stuff in the world I don't get

[rm]

Written earlier:

I'm on lunch break at film school.

This thing just happened where I went to plug in my laptop where I had yesterday and a woman in a polite and official manner said to me, "Oh there's a nominal fee to use the outlet."

I was embarrassed because I had used the outlet for free yesterday, so I removed my computer from it and apologized.

She said, "I was joking! I can't believe you fell for that!"

This is one of those moments that sort of highlights how hard it is for me to be in the world sometimes. Because I have absolutely no comprehension of why this just happened.

I understand that people who know each other engage in teasing sometimes. This can be funny and relates to us all knowing our foibles. Patty and I tease each other quite a bit, although sometimes she has to explain to me that I am being teased and it's okay -- although not as often in the past, as I'm getting better and getting when it's happening and why it's happening when it's her and that it's affectionate.

I also get that sometimes people say thing maliciously that are about their own insecurity and they use teasing as an excuse for the behavior. I had a good friend growing up that I used to do this to and her to me. I have an ex who often bullied me in this manner as well.

I even understand a stranger pulling a stunt like this (and it's not dissimilar to stunts I've pulled on friends, like the "packs of feral chihuahuas" thing).

What I don't understand is why when you realize the matter has been misconstrued in a way that's painful or awkward for both of you, why instead of stopping at "I was teasing!" or "I'm sorry" you would continue on to say "I can't believe you fell for that" which translates to me as "I was joking but you, complete stranger, are stupid."

I am not particularly angry or upset. I was very pleasant to the woman. I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just very embarrassed right now." I smiled and removed myself from the situation because I did wrong. Because it's not her fault that I completely don't get this very basic type of social interaction.

It's such a weird thing to me. Why don't I get it? I view people in a very nuanced way, am highly attuned to politics and social interaction. I get people. But I don't get some of the structures people fit into. And this was one of them. And I'm posting about it because I've never had a moment where it's been so clearly illustrated to me before.

A thing happened, that I COMPLETELY do not comprehend. I don't feel stupid or frustrated or sad. I just feel like "why would other people understand this?" "What is the purpose of this action?"

But hey, I'm waiting for take out sushi, and then it's back to class, where I will sit in the back to eat my sushi and keep my laptop plugged into a wall on the opposite side of where this occurred so that I can have awesome notes, because that, the how to, is more important than my not getting something and making a fool out of myself, both because I was gullible and because I didn't understand the ritual I was engaged with.

Aside from not being gullible (I was trying to be appropriate and kind), can anyone tell me what the correct response was had I understood the deception? Surely, pointing out the deception and ruining the tease would be as inappropriate as falling for it, yes?

Comments

[maryling.livejournal.com]

I don't get it either. But then, I'm also not very well-socialized.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

I have no clue; I don't get that sort of thing, either. I don't think it was gullibility on your part. Among friends, certainly. A couple of my friends and I do - not similar, exactly - things all the time, unless we're having fibroflares or high migraine levels. We also know each other well enough to know, without saying, when joking around just won't work, because hello? high pain levels...

Pulling something like that on a stranger or relative stranger? Completely rude.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

My thoughts exactly - teasing a stranger like that it bizarre and rude.

[easter.livejournal.com]

You did not do anything wrong, except, perhaps, allow her rudeness to drive you from a place where you had a perfect right to be. You aren't the one who is lacking social skills -- she is. It was at best puzzling to tease a stranger in that way (I hate being teased by people WHOM I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, and hate even more being labeled a "Poor Sport" when the interaction does not play out as they wish) and her tacked on "I can't believe you fell for..." was absolutely, unquestionably, rude. Yuck, I'm sorry.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

Agreed - the embarrassment should have been hers (and perhaps was) because she made another person feel embarrassed with her clumsy attempt at joking and then her out of order critical comment that followed. Miss Manners would be extremely displeased with such a person, and would say they most certainly owe rm an apology.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I can't offer advice, as my role in that type of interaction would have been very similar to yours and I've never been able to formulate what others would consider an appropriate response in such a situation. However, I definitely offer my sympathy for your feelings of awkwardness.

[melebeth]

You are not the only person this happens to. Also? The Starbucks I used to spend all my time at recently blocked up its outlets so that people can't use them, so I don't find this even remotely unbelievable.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Starbucks fail. That like kills the whole point of Starbucks.

[chicleeblair.livejournal.com]

I would have been you in this situation too. That's really awkward and uncalled for.

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

Actually, it wasn't teasing. It was (moderatly) socially acceptable petty cruelty -- the goal was to make you feel stupid and embarrassed.

It wasn't teasing, it was soemthing she could do to cause someone else discomfort w/o getting called on it.

[keever.livejournal.com]

This. I use this kind of behavior as a yardstick for assholery. People who engage in it become people I never really trust again.

[esper3k.livejournal.com]

I think most people would kind of laugh uncomfortably at her and hope she goes away.

Of course, the response we would all like to have is to call her a bitch and punch her in the face...

[fiwen1010.livejournal.com]

TBH, I don't think this was you. There are some distinctly odd people in the world who think that doing that to a stranger is okay (the ones who do it to me tend to be creepy old men, for some reason. I seem to attract them), but, yeah, she was out of line.

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

Because it's not her fault that I completely don't get this very basic type of social interaction.

Wait, what?

Honey, no. That bullshit is NOT basic social interaction. It was her being rude and stupid, and frankly, if I were her Mama, I'd take her ass over my knee and paddle her soundly for being a mannerless git. And if I were her Boss? I'd FIRE her.

Because, no.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Ditto.
I've been in situations like that. I'll ask about something and the official person, a stranger to me, will say something, "Oh, no, you can't do that here!" and I'll startle, because I assumed it was totally fine to do said thing, and then they'll laugh and say "Nah, just kidding, you can totally do that here!" Sometimes they'll add "The look on your face was priceless!" and then I'll kind of feel like a scolded puppy.
I do NOT get that sort of thing at all. Why would people do that to each other? It serves no real purpose, other than to say "Ha ha, these people are so silly and I enjoy freaking them out!"

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I *think* she wanted you to praise her skill at pulling off a prank like that. "Oh, you got me *good* !"

I note that the rough and tumble is a ritual that comes more easily to those accustomed to being in power/having privilege, and that I've observed less clued-in members of those groups (as this woman is, I think?) boggled that someone whose experience is full of microaggressions and being bullied is unable to participate in the hazing ritual well.

(I don't do it well. When I try, I'm too rough, or am perceived so by those with societal privilege/power.)

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Those of us used to being on the bottom know that when we get in a fight, we have to finish it fast - so we hit hard and below the belt. This is seen as "not playing fair" by those for whom it's "just playing", and sound tactics by other former victims. Unfortunately, sometimes hitting back at all, or hitting below the belt, means they'll gang up on you. (All the other girls on the playground now call you a bitch because you didn't play according to the rules.) Gauging the appropriate reaction to what we perceive as an attack and other people farther up that totem pole think of as "just playing" is difficult.

Laughing it off is usually a darn good try, though.

[irismoonlight.livejournal.com]

Purpose? You'd have to ask her, but I'd say it was probably a) her own amusement, or, and I may be stretching goodwill massively, b) a way of connecting. Kinda depends on her tone when she said "I can't believe.." She might have been exclaiming over her success rather than your gullibility. Depends on her purpose in teasing people in general. She might, in fact, expect you to pull something on her later if you're interested in getting to know her.

Why yes, this is elementary school behavior, but some of us do it well into adulthood because... well, largely because our families/subculture do.

Possible responses had you realized she was teasing could have involved puns off the word nominal (can't think of a single one right now), or "and how many lattes have you bought with the money off that scam?" or the ever-popular, "what kind of fee, exactly, did you have in mind?" with the requisite raised eyebrow and hip thrust. I'm sure there are many others; depends on your mood, her tone, your sense of humor, your interest in further interactions with her, etc.

I'm not sure what you mean about pointing out the deception ruining the tease. I guess the "best" teases are the ones where the other person gets it and slyly lets you know without pointing it out directly... but it kind of depends on the situation. "There's no fee to use the outlets" probably would have been fine; gives her a chance to say something like, "darn, I was hoping for coffee money" or something like that. It's hard to guess what she was after with no context.

My family teased each other a lot. Many interactions were teases or pokes or insults or competitive bets. If your family didn't interact that way, it's not surprising you don't get it, and you don't need to feel bad about it. You interact with the world differently, not less-than.

Some people view teasing as lack of respect; in the subculture I grew up in, it's more along the lines of "we wouldn't pick on you if we didn't like you." My father gives the gals at the cafe he frequents no end of grief; he still has the little plastic frog they put in his salad one day as payback. Cherishes it, although he'd never admit it. They cared enough to tease him back, you see.

The collision of those two worlds -- people who can barely interact with other people without teasing and people who don't tease--can be as awkward and confusing for people who tease as it is for those who don't, if it makes you feel any better at all. Hopefully that's even an English sentence. Teasing somebody who doesn't get it or worse, reacts poorly can be almost as rattling as asking somebody for a date and having them laugh in your face.

Never really thought about it in this straightforward a way before. Thank you.

[copyright1983.livejournal.com]

This brings to mind an old Ellen Degeneres comedy bit, talking about this very thing--someone says something cutting, then follows it up with "Just kidding!" Her response is, IMO, perfect: "Really? Then you don't know how to kid properly, because we should *both* be laughing."

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

That's an excellent line, and it sums up the problem (that several other people have pointed out) perfectly: Teasing could be used to establish rapport and intimacy, but if all it does is make someone embarrassed and uncomfortable, ur doin it rong.

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

If I suspect something might be a joke, I play along in a slightly exaggerated straight-man (as in humor, not sexualist straight-man) fashion.

"Oh, so sorry, you should post a sign on the outlets. Do you take credit cards, or can I put this on my home utility bill?"

(Assuming that there really is a charge, they can tell me at this point that it's cash only and give me a look that says not to be a smartass. Which is why I like this option; it works whether or not I'm being tricked. I can't always tell either. I wasn't raised in an environment where social cruelty of that kind was allowable versus strangers.)

People usually look at me funny and say "I was *joking*" at this point. And I smile gently and say "Yes, I know, I was playing along." If I feel malicious or annoyed, I might add, "You must be so bored waiting for people to come along and fall for that one, I thought I'd amuse you."

Which annoys them even more.

So it's a win-win option; if I go along with exaggerated politeness, I'm either a) being polite as I should be, or b) refusing to play along with the teasing.

(Mind you, my sense of humor works this way a lot. Someone makes a joke, I pick it up and run with it and embroider on it, and they can't tell if I'm joking, or say something lame like 'oh ha you're funny', and I'm still left holding the conversation. Whatever.)

Being polite is never the wrong option. Being pettishly cruel is.

As for how to tell - I've gotten fairly good at reading body language re: lying, which helps. Also, even if there was a charge to use the outlet, most people would have been a little more apologetic about informing you of it. If you look them in the eye after saying something like this, and they look directly back, trying to seem bland, they're lying. Hell, if they're still making eye contact about this instead of looking for the log-book and saying "Five dollars gets you a plug all day" or whatever, they're obviously way too invested in things.

At least, I *think* that's how my subconscious analysis handles these things, and what sorts of things are likely to happen.

Trinker's suggestion of "Oh ha, that's funny! Did you come up with that yourself? Wow, I sure feel silly!" is also a good one, if you can manage it without sounding too sarcastic (I can't always). Complimenting the teaser's wit while *not* displaying any signs of being hurt or angry (even when you are) should get you out of it with the teaser's ego hopefully soothed enough to make further relations go easy and without incident.

[d-aulnoy.livejournal.com]

Man, I like this response, and I totally plan to incorporate it into my repertoire.

My translation of the initial behavior is, "Shit, I went too far! Playing it off now ...." but I'm translating blindly, never having had the urge to try it myself.

[tearose.livejournal.com]

yeah, i wouldn't have understood it either, and i probably would've reacted very similarly to you. i think the "i can't believe you fell for that!" was less meant for you, and more because she felt stupid, but wanted to take the spotlight off of herself. because saying something like that to a complete stranger doesn't really make any sense.

[azurelunatic]

That incident is a good example of why I've been feeling like a misanthrope lately.

[ahestele.livejournal.com]

Chica, that was an assy thing of her to say.

You don't have to get it.

[graene.livejournal.com]

I don't think you fail here. There is a subculture of teasing and meeting people that way and all, but I think the only time the "I can't believe you fell for that" line works is within an established relationship, eg my BIL the first few years I knew him. At this point the rest of us understand this is his humor (however baffling), and he realizes that we mostly don't get him, nor find it funny if we're not laughing two lines in and drops whatever gag. His mom still lectures him on not doing that to new people because it will be hurtful, not just unfunny.

[p-zeitgeist.livejournal.com]

I don't understand this class of interaction either, really, but I believe the correct answer to be something on the lines of, "Yeah, I'm just extravagant that way." Or, "But, so worth the fees!" Or, "Don't tell my partner, she'll take the credit cards away from me!" Or, anything that acknowledges the pointless but well-intended attempt at interaction.

Which is to say, I think the correct analogy is to a comment I routinely get from well-intended people I don't know when walking my father's large and powerful dog: "Looks like he's taking you for that walk!" There is no answer that doesn't sound stupid, but they mean well enough -- they've seen something they think is cute, they want to say something about it -- so I give them the stupid answer. And with any luck they go away.

You were focused and studious and she thought you were adorable, most likely. It's entirely possible that she felt like an utter idiot when you took her seriously, and that 'I can't believe it' line was nothing more than the first bit of disconnected babbling to make it to her lips.

[upstart-crow.livejournal.com]

One of the reasons why I do not eat at Papa John's pizza is because one of their employees in Louisville (when I lived there in 2004-2005) pulled a stunt like this on me when I called, famished after working one night when nothing else was open, to order a vegetarian pizza. He said, "Oh we don't sell those," and I was like 'but...it's on your menu." And he insisted with this scheme for a few more seconds before saying he was teasing.

Now, I was starving and my blood sugar was low, so I ended up yelling at him and hanging up. I was really offended and upset.

I don't get why people do this, either. I figure it's one of those "extrovert things" that I'm just supposed to understand because our society privileges extroverts.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

It is *not* an extrovert thing. Please don't conflate "extrovert" with "jerk".

Trinker, ENTP.

[soukup.livejournal.com]

She probably thought you looked interesting and was looking for a way to interact with you. My guess is that she was either trying (very clumsily) to make you laugh, or trying to show you how clever she could be by making you feel a little bit foolish. People are awkward sometimes?

[soukup.livejournal.com]

*"People" meaning her, not you.

[gryphynshadow.livejournal.com]

Teasing is one of those social skills that is a learned behavior and it comes in many different flavors. Mostly, I think, teasing comes from a collision between dominance displays and creating intimacy. If you respond "appropriately", then you get intimacy. If not, then you get stuck lower down on the social totem pole.

I learned how to tease, and more importantly, ~when~ to tease at the same time I was learning my sales and customer service skills. Done right, teasing builds intimacy and rapport; screw it up, however, and you can kiss a sale goodbye. (tho if you manage to pull it out and recover gracefully, you're back on the positive side of the ledger...)

What she did was probably funny, to her. There's no other logical reason for her behavior, no motive other than to please herself and possibly have a pleasant interaction with you. Her response of 'I can't believe you fell for that' reeks of privilege and unexamined assumptions, as well as being exactly the wrong thing to say if your goal is to build intimacy and trust.

When I'm not totally distracted with my own thoughts, I can come up with a range of situationally appropriate responses to that kind of asshattery; when I'm not paying attention, which is most of the time, honestly, I usually either resort to bald honesty ("sorry, I wasn't listening and when you spoke to me it broke my train of thought. Let's start over. Hi.") or to some outright rudeness of my own ("wow. you're rude...")

I think your response and removing yourself from that was awesome and perfect. Honest, told her she'd made a social faux pas and got yourself out of the situation. Nicely done. :D

But, yeah. Teasing is a learned behavior and if you haven't had cause to learn it then it would be an opaque and confusing thing to experience.

The usual expected response, btw, to teasing is to join in. Tease back, gently, along the same lines. Handing her your change would be a good switch from verbal to physical comedy; a witty come-back; a sexual innuendo... or you can do the deadpan straightman. It ruins the tease if you carry on deadpan response long enough, which you can then use to turn the tables (ha ha, you fell for it too!)

Sorry you fell victim to a bad teaser...

[yoiyami.livejournal.com]

Just curious, but is it really rude to point out that someone is being rude?

[tartanshell.livejournal.com]

Depending on her tone, she could've been trying to flirt with you. I've had many encounters start with someone teasing me like this ("No coffee for you today!" or "Oh, we don't make those," at Starbucks, "That'll be [ridiculous expensive price]" while checking out somewhere, etc.) I think the correct response, as mentioned above, is to play along in such a way that it's obvious that you get the joke.

Personally, I don't see it as bullying. It can be annoying, depending on the context, or awkward and bad if it carries on long enough to make you uncomfortable (that would be bullying, imo), but just a one-liner like that is, I think, just a way of striking up a conversation with a stranger in a way that I think the initiator hopes will make hir seem clever and fun.

But IDK. In any case, I'm sorry this happened and made you feel embarrassed.

[51stcenturyfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's kind of an awkward sort of friend/flirt/conversational opener thing.

The problem with strangers is you don't know if they're stressed out or will feel awkward or embarrassed or whatever.

How I'd react to this really depends on my mood, to be honest. If I'm feeling jovial, I'd LOL, and if not, I'd think "wow, kind of an ass".

But there are people I know I can tease or who I expect teasing from, and a total stranger is an unknown quantity. There's a guy I work with who is teased mercilessly because he's a class clown/teaser himself, but I feel uncomfortable on his behalf when people go to far, because it can be hurtful, and being a jokester doesn't mean you deserve to be the butt of everyone else's jokes.

[nevercheshire.livejournal.com]

This is not friendly social banter and you are not alone in wondering why people act the way they do!

[effervescent.livejournal.com]

This is one of those things that I wouldn't get either, so you're not alone there. I mean, why *would* you be expecting someone you don't know to just randomly tell you that there's a fee to use the outlet? If I was in an unfamiliar place I'd believe it as well. It's the sort of thing that's said with the hopes that you *will* fall for it, even though she acted all surprised.