Apr. 29th, 2003

Well, finished Semester 1 at Atlantic, which ended with lots of patented Atlantic mind-fuckage. God, I sound bitter. Actually, I'm just a bit amused at this point. I have to call and get my clearance for the next semester today, although I'll probably wait until Fall as opposed to summer for funding reasons, although I may take a Movement for the Actor class there over the summer and/or do a monologue or on-camera class somewhere else.

Yesterday was both strange, and endless, but not in any way that was particularly significant. That said, New York is the smallest city in the world in some ways, and more amusing, and less stupid if you keep your eyes open for it. (Don't ask, it's one of those stories that isn't compelling beyond my own brain).

Exhausted today because I stayed up too late with the roommate last night. In fact I can't remember the last time I got out of bed this late. Now there's a weird thing to be saying.

Applied to be a production assistant for the Drama Desk Awards yesterday. Just, because it seemed like an amusing idea at the time. I don't necessarily expect to hear anything about it, but then, I never really do, and yet, so often it seems to work out anyway (you know, this being fairly zen about a lot of stuff lately, makes coming up with As Ifs that aren't about money, real estate, or the business, somewhere next to impossible some days).

Today's tasks may include more strike on A&G, and going downtown to drop off my headshots for prints. I'm having an impossible time deciding between thin black borders and big artsy faux borders. Here's the thing -- I like the artsy borders, but I worry they distract from the image, instead of adding to it. I've read that they're the borders you use if you're more into film, but that just seems a bit cracked and absurdist, and I'm having this long internal conflict about it, in terms of what would say what to who, which of course isn't about anything _real_, but is rather about the fact that I'm a writer and I have to script everything in my head all the time, and it's much easier to obsess on the secret message of headshot borders than it is to focus on say my finances, the stress of auditioning, or those wacky calls from my Dad about when I'm going to get an agent.

Oh, and New York skipped Spring. Again. And I need a pair of sunglasses like nobody's business.
As much as I am all about the talismans -- snippets of ideas and art and belief, I do despise quoting other people. Or rather, I like it a great deal and expend a great deal of energy on not doing it, so that I do not use it as a replacement finding my own nuance and way to express things myself. Additionally, there is that eternal minor problem that as you quote certain things and people, regardless of the sentiment, people look at you up down and sideways for choosing whatever speakers you might -- something that I'm keenly aware of in this moment, but mostly in a bemused sort of way.

But there are sentiments I believe in entirely -- some of which have inspired me, but more often have merely helped me to stay not so much inspired as mobile, serving as confirmation, both of how I see the world, and how I live in it, which is to say with an ambition of form -- the rest, I tend to believe, follows from there. And it is perhaps the best evidence of my own disgruntled childhood that the things about me people tend to find most intolerable are the things that allow me to succeed and to live and to exist by the rhythms of recognition and vocabulary.

I get the sense that most people think that learning not to recognize yourself in all things is one of those great emblems of that most indefinable and over-argued state, adulthood, which is an idea that galls me and I tend to believe should be reserved only for those who cannot tell the difference between hurt and harm and work so agressively to be tainted with neither that they feel nothing.

And with that, some quotes, mostly for my own reference:

Expandfrom an Ani DiFranco's Swan Dive )

Expanda poem a friend wrote (coyotegoth here on LJ who I will gladly credit with a realer identity should he be inclined to divulge it) )

Expandquote from an interview with Baz Luhrmann )

What I should really do is just keep a notebook for these things, and perhaps free up a little more much needed brainspace.

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