OK, my main problem here is you using that quote here at all; it doesn't apply and is more than a little out of line. The statement is about using appropriate boundaries when sharing information between parents and children when it comes to sexual details. It applies to statements such as, "My girlfriend and I are fucking so much we're hardly getting any sleep," not "I have a girlfriend."
Yes, I've read your subsequent comments, but they're not what my comment here is about. By unapologetically using that quote and saying it applies here, you're essentially saying that anyone who feels they need to come out to their parents is being immature. That's not OK.
I think people should come out to their parents. But they need to look at the reaction they feel to their parents' reactions. If rm's parents were these amazing, deep people who astounded her on a daily basis with their wisdom and insight, then I could readily understand anyone being crushed by their negative reaction. But, on the other hand, if you've already dismissed them as hopeless on so many other issues, then why should their reaction matter so much about this?
I think rm cares too much about what her parents think and do. I feel that I much, much less critical of my father than rm is about her parents, but his opinions, much as I love him and respect him, don't matter to me as much. This is also true for other people I know regarding their parents. At a certain age, you have to go and let your parents live their own lives – just like they have to “let go” of you and let you go off to live your life. If you want your parents to love you unconditionally, then you have to be prepared to love them unconditionally back. If you demand that your parents not judge you by their values and standards, don’t you have to agree to do the same with them? rm is hardly uncritical when it comes to her folks, is she? If she feels the right to lay down her judgments on them, don’t they have the right to lay down their judgments on her? We can all agree with rm’s values and all disagree with her parents’ values, but the point about reciprocity still hangs there.
Whatever the outcome of this particular scenario (and I am still hoping rm's parents rise to the situation and blow us all away with their coolness and support), I think it might be a good opportunity for rm to take stock of why their reactions, opinions, and behavior still matter that much to her.
OK, what you're doing here is assigning "good" and "bad" values where they're not appropriate, basing what you call "good" on what is the norm for you.
There is nothing inherently unhealthy about having a close relationship with one's parents or other family members; nor is there nothing inherently unhealthy about not having a close relationship with them. And as with any people we have a close relationship with, there is nothing inherently unhealthy about caring about their opinion of us. Actually it's quite healthy and normal to care about how we affect the other people in our lives. It's only when we let those opinions or our percpetions of what those opinions would be adversely affect our ability to live our lives that it becomes unhealthy.
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rm
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Re: Ann Landers
Date: 2006-04-12 07:43 am (UTC)Yes, I've read your subsequent comments, but they're not what my comment here is about. By unapologetically using that quote and saying it applies here, you're essentially saying that anyone who feels they need to come out to their parents is being immature. That's not OK.
Coming Out
Date: 2006-04-12 05:48 pm (UTC)I think
Whatever the outcome of this particular scenario (and I am still hoping
Re: Coming Out
Date: 2006-04-13 06:22 am (UTC)There is nothing inherently unhealthy about having a close relationship with one's parents or other family members; nor is there nothing inherently unhealthy about not having a close relationship with them. And as with any people we have a close relationship with, there is nothing inherently unhealthy about caring about their opinion of us. Actually it's quite healthy and normal to care about how we affect the other people in our lives. It's only when we let those opinions or our percpetions of what those opinions would be adversely affect our ability to live our lives that it becomes unhealthy.