what is going on

My computer died. I called, in quite callous a fashion I'm sorry to say, my computer guru and he thinks that it's fixible, if I had a system CD (I don't) and a working CD drive (I don't). I am currently typing this on a borrowed computer via dialup -- I can't even, I'm not sure why, figure out how to get it hooked up successfully to the cable modem. I am not used to feeling this helpless and I can't stand it.

Tomorrow I have to go price a new computer, which I can't afford. I just need word processing and Internet -- and I'll just accept I guess that my photoshop is gone and turn the scanner over to Kali, since it's really only for Descensus anyway.

I am trying, very very hard, not to beat myself up over this. It's not within my control. It's not happening to punish me. God, and especially my Gods, doesn't/don't hate fags. It's all cool. Of course, all of this would be less of a financial problem if I hadn't just done all this non-refundable Phoenix Rising stuff. I waiver between hating myself for that and being glad I did it -- because if these events had happened in the other order I wouldn't be going, and in my bones, I know going is a good thing.

So this is me struggling. The machine is my income, and I have to at least be able to get this loaner machine onto the cable modem or I have a serious problem. If I can do that, the rest can be solved.

Meanwhile, all my writing is gone or at least locked away from me until the machine can be fixed or I can afford to have data recovery done.

I am freaking out.

computer stuff

Okay, today I am prepared to do what must be done. Plan 1: Get this thing fixed.

Here's the deal. I boot and I get this error message:

STOP KMODE_EXCEPTION_NOT_HANDLED

If this is the first time you've seen this Stop error screen, restart the computer. If this screen appears again, follow these steps:

Check to be sure you have adequate disk space. If a driver is identified in the Stop message, disable the driver or check with the manufacturer for driver updates. Try changing video adapters.

Check with your hardware vendor for any BIOS updates. Disable BIOS memory options such as caching or shadowing. If you need to use Safe Mode to remove or disable components, restart your computer, press f8 to select Advanced Startup Options, and then select SAfe MOde.

Refer to your Getting Started manual for more information on troubleshooting Stop errors.

Okay, I've gotten this screen more than once.
I have not recently installed any new hardware.
While F8 works, booting into and of the versions of Safe Mode or "Last Known Good Configuration" results in the same error.
I do not have a system disk or a working CD drive.

What do I do or need to ask someone who is more current with this sort of stuff than I am to do?

good things

Because this seems necessary right now.

- friends who will deal with me even at my worst.
- an ex-boss who thinks he can send someone over to fix this thing within the next 48 hours.
- the discovery that I sent Amanda a partial draft of the Love & Alchemy story, which means, I have most of what I had done in email and can keep working on it.
- my own precision of language, which at least makes grief seem elegant when I'm not being a screaming harpy about it.
- very possible roommate resolution for Phoenix Rising.
- hey, I'm going to Phoenix Rising.
- My Kambriel coat. It hangs on the outside of my closet door and makes me smile everytime I come in my room.
- Knowing what I want. Exactly.
- The fact that my crappy expectations of people seem to be less accurate than they have been in the past.

Unfortunately, all makes and models of gluten-free pizza: still disgusting. Last night's was a crust made of egg-whites.