(no subject)

Rehearsal went fine yesterday. Am I a terrible person because I feel like a real actor now because for the first time in my life I had to sit around with a cast member and go "Hrrr... well... right... and the kiss will go like this? Okay." God that shit is uncomfortable. But it didn't really bother me that it was uncomfortable. It just was what it was.

I finally got in to audition too, and it felt good. I don't think I got it for any number of reasons. But it's hard to go in and do a monologue when you've been sweating for four hours, _and_ everyone going in ahead of you is doing "this is Shakespeare so I will yell!" My Lady Anne doesn't yell, at least in this monologue. Anyway, I have to do it again this week for an educational touring company in NJ or some such. I'm looking forward to it, because I like doing this monologue, and I like that even when I don't get cast with it, people always seem to have gotten something they did not expect from it.

Last night after all this, I woke up hours after I was supposed to be somewhere, big oops. So I'm just glad I got to meet Sunyata prior to missing Italian food in Brooklyn.

Today I essentially have what is a day off. My only definitive plans (other than working out) are having to do some stuff at Kinkos and having to send out some submissions, including a few to agencies who are looking to pick up people. While my acting career has exceeded my expectations for the year thus far, my private goal has been union membership or an agent by the end of the year, and that's looking less likely than I would like, even if I've also learned how much more I can do without those things than I thought (and how much harder it is to get those things than I thought).

Also, must work my lines today.

Finally, I would like to note that just because you're writing something in formal language does not require you to forget Show Don't Tell. Gah.

Thinking of having brunch alone, either at the Cow or Schiller's Liquor bar... but it's raining, but it seems gross out, and I feel restless, and I'm not sure either of those activities will provide whatever the bloody hell it is I am looking for.

(no subject)

I've come to a conclusion about me and this working out thing and more specifically the origin of it.

In a lot of ways I am insanely fearless, because I trust my intellect to get me through difficult situations and out of bad ones. I've had years of the universe demonstrating to me that this is a good theory.

Physically, I'm a lot more fearful, and although I can fight through some of those physical fears well enough when I have to, it's definitely a big wall for me. And I obsess on it (see tirade from about a week ago).

So... I've decided to stop worrying about overcoming those fears, and start worrying about making my body strong and agile enough that I know it can respond to most situations bot in life in general and in the realm of acting. It's a manageable goal, and a fun one because I've convinced myself that if I do this, I'm going to get to do all sorts of other stuff.

With that in mind, I walked four miles today, bought gourmet groceries and lifted weights. Right now, my small silly short term goal other than looking and feeling better is being able to do a handstand. I've never been able to, and I figure if my arms can support my own weight, I'm going to feel a lot more comfortable with situations where I could fall or slip or otherwise have to protect my face.

I feel pathetic saying all this, that I have to... that everything makes me so nuts, but fine, fuck it. I don't not win. I do opt out too much. I'm not opting out here.