un/willing sacrifices

[rm]

When I was younger, more than anything I wanted to find something specific to sacrifice for something else. Consider it the creative and religiously over-exposed child's alternative to thinking she wanted to be a nun. These were small and secret gestures -- a necklace I wouldn't take off (a medallion of the Virgin Mary bought at a cathedral on a school trip to Canada when I was 12) or ideas unfeasible in the face of world where my parents did, in fact, actually exist -- perhaps I could always cover my hair to show my dedication to the Goddess. I am, to a certain extent, embarassed to recount these tales, but mine is a family of sloppy and agressive religiosity. My father says, "My parents made me go to church every Sunday, but they never said which church, so I always went to a different one" and that begins not just his story, I suppose, but my own.

My mother, for being a good Jew, isn't much better -- note the Tua Prayer to the Corn Mothers we must read at Thanksgiving. She is, however, the one that always hoped I'd be Jewish, and when I was younger was the one more uncomfortable with my own meanderings. As I've gotten older, she's gotten more religious but cared about my own deal less, while Dad talks to me about Jesus more. *shrug* Who knows.

At any rate, I go through these ascetic things. Thing is the ultimate in inadequate words, of course, but it's really the right word here -- these periods have little shape, form, or focus, but they happen, repeatedly, and always recharge me (although often threaten to drag me under when I forget I've more than one nature).

So today, I was thinking about sacrifice, and how poorly we think on it in America. And I was thinking about all of you, and all of your sacrifices, both willing and unwilling. The fact is, so many of you do make huge sacrifices -- for faith, for those you love, for all sorts of dreams and goals.

But what I was really wondering about is the framing (spiritual or not) of our unwilling sacrifices and how and if we can give meaning to denials we did not choose to engage in. I didn't choose to have to give up wheat and gluten or to make everything I injest a huge act of conscious intentionality. It's just what my life is now (and I am still so sick from that contamination). Sharon didn't sacrifice her hair as a symbol of something; she just doesn't have any. A bunch of you never asked to give up jobs or certain mobility or freedoms, but you've had to for your health.
And this is not an attempt to say "everything happens for a reason" -- that's something that some people find value in believing and some people don't, and we all mostly do better if we keep it to ourselves. But I'm curious to see what you all have to say and if this is making any sense or is life really so banal that there's no way to transmogrify "I've given up wheat to protect myself" into something... well, just something.

So tell me about your sacrifies, in either category. Embarassing tales of childhood offerings, while not central to the question, always appreciated.

Finally, because it's all I can do, I am writing a letter to the dentist I had all that drama with about my weight to explain celiac disease to him. Also, when it's time to organize informal unofficial events at Phoenix Rising, I'm going to see if there are enough other celiacs attending (statistically there should be at least 9) to do a gluten-free tea or something.

Comments

[rose-sous-globe.livejournal.com]

I graduated early too, and I certainly regret it sometimes, though it was something I needed to do for my own personal development. Why did you choose to do it?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Because I tried to kill myself after being abused by a teacher. It was part of the "don't go to the media" deal. I could transfer schools, drop all my electives, double my courses and get the hell out of Dodge.

[rose-sous-globe.livejournal.com]

Man, that's really rough. I'm glad you were able to pull through.