about my bad day, acting, family and lonliness

[rm]

I feel like the magic is gone, and am scared it won't come back.

Suggestions?

Also, I'm at work, possibly all night

*



I'm not considering this a "dry spell" as was mentioned below. To me that's not being able to get work. I've only been not in a show for about two weeks, and based on an earlier phone call today am apparently working on two films now, although I am waiting for my shooting days to be scheduled.

Nor is this really a case of "not having fun".

I'm just down. I've been down for a few days, maybe a week, and today, while a disaster, wasn't really a disaster about acting, and wasn't really my fault. Things happen, I know this, but I'm deeply superstitious and when this sort of crap happens it can often be more discouraging to me than bombing an audition or being treated poorly by someone in the business.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to keep plugging away because people will be disappointed if I don't. If we all don't bust our asses to meet our goals, then why should anyone? It feels like a responsibility and not always a welcome one, even if I also often perceive such thoughts as ludicrous -- I am so tiny and insignficant.

I can't give up, because I know, _know_ in my heart that I could, that I can actually do this. And by this I don't mean act, of course I can do that, I mean get the things I want. The crazy fucked up things I want. And if I don't, it won't be because I wasn't capable or talented or lucky enough. It'll be because I didn't work hard enough, didn't get out of bed earlier enough, didn't plan far enough ahead, wasn't hungry enough or as brave as is my right and just simply failed. The level of paralysis this can induce in me is obviously terrifying.

I used to think I was meant to do certain things. These days, more and more I feel like I wasn't meant to do anything, like I've got some magic free ride pass where I get to do what I want instead. But it's lonely. All of it really.

My parents are both painters, with some success in getting grants, selling works, having shows etc., especially when I was a child. I remember going to see my father's paintings in the gallery, because they'd go home with other people, and this made me sad. Making art and not getting to keep it frightened me.

I am not a visual artist, nor do I particularly enjoy viewing painting or illustration unless it is design work in the process of building something 3D or useable or wearable. But I suppose, at the end of the day my parents are painters and ideas about art and family twined together in my brain when I was very small. As such, it should be no surprise really that in looking for creative role models, I wound up with family ones instead, while also feeling as if I have to give up the very notion to pursue my desires.

I will never stop being lonely I don't think. It's in my nature, in the shape of my face. I just hope I can learn to be at peace or enjoy being lonely with others, given the opportunity of course.

In high school I had a friend named Steve, and it was all very complicated, and none of that really matters anymore. We watched The Sheltering Sky together once, and after that, had always wanted to go to Morocco and camp in the Sahara. When I had Internet money, I was planning that trip, alone, but we all know what happened with the Internet. The story of Steve is important though, because I think it was the last time I felt like someone was in my story, instead of just I in theirs.

I should finish my work, or a passable amount and go home. The only cure for this is about four hours of staring blankly at the ceiling.

I am, among other things, in need of spiritual solace, and I have no place in this city that grants me that.

Comments

[anathemadevice.livejournal.com]

Harry Potter. July 16th.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I meant about acting.

Dry Periods Are Part Of Life

[keith418.livejournal.com]

If it was "on" all the time, it wouldn't be interesting.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I highly recommend fire. In my dotcom days, it solved all problems.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I feel like I have to keep plugging away because people will be disappointed if I don't. If we all don't bust our asses to meet our goals, then why should anyone? It feels like a responsibility and not always a welcome one, even if I also often perceive such thoughts as ludicrous -- I am so tiny and insignficant.


Just in case I am one of the 'people' mentioned, I would like to make something clear : I will be disapointed in you when you stop living your life as you see fit, in your own way, in your own time, and on your own schedule. If tomorrow you gave up acting and chose to be a yak farmer I would be just as supportive as I have been in the past. The way you live, and the way you bring the real as well as the absurd to life is the most unique and therefore the most valued item you bring to the table.

My belief in you trancends you the actor, you the dot commer, you the model and you the yak farmer. I see you the person - and your survival and passage through these things. Whatever you choose to do next - without exception , will at the very least be interesting, thoughtful, and give everyone pause.

moon?

[miep.livejournal.com]

new moon is recent. you have to have a dry spell to make room for the rain, you know?

of course you can do this. you are one of the most dedicated, driven people i know, and i only sort of know you. you don't have to be going and getting 'em all the time, though.

the met used to work for me -- the temple of dendur, or European painting, sitting right in front of St. Joan hearing her voices. The sacred geometry bay of St. John's is good, too.

i don't know if anyone gets to stop being lonely. it makes us human, and the more acutely human we are, the more aware of the world and of ourselves, the more loneliness we can perceive. our loneliness connects us to one another throughout history.

Re: moon?

[storyjen.livejournal.com]

Years ago, I used to love the cloisters, particularly the gardens, as islands of peace - there's my humble New York offering for soul renewal.

Don't know what you think about The Artist's Way (book related to the creative life), but it recommends weekly artist's dates - dates with oneself to feed one's inner artist and refill the creative well on a regular basis. Sounds like your well might need a little filling. Like working out, it's amazingly effective for overall mood and experience of life, in a very nonlinear way.

Wishing you well.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

I realize you "can" do acting, but do you want to anymore?

Is this something you could take a break from and do something else for a while? Or will you lose all momentum, or does that matter?

It sounds almost like a relationship. You push push push yourself and put your best face forward and stick by yourself when things suck, but, I think you need a week away from that, somewhere that pleases you, where you're not strictly speaking working, so you can stop performing for a little bit. Even though it's in your drive and your profession/vocation. You've been working extremely hard for a long time and this sounds like burnout. You all need to go lie on a beach, real or imagined, for a few days.

Also, as far as essays go, the part about going to see your father's paintings in the gallery because you knew they'd go home with others, is a beginning. And, acting is hard to keep, at least in the theater, so it's interesting that you've ended up on a profession that says you are only as good as the last thing you did - which would only be remembered by those who saw it when it happened. You can't take that home with you. Same situation as the paintings, unless it's film, and now you're creating and giving away all at once.

[rm.livejournal.com]

TO me the story is about the fact that my parents are painters, their marriage is about their creative partnership, and being lonely and utterly outside of that as someone who has no interest in that type of artistic expression, I'm onthis whole thing about the whole work/life artistic thing. It's so obvious, and yet garish and shocking to me.

As to acting, yes, it is what I want to do now later and in general, but the process of getting work is sucking my soul out right now. I'm doing a decent job of meeting the expectations of a fucked up universe, but a terrible job of making the universe the way I want it, no matter how much I'm clearing the hurdles. I'm just really disappointed in myself right now.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling, however i've never seen it expressed that way. Perfection.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

What do you truly and deeply want to be doing with your life. We are told that the answer to this must be a career, but in the case of many people I know it isn't. While I love RPG writing and would do some of it even if I wasn't paid, what is most important to me is sharing my life with a few special and brilliant people I care about, who care about me, and who I can talk, watch movies, share food, and game with. When I realized that, I made that my goal in life and fit other things to that (as a result, I write RPGs, because it is a job that takes impressively little of my time and that I can do at home, as well as one I enjoy).

It's previously sounded to me like acting &/or directing (and in some ways, it seemed like directing was more important to you) is what moved you in similar ways. Is that still true? If not, what does motivate you?