rm | about my bad day, acting, family and lonliness

I feel like the magic is gone, and am scared it won't come back.

Suggestions?

Also, I'm at work, possibly all night

*

I'm not considering this a "dry spell" as was mentioned below. To me that's not being able to get work. I've only been not in a show for about two weeks, and based on an earlier phone call today am apparently working on two films now, although I am waiting for my shooting days to be scheduled.

Nor is this really a case of "not having fun".

I'm just down. I've been down for a few days, maybe a week, and today, while a disaster, wasn't really a disaster about acting, and wasn't really my fault. Things happen, I know this, but I'm deeply superstitious and when this sort of crap happens it can often be more discouraging to me than bombing an audition or being treated poorly by someone in the business.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to keep plugging away because people will be disappointed if I don't. If we all don't bust our asses to meet our goals, then why should anyone? It feels like a responsibility and not always a welcome one, even if I also often perceive such thoughts as ludicrous -- I am so tiny and insignficant.

I can't give up, because I know, _know_ in my heart that I could, that I can actually do this. And by this I don't mean act, of course I can do that, I mean get the things I want. The crazy fucked up things I want. And if I don't, it won't be because I wasn't capable or talented or lucky enough. It'll be because I didn't work hard enough, didn't get out of bed earlier enough, didn't plan far enough ahead, wasn't hungry enough or as brave as is my right and just simply failed. The level of paralysis this can induce in me is obviously terrifying.

I used to think I was meant to do certain things. These days, more and more I feel like I wasn't meant to do anything, like I've got some magic free ride pass where I get to do what I want instead. But it's lonely. All of it really.

My parents are both painters, with some success in getting grants, selling works, having shows etc., especially when I was a child. I remember going to see my father's paintings in the gallery, because they'd go home with other people, and this made me sad. Making art and not getting to keep it frightened me.

I am not a visual artist, nor do I particularly enjoy viewing painting or illustration unless it is design work in the process of building something 3D or useable or wearable. But I suppose, at the end of the day my parents are painters and ideas about art and family twined together in my brain when I was very small. As such, it should be no surprise really that in looking for creative role models, I wound up with family ones instead, while also feeling as if I have to give up the very notion to pursue my desires.

I will never stop being lonely I don't think. It's in my nature, in the shape of my face. I just hope I can learn to be at peace or enjoy being lonely with others, given the opportunity of course.

In high school I had a friend named Steve, and it was all very complicated, and none of that really matters anymore. We watched The Sheltering Sky together once, and after that, had always wanted to go to Morocco and camp in the Sahara. When I had Internet money, I was planning that trip, alone, but we all know what happened with the Internet. The story of Steve is important though, because I think it was the last time I felt like someone was in my story, instead of just I in theirs.

I should finish my work, or a passable amount and go home. The only cure for this is about four hours of staring blankly at the ceiling.

I am, among other things, in need of spiritual solace, and I have no place in this city that grants me that.