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(no subject)
Only in my incredibly irritating life could I yesterday google for some information, find it, and then return to the site today to double check a detail to find they've put up the new version of their fucking website and the information can now not be found (and I should add can not be found in a way that suggests it is not longer accurate, exactly). Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Not critical right at this moment, but grrrrrrrrrr.
Oh, nevermind, found it... not entirely convinced I wish I had now. Thank you whoever wrote, "we realize auditioning may be an alarming experience." Hahaha... alarming. Not, stressful... alarming. I mean, I concurr entirely, but how really fucking funny.
In other news, I will not let PMS get the better of me. I will not let it make me insecure about my friendships and relationships. I will not let it make me insecure about my current goals. I will not let it further enhance my wonder powers of procrastination. And I will not let it convince me that I am thirty and playing catch up. I am not I am not I am not.
Although that reminds me of something, which is a certain disatisfaction (oh gee, really?) with myself in terms of bending the world to my expectations and stuff. I keep trying to figure out all the rules so I can win at them. Fuck that. It's laziness or timidity or something. I dunno, I dunno if it's the PMS or what, but at the moment it would seem that I'm not happy with myself because I sleep more than five hours a night and am not producing visionary art right this second, which is 8:38 bloody a.m.
This, on its face, is insane. I recognize that. Un/fortunately that is a very real part of how I evaluate myself in part because of a pronounced family expectation (that I think was a joke and I as a humourless child believed) that my wonder would just be discovered. Whenever I say something my parents find clever (or incomprehensible) I get "why aren't you famous yet? why aren't you on TV?" And believe me, I don't do much in this world to try to please them, this included, but the fact is I was raised like so many Americans with the expectation to be extraordinary and perhaps not so much the tools, and sometimes I wonder whether joining the battle at thirty is anything but heartbreak.
Not critical right at this moment, but grrrrrrrrrr.
Oh, nevermind, found it... not entirely convinced I wish I had now. Thank you whoever wrote, "we realize auditioning may be an alarming experience." Hahaha... alarming. Not, stressful... alarming. I mean, I concurr entirely, but how really fucking funny.
In other news, I will not let PMS get the better of me. I will not let it make me insecure about my friendships and relationships. I will not let it make me insecure about my current goals. I will not let it further enhance my wonder powers of procrastination. And I will not let it convince me that I am thirty and playing catch up. I am not I am not I am not.
Although that reminds me of something, which is a certain disatisfaction (oh gee, really?) with myself in terms of bending the world to my expectations and stuff. I keep trying to figure out all the rules so I can win at them. Fuck that. It's laziness or timidity or something. I dunno, I dunno if it's the PMS or what, but at the moment it would seem that I'm not happy with myself because I sleep more than five hours a night and am not producing visionary art right this second, which is 8:38 bloody a.m.
This, on its face, is insane. I recognize that. Un/fortunately that is a very real part of how I evaluate myself in part because of a pronounced family expectation (that I think was a joke and I as a humourless child believed) that my wonder would just be discovered. Whenever I say something my parents find clever (or incomprehensible) I get "why aren't you famous yet? why aren't you on TV?" And believe me, I don't do much in this world to try to please them, this included, but the fact is I was raised like so many Americans with the expectation to be extraordinary and perhaps not so much the tools, and sometimes I wonder whether joining the battle at thirty is anything but heartbreak.
no subject
You've acquired at least two of the tools, though: the realization that being extraordinary requires a certain amount of active becoming, rather than just breathing; and the drive to become. (I think, in contrast, of Peabrain, who once explained to me that he had Great Ideas, and needed a wife to take care of the details -- which ranged from funding the ideas to making sure he got up in time to do anything.)
I'm phrasing it badly, perhaps, but people who expect to be acknowledged as extraordinary, when all they do is breathe, get up my nose.
no subject
When PMS is getting the better of me, all small issues get tied into the larger ones (say, like meeting parental expectations) and then I get right angry/depressed/or sad (sometimes all). Don't let this happen to you. You seem to be doing something meaningful in your life, even if it's only meaningful to you (although I enjoy reading about it). So don't let the hormones do you in...which is what the last few paragraphs seemed to say that they were trying to do.