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Nov. 13th, 2004
So, on a whim I went up to H&M, after reading about the absolute frenzy over the Karl Lagerfeld stuff there when it debuted yesterday.
I bought myself the nicest tie I have ever owned, a leather and silver lanyard (comment, and die), and fretted over a quasi-tailcoat jacket (not from the Lagerfeld collection) that I ultimately didn't buy because the size wasn't quite right (one smaller would do me perfectly, but alas, it was not to be).
In the process of doing this, I also fretted over the annoyance of, as a woman, buying shirts. The Lagerfeld collection has several really lovely tuxedo shirts in men's and women's varieties. All of them have the sort of high, hard collar that is very very hard to find on women's shirts, and this made me want to splurge and get one. Here's the thing though -- the collar on the men's shirts was detachable (and not with an ugly button, but with a perfect little piece of brushed metal), allowing you to wear the shirt in two ways and lending an exceptional bit of archaic tailoring to the item, and I would have bought one in a heartbeat had it a prayer in hell of fitting me. The collars _have_ to fit right on these sort of shirts though, or they don't work, and the smallest neck was a 15, mine's less than 13, so that's a non-starter.
The women's shirts? Identical, except for little fabric buttons as opposed to brushed metal (grrr) and more importantly, the bloody collar wasn't detachable! And what I want to know is why? Would this be unappealing to women, or just so foreign we wouldn't know what to do with it? Really, it was a lovely shirt, and the collar was pretty damn nice, but seeing what I couldn't have right next to it, I couldn't bring myself to buy it. The rest of the women's stuff in the line was all very soft, classically inspired dresses, which I know is the thing right now, and as little miss Regency geek should appeal to me, but they don't in my actual modern life.
But Karl, what the fuck? Inquiring minds want to know. If I knew where to write you a letter, I would. Because as annoyed as I am, I'm also really curious as to the answer.
When I get rich, my first act will be to find myself a tailor, because this shit drives me insane.
Now, to digress into further snobbery and agitation. Until you've shopped at Bergdorf Goodman's you don't understand civilized consumption. I realize this is not a virtue to many of you, and I hardly view consumerism as the great modern achievement, which is actually, oddly sort of my point here. But before I get to that, let's be clear about a few things, since I can't ever talk about class issues without getting flamed.
I've seen things I was never supposed to see. With my lack of station and wealth, I shouldn't know about the worlds I do. But I do. I know full well that at best I am the unpleasant dandy who says amusing and cruel things so as to be invited to dinner parties with finer food than s/he can afford. This does not, despite my general tone about it, overwhelm me with joy. But there is a world out there I will not relinquish, and more importantly, it seems disinclined to relinquish me.
Now. Let's talk about Bergdorf's where, alas, I was not today. Bergdorf's is civilized. Quiet. Expensive. A multitude of small boutiques within a single department store. Personalized attention. Seating, assistance. Very nice carpets. Lighting that flatters. Tea if you need it. Bergdorf's is a way of life, and while there are few things I can afford in it, honestly, I feel like a happier more beautiful, elegant and civilized person if I can stroll through there once a month. You should try it. Dress up and go shopping. Don't spend a cent. You'll love it.
Now, shopping in the mortal world you and I actually inhabit. I hate it. Now, don't get me wrong. I am queen of the bargain hunters and unbelieveable at finding and repurposing things to my own style. But Lord do I hate the other shoppers, especially in Herald Sqaure and especially this time of year.
A few points:
1. Congratualtions, you're on a class trip to New York. If you're going to act like you're better than other people, you must be prepared with an actual answer for the question "what makes you think you're better than me?" If you stammer, you lose.
2. Congratulations, you're still on your class trip. Guess what? A pack of thirty of you in a store, hellbent on moving as a pack isn't just unaccpetable, it's impossible. So when someone excuses themselves and slips between you to get to the otherside of the store, DO NOT CURSE THEM OUT.
3. Do not bring open food and beverage in the store and then proceed to get it on me.
4. Do not push me or grab at garments or my person.
5. If you are not planning to purchase anything, congregating at the end of the checkout line with your open food and beverage you're about to spill on me is a bad idea.
6. Screeching is never, ever sophisticated.
7. Remember how your mother told you not to talk about sex, religion or politics? Well despite everything I do here, she was right. Don't talk about it shopping, because hello, watching the fist fight with the social-climbing Bush supporter by the evening capes? Less fun than you would think.
8. Shopping is an opportunity to be curious and amused. It is not a mission from God, a birthright, or an opportunity to hit people or feel them up while blaming it on the crowds.
9. While it is inappropriate to grab your own genitals in public, it is, in fact, even more inappropriate to grab the genitals of your boyfriend or girlfriend in public. So don't. P.S., cock is not a fashion accessory.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Now that all of that has been said, let me just say, that me and my little historical military / new romantic sort of look I've had going on for ages and ages? so about to happen fashion-wise. And I'm so pleased, only so people who give me grief about the pants tucked into the boots have to realize that I was, as ever, ultimately right. Goddamn.
I bought myself the nicest tie I have ever owned, a leather and silver lanyard (comment, and die), and fretted over a quasi-tailcoat jacket (not from the Lagerfeld collection) that I ultimately didn't buy because the size wasn't quite right (one smaller would do me perfectly, but alas, it was not to be).
In the process of doing this, I also fretted over the annoyance of, as a woman, buying shirts. The Lagerfeld collection has several really lovely tuxedo shirts in men's and women's varieties. All of them have the sort of high, hard collar that is very very hard to find on women's shirts, and this made me want to splurge and get one. Here's the thing though -- the collar on the men's shirts was detachable (and not with an ugly button, but with a perfect little piece of brushed metal), allowing you to wear the shirt in two ways and lending an exceptional bit of archaic tailoring to the item, and I would have bought one in a heartbeat had it a prayer in hell of fitting me. The collars _have_ to fit right on these sort of shirts though, or they don't work, and the smallest neck was a 15, mine's less than 13, so that's a non-starter.
The women's shirts? Identical, except for little fabric buttons as opposed to brushed metal (grrr) and more importantly, the bloody collar wasn't detachable! And what I want to know is why? Would this be unappealing to women, or just so foreign we wouldn't know what to do with it? Really, it was a lovely shirt, and the collar was pretty damn nice, but seeing what I couldn't have right next to it, I couldn't bring myself to buy it. The rest of the women's stuff in the line was all very soft, classically inspired dresses, which I know is the thing right now, and as little miss Regency geek should appeal to me, but they don't in my actual modern life.
But Karl, what the fuck? Inquiring minds want to know. If I knew where to write you a letter, I would. Because as annoyed as I am, I'm also really curious as to the answer.
When I get rich, my first act will be to find myself a tailor, because this shit drives me insane.
Now, to digress into further snobbery and agitation. Until you've shopped at Bergdorf Goodman's you don't understand civilized consumption. I realize this is not a virtue to many of you, and I hardly view consumerism as the great modern achievement, which is actually, oddly sort of my point here. But before I get to that, let's be clear about a few things, since I can't ever talk about class issues without getting flamed.
I've seen things I was never supposed to see. With my lack of station and wealth, I shouldn't know about the worlds I do. But I do. I know full well that at best I am the unpleasant dandy who says amusing and cruel things so as to be invited to dinner parties with finer food than s/he can afford. This does not, despite my general tone about it, overwhelm me with joy. But there is a world out there I will not relinquish, and more importantly, it seems disinclined to relinquish me.
Now. Let's talk about Bergdorf's where, alas, I was not today. Bergdorf's is civilized. Quiet. Expensive. A multitude of small boutiques within a single department store. Personalized attention. Seating, assistance. Very nice carpets. Lighting that flatters. Tea if you need it. Bergdorf's is a way of life, and while there are few things I can afford in it, honestly, I feel like a happier more beautiful, elegant and civilized person if I can stroll through there once a month. You should try it. Dress up and go shopping. Don't spend a cent. You'll love it.
Now, shopping in the mortal world you and I actually inhabit. I hate it. Now, don't get me wrong. I am queen of the bargain hunters and unbelieveable at finding and repurposing things to my own style. But Lord do I hate the other shoppers, especially in Herald Sqaure and especially this time of year.
A few points:
1. Congratualtions, you're on a class trip to New York. If you're going to act like you're better than other people, you must be prepared with an actual answer for the question "what makes you think you're better than me?" If you stammer, you lose.
2. Congratulations, you're still on your class trip. Guess what? A pack of thirty of you in a store, hellbent on moving as a pack isn't just unaccpetable, it's impossible. So when someone excuses themselves and slips between you to get to the otherside of the store, DO NOT CURSE THEM OUT.
3. Do not bring open food and beverage in the store and then proceed to get it on me.
4. Do not push me or grab at garments or my person.
5. If you are not planning to purchase anything, congregating at the end of the checkout line with your open food and beverage you're about to spill on me is a bad idea.
6. Screeching is never, ever sophisticated.
7. Remember how your mother told you not to talk about sex, religion or politics? Well despite everything I do here, she was right. Don't talk about it shopping, because hello, watching the fist fight with the social-climbing Bush supporter by the evening capes? Less fun than you would think.
8. Shopping is an opportunity to be curious and amused. It is not a mission from God, a birthright, or an opportunity to hit people or feel them up while blaming it on the crowds.
9. While it is inappropriate to grab your own genitals in public, it is, in fact, even more inappropriate to grab the genitals of your boyfriend or girlfriend in public. So don't. P.S., cock is not a fashion accessory.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Now that all of that has been said, let me just say, that me and my little historical military / new romantic sort of look I've had going on for ages and ages? so about to happen fashion-wise. And I'm so pleased, only so people who give me grief about the pants tucked into the boots have to realize that I was, as ever, ultimately right. Goddamn.