(no subject)

[rm]

Many years ago, while looking at cufflinks in Today's Man with Michael (there was some event, maybe even something grim -- I can't remember why he was shopping) he made a remark to me, that I wish I could recall precisely. I do remember though that it was about the world in which I was comfortable and about how I should have "blue-blood well-hung sons." I had laughed, and bristled. I wasn't so Upper East Side as all that; I had never fit in in the world I had grown up in, mainly because I simply hadn't belonged there. We didn't have that sort of money. Besides, not only was I Jewish culturally, I was Italian, which in the history of America has not always been "white," and certainly never "blue-blood" (the the surreal quality of issues regarding race and Italian descent became more apparent in Australia, where Italians were let in en-masse post-WII because they were considered white, but that's a digression that isn't only irrelevant to this post, but is just sort of irrelevant and crazy in general, as race things tend to be). But now that I live in Spanish Harlem, which is not, as has been rudely pointed out to me even when I joke, "the very upper east side," I find myself, because of the neighborhoods I must travel through, thinking of the remark often.

And the truth is, I am desperately comfortable on the Upper East Side. My body unknots instinctively in a cab going down 5th Avenue -- the park and snow and mansions, the museum, the right sort shops as we get into town. That is a thing New Yorkers, I think only of the generations older than me, say -- going into down -- meaning 57th and 5th, meaning Bergdorf's and Tiffany and men with advertising jobs. I like the small markets of Germantown, and custom shops for everything. When I was a child we went to the butcher, the baker, the candy shop. When I have time and funds I do things this way even now. I like the shopping on Madison Avenue and the side streets and townhouses, being buzzed into stores without price tags. This is, in the end, my New York, whether I wish it to be or not, whether I can afford it or not.

And sure, my parents are artists and as a child, took me to Soho when it was nothing and certainly not Rodeo Drive. And I love downtown, the East Village and Tribeca for all the times its broken my heart, but those were secret things, specialized knowledge in a city full of magic. But now they're common, and my expertise of the city, of things unknown, has become not about the prismastic world Downtown (said with a drawl and meaning below Zeckendorf goddamn Towers), but of the old world, perhaps a dying one, Uptown.

I bemoan the casualization of the world a lot. And to people who don't know me, it seems an absolute (and annoying) facade; it probably even seemed so to Michael, mainly because for all our relentless conversation I never had the sense and self-possession to even attempt to express myself to him completely. But seriously, I really hate going into egregiously loud restaurants with $25+ entres to see people in jeans. That's not how it's done. And don't get me started on the theatre. Because I'll get called a snob and people will be mean to me. But I am a snob. Someone has to be.

I don't believe life is about having or spending money. But I do believe it's about acting with the dignity befitting an occassion, which I do as much as I can, often on $10 dresses, rush tickets, and packed lunches. I find a way. I do things right or sometimes not at all. Maybe this is wise, or maybe this is constant loss, I don't know. But I took a cab to work this morning, and as we swung down Fifth and I smiled at my reflection in the window of the taxi, against the park still covered in snow, I said yes, I am an Upper East Side woman, through and through, lunches, Sex in the City and plans for sons be damned.

Comments

[moshah.livejournal.com]

Beautiful post.

(Although now I want to sing Uptown Girl ...)

redone comment

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

I'm less snobby than you about clothes for restaurants and opera, but I do share a sense that there are events and situations worth dressing up a bit more for -- because it enhances the situation.

Tangential: I used to dress up a bit when going to certain fannish events -- nothing major most of the time, but skirts rather than jeans, a bit of makeup, carefully chosen jewelry -- and people didn't get that, for me, it was part of the pleasure: dressing up to look better/adding a pleasing visual element to an enjoyable event. I suspect that for certain geekish sorts, as well, "dressing up" is synonymous with "uncomfortable clothing," and they've never figured out that the two are not synonymous.

(I'm not from the Upper East Side, and know of that part of town mostly from reading, and from spending time with one or two acquaintances from high school, but ... well, I read about it, and it's a quintessential part of New York, and New York history, the same way that Harlem, and church hats, are.)

Re: redone comment

[rm.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am loving the church hat factor with my new neighborhood. I've been up early on Saturdays and Sundays a lot since I've moved for random logistical reasons, and it's just fascinating. Also, never have I seen so many white shoes.

[melebeth]

If you have not done so, you need to read Amanda Cross' Kate Fansler novels. I think you would find them extremely satisfying. (If you need one to start with, I will recommend my favorite "Poetic Justice." Even though it is solidly in the middle and answers a lingering plot question which you may have acquired through the earlier books in the series, it is the one that your post made me think of, as it deals with her feelings on similar issues.)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I remember that girl who was so upset about your comment about dressing properly for the theater. Hah!

I confess an evil, absurd thrill when I am in places like that, because of my white trash origins. I always feel like i'm crashing the party, even when I get invited to the country clib.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Er country club, I can't spell either!

[rm.livejournal.com]

I know, like, if she had seen me soaking wet and freaking out in that McDonalds, who would have thought me a snob then?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I had forgotten about that until this moment. That really scary McDonalds!

[rm.livejournal.com]

I should perhaps not have mentioned it then. Not a fine moment of dignity for me.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That part wasn't so bad. I was far more traumatized by the weird video screens and generally evil sci-fi decor, which explains why I put that memory at the bottom of a shoebox. But I do remember that was a beautiful dress and you looked superbly good in it.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you. God bless $10 stores and control top stockings.

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Then I'm a snob too, and proud of it. I get it from a different world entirely, one of European Embassy cocktail receptions, ex-pats, and weird detente. But I understand you entirely. The little shops are very European, it sounds like; it's something I miss about Europe, never mind that while there I occasionally demanded one big sensible grocery store, none of this seperate stores for the sausage and the cheese, for the love of God I only have half an hour to make dinner in!

I've fallen out of that lifestyle entirely. But I will always own one good 'power' suit, and one cocktail dress, fit to represent my country in, never mind I got them secondhand. I will always instinctively revert to impeccable manners in a social situation, even if later I really wish I'd punched that insufferable asshole who asked if I was the 'entertainment' for the bachelor party. I can eat a full 'dinner' of hors d'oeuvres from a napkin in my hand that is also holding a glass of wine, and have the other hand free to shake hands, without spilling a thing. I don't know if I'll ever need to do these things again, but I can, and they're part of me.

And I wouldn't be caught dead in jeans at the opera.

[graene.livejournal.com]

"I don't believe life is about having or spending money. But I do believe it's about acting with the dignity befitting an occassion, which I do as much as I can, often on $10 dresses, rush tickets, and packed lunches. I find a way. I do things right or sometimes not at all."

So, uhm, I'll be sending my daughter to you for part of her education then? Because that is the world I read of and daydreamed most of my childhood in, and as much of my life as I could. My mom did not always have the time to help or allow me the 'not at all', even as she understood and also missed (and had not really had) what you are describing. Actually, that's pretty much exactly what she wanted for me and how I disappointed her. Between that and the midwest location, my sense of appropriate is rather warped from yours, but I so appreciate yours, truly.

[miep.livejournal.com]

*nod* what plays in new york will not always play in peoria (or minneapolis), and v.v.

i push my food onto my fork with my fingers because i can. i have never belonged to any such world; mine was that of a professor's daughter, which is its own kind of strange, but i dreamed of something finer.

[shayguevara.livejournal.com]

Don't get me started on jeans. There is a time and a place - and it is not in a restaurant of a certain sort and certainly not in a theatre. I even dressed up for college performances (although I did not hold my peers to my standard). If we're not on Brokeback, we don't dress that way (ba dum dum).

I went to a college prep high school with a fairly strict dress code (but no uniforms). When asked about the code, our own "Mr. Chips" said, "People act the way they dress. I expect a certain level of decorum in my classroom and that includes a certain dress." This is not only evident in a high school classroom (sit in one of those chair/desk combos in a pair of jeans and then sit in it in a pair of pressed slacks and you will immediately notice how your posture and attention changes. I am serious - it is kind of a weird feeling, but worth the experiment), but also in a business meeting, on a walk in the park or sitting at The Met (the one on 5th or at Lincoln Center, depending on who you are talking to!).

I also love getting dressed up. I wish I could wear velvet gowns and long white gloves more often - hopefully with a nice hat to top it all off...

[cookie-cm.livejournal.com]

So true. In retrospect I would say I saw it begin 12 or so years ago, and now it is the norm (?) There is nothing more disturbing than walking into an event, a restaurant, etc., properly dressed, but all eyes frumpy eyes are on you for being 'overdressed'. I have actually been asked in such situations, "Are you just coming from a special occasion?"

yow

If anything, I adore, love, bask, in the methodical selection and preparation, creating a feeling, a look...it's all part of the experience.

I expect it (sad statement) here in central WI, but it is surprising to hear it expressed from someone in what is, from what I hear :), the city that has it all.

[lllvis.livejournal.com]

I bemoan the casualization of the world a lot


You know, since you wrote this, that particular quote has stuck with me. I thought about it and you about a week ago watching a program about Andre Rieu (http://www.andrerieu.com/site/index.php?id=112).

While I still enjoy classical music, part of what goes with that is the environment that is made. Music should be for the masses, but if what I am going to go listen to is classical, I'm going to dress and behave as if I'm going to enjoy classical music...completely not how I would dress and behave as if I'm going to enjoy a concert by some roadhouse guitarslinger (like maybe this guy - http://www.bugshenderson.com/ ).

Included in that show were performances of many fine classical pieces, as well as such tunes as "Irish Washerwoman" and "Old MacDonald". Well, there is music for the masses, then there is absolute pandering. The crowd responded incredibly to the "Irish Washerwoman", and he played with a special guest whose name escapes me at the moment but obviously a venerable Irish violinist.

I find myself at odds with his whole approach. He clearly has a passion for his music, and wants people to enjoy it and have fun while they do. But I can't help feel somewhere deep inside that the entire event is...cheapened...by the theatrics.

I dunno. What do you think?



Also, I haven't forgotten about the Nelson book. It has not returned so I'll be sending it again later this week...

[rm.livejournal.com]

More on this high culture/low culture thing later, as I have a lot to say -- on the subject of the Nelson book, I got an anonymous gift certificate from Amazon a few weeks after that chaos, which I think might actually be the result of the Nelson situation and be from you. If so, let me know, and I'll do the ordering! I suspect we are both quite confused.