note to self

[rm]

*sigh* I was going to quote something from Velvet Goldmine because it seemed better than talking about the shit I am giving myself right now and then I looked up the quote and it wasn't even what I thought it was and it didn't even fit.

Actually, fuck that. Note to self, take two:

• Sometimes you're going to have parts that bring you notice, and sometimes you aren't.
  
• Sometimes you're going to give good performances and sometimes you'll be tired, distractable or otherwise off your game. Sometimes you're just going to suck.
  
• Sometimes you're going to be lucky, and sometimes you aren't.
  
• Sometimes they're looking for a type. Sometime, it'll probably even be you.
  
• There is always more than one chance, as long as you want there to be more than one chance.
  
• The singlemindedness of your focus in its many permutations can be weird and boring to other people, so shut up already.
  
• You have seen the astoundingly and absurdly bad early performances of a huge range of people you admire -- performances that may or may not have driven them crazy and made them hate themselves, but absolutely certainly didn't bring them any notice. It's supposed to be like this. It's okay. Really.
  
• You have three auditions tomorrow that you are scared shitless of, but they're all for paid work and in two cases they saw your picture and they really really want you there. This weird terror you've been living under that you're not attractive enough for any sort of employ in or out of the profession is exactly that -- weird and useless terror, even if that piece in today's NYTimes did upset you further. The fact is you are desireable, and while you may not be the woman most people conjure in their head for a wide range of useless adjectives (pretty, beautiful, attrative, hot), normal, reasonable people don't loathe themselves for thinking you're yummy. And there are more normal and reasonable people in the world than you think, despite all the evidence to the contrary.
  
• You are not broken.
  
• The long list of things you've been told you need to do to be hot were the opinion of one very wacked out man. The problem with shame isn't that it isn't useful, it's that it gets all over everyone else.
  
• Which brings us back to your role in this play -- among other things, you are the unlikeable, ugly kid and a straight man to much of the show's action. Also, you've really no idea what you're doing at this stage of the game, but you're certainly learning. And it's a play about bad acting. Calm down. Look to the horrizon. Repeat your wacky little mantras. Get on with things. And laugh your fucking ass off that you just scored free Latin dance lessons as you completed this tirade.

Wow, that actually worked.

Comments

[mcsquare.livejournal.com]

That article pissed me off, though it did help me understand why I've never gotten a job like that. That is plain and simple discrimination, in my book. Ouch.

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

even though I'm mostly in social services, I got a little worried about that kind of thing in my last job search (I'm in some ways traditionally cute but I'm short and fairly heavy), like, was that part of why I was having trouble finding a job? ultimately I pinned it on the economy but it was a little disturbing to seriously consider it (which I never really had before).

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

'traditionally cute' sounds so awful. light colored hair and eyes and everything arranged in a semi-even pattern with even skin tone and light rosy coloring, though perhaps a touch more chin/jaw/nose than hollywood would put in for in the 'women are to have delicate features' model.

WORD ( if I'm not too old to say that

[labellerose.livejournal.com]

*The long list of things you've been told you need to do to be hot were the opinion of one very wacked out man. The problem with shame isn't that it isn't useful, it's that it gets all over everyone else.*

I think it's going to be my new mantra.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

For the record, I thought you were excellent in the show. You had a great deal of stage presence, carried the transition from child to character easily and well, and brought two very distinct characters to life. I was very glad I saw it.

[kimberlycreates.livejournal.com]

"you are the unlikeable, ugly kid and a straight man to much of the show's action"

This reminded me of my first experience with "acting". It's amazing I liked acting at all after this.

Girl Scout Camp, early 1980s.

The pretty girls ask me to be the "star" of their play. Their eagerness to have me in their play at all should have tipped me off. But since my picture is next to the word 'gullible' in the dictionary, I was overjoyed to accept. They told me it would be easy, I just had to stand at the end of the line and follow everybody else.

So I stand last in a line of about 5-10 other girls. One by one, they each walk up to a girl standing with her back to the audience and a shawl over her head. One by one, they peek under the shawl at her face, then keel over in a mock faint.

It's now my turn to peek under the shawl - and the girl with the shawl pretends to faint dead away.

That's when I learn that the name of their play is, "The Ugliest Girl in the World."

At least you already know your character is "ugly" and "unlikeable" in this play. :)

[kimberlycreates.livejournal.com]

As for A&F and others like them, it almost makes me wish I were prettier, skinnier and less ethical. Then I'd go into their stores meaning to get offered a job, and upon accepting said job, I'd become their worst employee nightmare.

Pretty and skinny are skin-deep. Sometimes I hate being ethical.