ugh

Pounding headache and a ton of work to do for school today.

Having trouble focusing, and it's partly the headache but also partly that thing I've discussed here before and was talking to my voice teacher about yesterday. The amorphous feel of obsession and want, that keeps you going in this business but consumes your brain's ability to think about other things.

It's Monday and I feel circular and achy.

frustrated and scared

Tonight we got the big speech in acting class about how level two is by invitation only. It's rare I get out of there without feeling a bit mind-fucked, not by the emotionally relevatory process of the work, but by the logistical quirks of Atlantic. It's all very sorority pledging or BDSM-ish or something. And what's weird is that when I was a sorority pledge I was the calmest person on earth, I never took any of it to heart, just neutrally moved through the process. This on the other hand is making me INSANE. Of course, the stakes are different, and _I'm_ different. So I'm trying hard not to obsess. No matter what happens I want more training and more training at places besides Atlantic. Either way, I'll make my way.