fandom question I'll probably regret

Would someone please explain the appeal of MPREG to me? Seriously, I'm not trying to be snarky. I don't get it, I probably never will get it, I don't really want to get it, but intellectually I'd like to know what's up with that.

Do you think it's sexy? If so, why? I mean, there is a sort of posession/dominant/territory thing that can be hot about normal pregnancy, so... okay.

Or is it... "wow I _hate_ this character and want to make them as miserable as popssible -- with puking!"

Seriously, help me out here.

I'm going to bed and am on set tomorrow, but really hope to wake up to oodles are horrifying responses.

book problems

Long wet day on set. I am tired, damp and clammy.

A check has definitely gone missing. I am doing what I need to, to get it replaced, but the timing could barely be worse. I'm worried about a second check as well.

Set gave me a lot of time to reas Melusine, which I am more than haflway through. My objections remain firm, albeit more clear. Mildmay strill transcends the genre tropse he's shackled with.

Whit got me thinking about my navel. Or should I say, My Novel? Over the years, I've had lots of novel ideas and done some scribbling on most of them, posted snipepts here etc. I know, full well, that for all my will and talent and creativity, writing and pbulishing a novel is probably the aspiration I am least likely to succeed at before death. I accept this, and mostly, I am not even too ashamed about it.

That said, largely I've been lax about i because while previous ideas were clever, interesting and saleable, they were neither stories that needed to be told, nor stories that needed me to tell them. And I didn't really need to be telling them either.

This one, the one I have mentioned on and off that got spawned by an old fanfic of mine that is no longer on mine is different. Someone else can't write it, and it should be written, and I need to write it.

And the more I read Melusine the more I know I can. Because the premise is good, I can build worlds, my characters are the type of people one mourns the unreality of. It's all doable. I just have to do it.

The fact is, I'm afraid of it. Some of the reasons are stupid -- just how do I start... first or third person... back and forth and all those silly agonies. Others though, more complex, harder to articulate -- doing right by characters I've lived with for a long time, longer than the story and telling a story that is so easily misunderstood, which is also part of its point and the way it can't help but reveal things most of you already largely know abut me.

Even this I am not articulating well.

But if I can lie awake at night and will my acting ambition into the world, if I can pray and magick all the ways that I do, there's no reason at all I can't take on one more strange and solitary practice, especially when there's hardly an object in my room that isn't a reference source for the project -- a strange accident of a long time.

But ugh.

I solved naming issues on the way home. And as I said character names, it was like a foreign alphabet, but not jarring and that's important to me. And I got an opening paragraph that at least I can run with, I think to just force me to do the work. A first draft doesn't have to be good. It doesn't have to be much more than an outline. I just have to get it told.

Writing, I think, is easy to judge and to pick apart than performance, and reflects, in my conception of the world, on more people. As such, it scares me, even as I've never much had teh experience of my characters being disliked or belittled.

I just need to get over myself. And I know that I might not.

But really, if Melusine is out there and people are raving about it? I can do at least as well. I know that. And I also know that I'm sick of books we all have to be excited about because they are queer or poly or whatever, regardless of quality, because it's something. I know peopel will read mine because of those things, but I want it to be good enough that people read it in spite of them too.

Righto.