(no subject)

Because I habitually engage in pre-emptive self-flagellation in the desperate hopes of sparing anyone else the trouble, I will note that I attempted to sing at the piano bar tonight, couldn't find the key, and ran out.

It was uncool, as both a friend, and a professional.
It was humiliating.
And it was full of fear.

There aren't words for the degree to which I feel like I am wasting my time.
Or the ways in which things like this are so profoundly destructive to me, because of the ways I do math in my head.

I think I suffer a great deal from never having had the time to fall apart enough to put myself back together.

Anyway, I feel like shit and am living in terror of people encouraging me or praising me right now (thanks, I spent every semester of kindergarten through ninth grade receiving most improved in gym awards because I would sit and cry during gymnastics units because I was afraid. Did they think I was so stupid that I believed I had improved? Or did they think I would be so ashamed of the undeserved award it would make me work harder?).

So that's what's going on. For the curious, I tried to sing Cheek to Cheek. For those of you who know me well enough to appreciate this, on Thursday I'll try Heaven Help My Heart.

Otherwise, I don't really want to talk about it, and just hope I haven't offended anyone.