rm | (no subject)

In rehearsals and stupid tired.

Had an audition the other day that I think I nailed, but I'm not worried about it one way or the other really.

Have a few this week, coming up. Feel fairly in sync with the universe again.

Have to clean, have to clean... my room and my crap in the living room is making me feel both crazy and guilty, but I was too wiped last night. I'm hoping tonight will be better.

Am still vaguely tired, raw, weary, paranoid and in that place where I've utterly lost the ability to speak about anyting interesting, I think.

I've been wanting to try the theory that maybe I can recharge by totally switching gears as opposed to just hiding in my room and doing nothing, but my habits are so ingrained or something. I dunno.

Laughter freaks me out. I have a hard time reacting to it as if it is positive in any situation. Hi Rach, don't be six. Christ.

The billboard thing is really really really weird, and probably a good exercise in brushing the reality of some of my ambition. Or something. Dude better be right about the low res of the billboard making the picture of me more flattering. *shudder*.

I hate the degree to which my family assumes I'm stupid and a psychotic risk taker. After the completion of that part of the discussion, Mom said, "you're so outgoing" when Australia came up again. Outgoing would be about the last reason I want to do this. I want to lay (lie? I can never get those right) smiling with my eyes closed on the beach and not have to talk to anyone and go to school without the baggage of NYC and it's small world theater bullshit. I just want to be somewhere where I can convince myself I have the freedom to fuck-up or succeed, versus my insular little NYC where I feel like we all react with vague contempt and surprise when anyone we know gets anything. I'm sure every place is like that, but as a visitor, I get to pretend it's not. Just, I need the tan, I need the space from my city, I need the adventure. I know, I should just go to California. But I've been there, and she's never been my friend. I should actually write about that sometime.