(no subject)

Really going to do my taxes today. Really really. The good news is that I think I just found all the paperwork.

Am amused to wake up to find postings about actual stuff on the LJ acting communities. Well, and that the actual stuff is Peter Brook. I mean yeah, it's another "help me write my term paper" post, but at least it's not, "hi! I'm 16 and like... I really want this part in a show, and I need a monologue, that's like you know funny? But it has to be really short, because I hate memorizing things." Ooooo, catty.

Meanwhile, we're approaching a first reading of Cate's play. I'll probably rent a studio for three hours, find some random actors on Craiglsist and we'll just read through it to some crappy tape recorder and send it to her.

I hate being sick. Perhaps I will actually have something to say again when I am not. Last night I woke up from a nap and I could barely open my eye. Whether it was from the cold or the mascara from the shoot the other day (ugh, I can't believe makeup people don't use disposable mascara wands!!!!!) I've no idea. I stood in the bathroom jabbing at it with a teabag for a while, and it seems alright now. Ugh, I hate eye things.

i also feel like I'm doing nothing, and it's making me crazy. For as much as I think I seem like I have a plan, or at least a goal, I don't really think there is either. Just strong desires and a constant need to be busy, so this attempt at achieving more by doing less is completely fucking with me. I guess the message is free time isn't free time -- I don't get to rest, I have to apply myself in another direction. I mean, after I can breathe again. I jsut feel all lacking in artistic vision. Oh right, that's why I'm an actor.

This relationship stuff is... confounding. Really simple too, which is nice. But we're both extraordinarily busy, driven people, with very different goals in mind. I hope we have a clear sense of just what we're doing before it decides to bite us in the ass. This is, I suppose, the narrative I signed up for though, and it's certainly better than any of the old ones.

I remarked to Kat the other day that my usual cycle of artistic ascetism followed by more sumptuous fixations, seems to have finally ground to a halt. Certainly, both interests are still there, but it's not the fucking yo-yo of predictability and inconsistency that it was (because really, being the Persephone of misanthropy is like, fun for how long? yeah, exactly). And I'm really glad. I mean, aside from the fact that I'm having a great time, I feel less insane, even if I think whenever (I just typoed that as "whenether") I dispay any sort of consistent enthusiasm for anything that I tend to look completely insane. Here, have some hand gestures to go with that.

The cold's making me break out too. I hate this. I blew off a casting yesterday because of it. It was just for some stock photo stuff, and there was no way, just no way.

(no subject)

Did a quick scribble through of my taxes just now. It's bad. Really bad, but not disastrous. Manageable. Makes my rent that's already due a little later, but I have a plan with that, so both taxes and it can be paid by the end of the weekend. Federal anyway. State no, but that's okay, because I don't have a bad situation with them, and I can do an extension there. Still, it makes me nuts, and just typing this post is an act of viewing and accepting my reality. I did have a sort of weird epiphany in understanding the tax code too -- but that's hard to explain, just I suddenly "grokked" it, which was like really alarming. Granted, I've been coding economics stuff all day at work, and sometimes I just get into a zone with it.

The good news is that one of my major debts will be paid off before the end of this year, and I'll be able to deal with getting all personal loans underway and dealt with starting next month and hopefully paid up by the end of the year. I can see a horizon where the juggling is over, where my credit is improving, etc etc etc. It will work out.

So outside of magic phonecalls, It'll be 2006 before I get back to Sydney, but after that, I should actually be able to go twice a year like I want to or whatever. If I squint just right, I can see how parts of Houston St. can look like parts of Anzac Parade, and just knowing there's a place so goddamn far away, makes me feel better about New York. That's strange, isn't it? I even found a place to order coconut ice from. And had an inspiration on a short short piece for the rapidly approaching Doorknobs & Bodypaint deadline.

Mostly, I just wonder at my certitude. Before, after and now.

Tangentally relevant aside -- I've written about my "all things are now" outlook -- I kinda don't believe in time as anything more than a perceptual thing. And I can explain that very eloquently at times. But wow, watching the bad bad bad (but fun) Dune miniseries on Sci-Fi last night, makes me never, ever want to talk about that again.