-journal.livejournal.com]

Hrm.

This is tough, because I've been there and I'm gullible in a similar way. I've have total strangers give me shit for no good reason and laugh at me when I take them seriously.

However, I've been getting to the point where I don't put up with it. At all.

Last night at work, it wasn't a stranger, but one of the bouncers that I barely know decided to block my way into the dressing room to be funny.

Without missing a beat, I said, "Get the FUCK out of my way," and gave him my best death glare. He moved and deflated. I immediately gave him my best smile and touched his arm as I moved past. Tease given and taken. All's right in the neon jungle.

Actually, now that I sit here and type out that description, I feel as though it is some sort of primitive dance for dominance, where people find out just how far they can push each other.

I don't get it either and honestly? I think I'd be an unhappier person if I did.

*hugs*

[sanat.livejournal.com]

It does just seem to boil down to tussles for temporary dominance in everyday life, doesn't it? As someone who experienced early socialization as almost ceaseless dogpiling and silencing, I hate it. :(

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Oh, I *hate* crap like that! The Taco Bell near us sometimes has this guy at the drive-through who pretends to get my order wrong - like, I'll say "bean burrito, no onions" and he'll say "bean burrito, extra onions" and I want to CRAWL THROUGH THE DRIVE THROUGH SPEAKER AND STRANGLE HIM. Clearly he thinks he's funny...

[lyorn.livejournal.com]

OMG, yes. This "I do not understand you" I hate with a burning passion. Talk about triggering. I used to have a bad speech disorder, and people not understanding what I'm saying still gets me into instant vortex of "I will never be able to communicate" despair. By now I am able to repeat myself *once*. After that... on a good day I'd murmer "I'm sorry, forget it" and run away. On a bad day I burst into tears. I can't control it and it's very annoying, but it really makes an impression.

[lefaym.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I would have totally fallen for that too.

In 2005, I was in Dublin, taking photos in St. Stephens Green, and a guy who looked like a groundskeeper came up to me and told me that there was a fee for taking photos -- and I fell for it.

And yeah, it sucks, not being able to get when people are teasing or being serious.

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

i fucking hate it when ppl do shit like that

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I would have fallen for it too.

It's possible that she was trying to cover up her own social embarrassment at having caused you discomfort with her "I can't believe you fell for it!" line, which is sometimes supposed to convey "I didn't mean for you to take me so seriously as to move, and I am sorry, but I am also saving face, please play along and laugh too now."

[xpioti.livejournal.com]

I don't have time to read the other comments, but IMO you had exactly the right reaction. I've met people who pull that sort of stupid crap and think it's funny, and I don't care to hang out with them; I don't appreciate being the butt of jokes, and IME that's what that was. (I have better ways to waste my time.)

[ekatarina.livejournal.com]

I am with you on this. I despise it when people try to do that sort of thing.

One of my responses "When someone speaks to me I do not usually asume they are lying to me." or something along those lines.

Ekatarina

[5251962.livejournal.com]

Me, too- when I'm nailed with some sort of teasing from a stranger, I've got a bad habit of being really cutting in response. It's a knee jerk thing and it isn't nice, but that non-apology would have had me livid.

[thought-ribbons.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel better I would have done the same thing. Or I would have said something like "Really? Is there a sign or something?" Just to make sure i'm not having my leg pulled.

If it was my friend coming up to me and saying something like that I would have thrown something (small and non harming) at them and told them to f-off. But for a totally random person to do it... it's just weird!! Maybe the person thought they were being funny... but sheesh it was actually kinda rude/mean to do that. So it wasn't you sweetie it was them!

[andrewducker]

It's a simple pack dominance manoeuvre. She demonstrated her control over you, and thus placed herself above you in the hierarchy.

This kind of manoeuvre is generally only performed by people in the same tribe as you - performing it on people outside of your own group is bad manners, because it doesn't gain you anything, and annoys the other person. It's generally performed by someone who either lacks empathy, or doesn't really understand the system (but has observed it enough to pick up a few tricks).

Excellent discussion about teasing

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Teasing

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[lyorn.livejournal.com]

You reacted better socialised than I would have. Had she said, "just joking, sorry", I would have stared at her while trying to re-arrange my thoughts and might have reached a "So I can plug in in? You are, like, sure? Really? Is there any person I could ask?" because I'm deeply insecure about using *any* kind of public resource. But after an "I don't believe you fell for that" I'd probably have just stared while *attempting* to re-arrange my thoughts and failing. Which would probably have led to her stuttering and then getting a fight-or-flight reaction, because no one likes getting stared as if they just walked out of an UFO and endorsed underpants gnome economy, accompanying themselves on a triangle.

Fortunately my friends by now know that I have no sense of humour at all in this direction, and that I will take everything literally that is not obviously absurd.

[yamx]

You didn't do anything wrong.

The point of "I can't believe you fell for that!" is to say "It wasn't my fault!" As you said, she created an embarrassing situation for both of you. Saying "I'm sorry," would have meant acknowledging that she did that.

By saying "I can't believe you fell for that!" she's placing the blame on your doorstep--"I'M not a stupid git for doing this, I had really no way of predicting you'd actually buy it!"

It's not true, of course. You reacted the way almost everyone would have. She didn't think her "joke" through. But it's a cop out--a way for her to save face.

[forest-rose.livejournal.com]

Yet another person here who wouldn't have got the 'joke'. I occasionally tease my patients, but only very gently and only after I've built up a rapport with them - and only if I know they're well enough and the sort of person who will respond well to it. I always do it with a smile, too, so they know I'm joking. I can't fathom a complete stranger who has no previous interaction with you trying to trick you - unless she was flirting, I suppose? Doing it wrong, but maybe flirting.

[jethrien.livejournal.com]

I'm going to vote with those who think it was a particularly clumsy social gambit--I think she was trying to break the ice, but didn't do it so well. My dad occasionally does this kind of thing to random strangers he's trying to be friendly towards (although he usually uses a jokey tone from the start so it's pretty obvious he's kidding; I don't think I've ever seen someone believe he's serious). It makes me cringe.

The response he's looking for is a jokey answer back; usually hyperbole is appropriate. ("Well, add it to my tab", "$3000/minute sound about right?", "That's a lot better than the last workshop--they charged for air!") If you're really unsure about whether they're kidding, you can go with just slight hyperbole with a smile ("Let me guess, $10/minute?"), so if they're serious they can just assure you that it isn't quite that bad, here's the actual price.

But that's assuming you've caught on and want to play along. I agree that it's kind of an obnoxious game, and you have no obligation to play.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Lots of other people have already said things I might have. Yes, I would have believed her, too, and then would have been embarrassed and felt stupid when she admitted that it had been a joke. I usually believe what people tell me, and I don't think that makes me stupid. It means that I expect (and prefer) honest interaction. I like jokes, but I don't like being the butt of them, and I don't appreciate people forcing me to be the butt of them. I think it's mean. I also think that sometimes other people don't REALIZE that it's mean, so I would try not to view one such interaction as proof that the person in question was trying to be malicious or cruel unless I had other examples along the same lines.

*Hugs you*

[5251962.livejournal.com]

I don't think your reaction was at all inappropriate. Then again, I've got a bad temper and I hate that sort of teasing- even more so when followed with the non-apology patronizing crap.

Having said that- now I have to know, what is the "packs of feral chihuahuas" thing?

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

I, for one, can't believe that Plug Lady thought that joke was funny. I have no patience for mind games like that.

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

When I can't tell if someone is joking or not in a situation like this, I find that looking them in the eye and saying something like "Really?" will usually out the joke, although, sometimes people will try to take it further and affirm what they just said. It's like a test of their ability to lie effectively or something. And other times, it isn't a joke and is surprisingly for real, although I can't recall a ridiculous story to back that up so it must not happen very often.

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

I just realized that when I met my husband, he may have suspected that I was pulling something similar when I was trying to be nice and save him from wasting his money and time in frustration. I was near the video game room in the student center at our university and he walked up to a game (the Star Wars game) that I knew had a broken controller and to put money in it. I told him it was broken and he put the money in anyway and said something to the effect of I'll see. So I hung around and watched him play the game with the broken controller and we ended up talking more and finding we shared an interest in science fiction.