(no subject)

Ugh... tired. Woke up far earlier than I wanted to. Feel okay today, all things considered. I'm sort of pleasantly surprised.

I did deal with my parents last night, and that was fine, although they want to have brunch before they leave for the West Coast to see my grandfather. I didn't tell them about the horse thing, because I made the mistake back when of telling them about the airplane thing and they went ballistic.

I also finally ordered the stupid Jurlique thing I wanted from a spa website in Florida -- bizarre as it sounds, there was no shipping and no tax, and as such made it both easier and cheaper than buying it here. The funniest note on all of this is that the spa is run by some dude who was a consultant for that MTV show about the people that want plastic surgery to make them look more like already existant celebrities -- which to me is like the creepiest thing ever.

Had one horrific crying jag last night, that hit me so unexpectedly I'm still marvelling at it -- reading really mediocre fanfiction -- I should have been weeping for the abuse of the English languge, but bang zoom then I was doing that gulping for air crying thing. Was sort of awful, and not how I expected to get the less than stellar events of yesterday out of my system.

I dunno, despite some low level background anxiety, everything feels normal again, and that's very telling. I do have a lot of anger floating around about the entire thing, but I'm working hard to just squelch that, because really, what does it matter? It only serves to distract and impress a situation into my brain that doesn't merit it.

woo!

So my riding instructor just called me, and wanted to say hi before we started on Sunday and asked me to get there twenty minutes early so she can give me some on the ground instruction first without taking time away from my being on the horse and we talked about getting me up to speed with some of her other beginning students so I could do semi-private or group lessons later so I could spend less money and keep up with it.

My nerves are so soothed.

I think... my theory of my weird ideas is proving out again. This idea was niggling around at me, for reasons most patently absurd, and then this crap happened with the show, and now here's this really challenging, scary thing for me to do that has a degree of personal meaning that soothes the ache... or something. I dunno. It feels like some good symmetry.

Relevant only in my mind, but something I've been meaning to write about -- about a week ago I mentioned in passing to my mother that I was working out, and she said, "why?" And it realy peeved me. Why bloody not? But it totally alarmed her. "You're a girl, you're thin, you don't need to do that." It occurs to me I have a family that does not live in their bodies, and have tried to get me to be quite the same, when, I'm not really like that at all -- just sorely out of practice and a bit behind. Bah. Also, I'm 31-years-old, think mom could stop being excited I have a figure, _finally_, soon? Blech.

rawr

I normally never work out with music, because it's just so do whatever I can when I can right now -- very integrated into the rest of my life -- ten minutes for weights here... a long walk there... whatever.

Well dude, I'm a moron, working out with music is awesome. Of course, I might be in too much pain to move tomorrow, but I literally feel inches taller (working out always helps a little, but as I used to be a dancer, music is the one true way to click my posture into place). Hot damn.

It wasn't really a systematic thing, although I got through all the sorts of stuff I wanted to do. I can't be systematic with music (because all of a sudden it's always like, wait, I wonder how my turns are, and I'm practicing some dumb dance thing from my past)... but rawr... definitely got some of the anger revolving around recent events far far from my system. Fuck. That was cool.

Anyway. Have I mentioned how happy I am that eveyone is enthusiastic about the horses? People aren't usually particularly enthusiastic about the stuff I get on things about. They're either skeptical, bored or tend to enjoy in an unkind way the backstory. Of course, part of this enthusiasm is I have a better class of friends these days (you've all been pretty rocking about Australia too), but with my insecurities about physical adventures, this one means a lot.

As per usual, I'm waiting on people to give me money. But hardly anything I can do about that at this moment. But dinner's in the oven, and I'll read a bit more Mists of Avalon in a bit, and then try to deal with the various transitions I can't solve in various things I'm writing.

Have I yet managed to force myself to go to Kim's Video or Kinkos? Yes, well, tomorrow is another day.