(no subject)
Aug. 11th, 2003 08:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmOnly in my incredibly irritating life could I yesterday google for some information, find it, and then return to the site today to double check a detail to find they've put up the new version of their fucking website and the information can now not be found (and I should add can not be found in a way that suggests it is not longer accurate, exactly). Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Not critical right at this moment, but grrrrrrrrrr.
Oh, nevermind, found it... not entirely convinced I wish I had now. Thank you whoever wrote, "we realize auditioning may be an alarming experience." Hahaha... alarming. Not, stressful... alarming. I mean, I concurr entirely, but how really fucking funny.
In other news, I will not let PMS get the better of me. I will not let it make me insecure about my friendships and relationships. I will not let it make me insecure about my current goals. I will not let it further enhance my wonder powers of procrastination. And I will not let it convince me that I am thirty and playing catch up. I am not I am not I am not.
Although that reminds me of something, which is a certain disatisfaction (oh gee, really?) with myself in terms of bending the world to my expectations and stuff. I keep trying to figure out all the rules so I can win at them. Fuck that. It's laziness or timidity or something. I dunno, I dunno if it's the PMS or what, but at the moment it would seem that I'm not happy with myself because I sleep more than five hours a night and am not producing visionary art right this second, which is 8:38 bloody a.m.
This, on its face, is insane. I recognize that. Un/fortunately that is a very real part of how I evaluate myself in part because of a pronounced family expectation (that I think was a joke and I as a humourless child believed) that my wonder would just be discovered. Whenever I say something my parents find clever (or incomprehensible) I get "why aren't you famous yet? why aren't you on TV?" And believe me, I don't do much in this world to try to please them, this included, but the fact is I was raised like so many Americans with the expectation to be extraordinary and perhaps not so much the tools, and sometimes I wonder whether joining the battle at thirty is anything but heartbreak.
Not critical right at this moment, but grrrrrrrrrr.
Oh, nevermind, found it... not entirely convinced I wish I had now. Thank you whoever wrote, "we realize auditioning may be an alarming experience." Hahaha... alarming. Not, stressful... alarming. I mean, I concurr entirely, but how really fucking funny.
In other news, I will not let PMS get the better of me. I will not let it make me insecure about my friendships and relationships. I will not let it make me insecure about my current goals. I will not let it further enhance my wonder powers of procrastination. And I will not let it convince me that I am thirty and playing catch up. I am not I am not I am not.
Although that reminds me of something, which is a certain disatisfaction (oh gee, really?) with myself in terms of bending the world to my expectations and stuff. I keep trying to figure out all the rules so I can win at them. Fuck that. It's laziness or timidity or something. I dunno, I dunno if it's the PMS or what, but at the moment it would seem that I'm not happy with myself because I sleep more than five hours a night and am not producing visionary art right this second, which is 8:38 bloody a.m.
This, on its face, is insane. I recognize that. Un/fortunately that is a very real part of how I evaluate myself in part because of a pronounced family expectation (that I think was a joke and I as a humourless child believed) that my wonder would just be discovered. Whenever I say something my parents find clever (or incomprehensible) I get "why aren't you famous yet? why aren't you on TV?" And believe me, I don't do much in this world to try to please them, this included, but the fact is I was raised like so many Americans with the expectation to be extraordinary and perhaps not so much the tools, and sometimes I wonder whether joining the battle at thirty is anything but heartbreak.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-11 01:16 pm (UTC)When PMS is getting the better of me, all small issues get tied into the larger ones (say, like meeting parental expectations) and then I get right angry/depressed/or sad (sometimes all). Don't let this happen to you. You seem to be doing something meaningful in your life, even if it's only meaningful to you (although I enjoy reading about it). So don't let the hormones do you in...which is what the last few paragraphs seemed to say that they were trying to do.