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rmI'm listening to Begirlich in dem hertzen min on repeat again, which may merely be in an effort to purge my brain of having finally bothered to download some wizard rock to see what I think. It's amusing, certainly, but you people listen to this? I don't think I get it.
Melancholy today, although not about anything -- I think it's weather and hormones, which really, is just fine.
I'm wearing Hell's Belle today, which I didn't wear for months on end (it's the Descensus Bellatrix scent as an aside), but seems to be all I want to wear in the last week. Yes, I am concerned.
We've all seen the first photo of Tonks now, yes? Not what I was expecting, but it works for me. Also, makes me want to write Tonks fic, although I have no actually ideas for it, and just know that it would be really, really sad, because that seems to be the best use for her ability to look like whatever.
Also on the HP front, heard the sound bites from the JKR response to Rushdie on Snapecast, and I have to say, that was _not_ her confirming that Snape is good, that was her confirming that the answer to that question is what everything flows from in Book 7. Ah well. Us fans can continue to twist in misery.
Polyamory and me -- it's hardly even a sexual thing to me, nor is it about some great love I can easily manage to feel for many people. Mainly, I know my heart is complicated and that I have interactions, largely, but not entirely, because of the nature of creative process, that are emotionally very intimate in a way that would cause no end of drama with most of the purely reflexively monogamous (which I feel is different than pondering and choosing monogamy as an active "this is what works for me" choice, I should note) out there; hell, I've dated people who have been jealous of my fictional creations (and that's the tip of the crazy iceberg, but the only one relevant to this paragraph). When I find cause, I am the most loyal creature in the world; polyamory is not just how I maintain that ability, but how I make sure it isn't questioned out of stupid, cultural habit. Could I be sexually monogamous in a relationship context? Sure. With the right incentives, I could be anything; considering my nature and the beginning of this paragraph, it seems like such a silly question. Everything in my life needs to be high in content, which means casual sex annoys me and that I don't subscribe to the idea that both mediocre sex and mediocre pizza are still pretty good. Well, and then there's that thing about how pizza is poison for me now, but that's a seperate problem.
Lately, I am fragile, uncertain of my worth or my ability to come in first in any heart or endeavor. You can tell me this life is not a race, not a competition, but when you've learned to get out of bed, to do three times as much as you should on my terms in any given day, it's a bit futile.
This will pass; some days I have more gratitude and sense than others.
General note: sometimes the strongest person you know is the one most in need of succor. Just because someone is strong, doesn't mean they should have to be. Fight your friends on this, truly. It's one of the best things that I've done for others, and one of the best that's been done for me.
Melancholy today, although not about anything -- I think it's weather and hormones, which really, is just fine.
I'm wearing Hell's Belle today, which I didn't wear for months on end (it's the Descensus Bellatrix scent as an aside), but seems to be all I want to wear in the last week. Yes, I am concerned.
We've all seen the first photo of Tonks now, yes? Not what I was expecting, but it works for me. Also, makes me want to write Tonks fic, although I have no actually ideas for it, and just know that it would be really, really sad, because that seems to be the best use for her ability to look like whatever.
Also on the HP front, heard the sound bites from the JKR response to Rushdie on Snapecast, and I have to say, that was _not_ her confirming that Snape is good, that was her confirming that the answer to that question is what everything flows from in Book 7. Ah well. Us fans can continue to twist in misery.
Polyamory and me -- it's hardly even a sexual thing to me, nor is it about some great love I can easily manage to feel for many people. Mainly, I know my heart is complicated and that I have interactions, largely, but not entirely, because of the nature of creative process, that are emotionally very intimate in a way that would cause no end of drama with most of the purely reflexively monogamous (which I feel is different than pondering and choosing monogamy as an active "this is what works for me" choice, I should note) out there; hell, I've dated people who have been jealous of my fictional creations (and that's the tip of the crazy iceberg, but the only one relevant to this paragraph). When I find cause, I am the most loyal creature in the world; polyamory is not just how I maintain that ability, but how I make sure it isn't questioned out of stupid, cultural habit. Could I be sexually monogamous in a relationship context? Sure. With the right incentives, I could be anything; considering my nature and the beginning of this paragraph, it seems like such a silly question. Everything in my life needs to be high in content, which means casual sex annoys me and that I don't subscribe to the idea that both mediocre sex and mediocre pizza are still pretty good. Well, and then there's that thing about how pizza is poison for me now, but that's a seperate problem.
Lately, I am fragile, uncertain of my worth or my ability to come in first in any heart or endeavor. You can tell me this life is not a race, not a competition, but when you've learned to get out of bed, to do three times as much as you should on my terms in any given day, it's a bit futile.
This will pass; some days I have more gratitude and sense than others.
General note: sometimes the strongest person you know is the one most in need of succor. Just because someone is strong, doesn't mean they should have to be. Fight your friends on this, truly. It's one of the best things that I've done for others, and one of the best that's been done for me.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 07:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 07:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 08:13 pm (UTC)I also worry about my place in people's lives, how important I am, and so on. Feeling superfluous is horrifying and painful to me, and I've felt it a lot lately.
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Date: 2006-08-15 08:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 09:05 pm (UTC)*hugs*
even if it's about nothing in particular. ow.
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Date: 2006-08-15 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 09:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 09:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 09:34 pm (UTC)i, unfortunately, can dodge neither. this is why i stay out of middle school gymnasiums and machine shops.
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Date: 2006-08-15 09:12 pm (UTC)I had pictured her with short hair, but she does look like she'll be a great Tonks. My current WIP, which is on hiatus at the moment, is about to begin focusing on Tonks quite a bit. I really like her - I can definitely identify with Nymphadora - everytime I am a clutz, I have to laugh and thik about her!
sometimes the strongest person you know is the one most in need of succor. Just because someone is strong, doesn't mean they should have to be. Fight your friends on this, truly. It's one of the best things that I've done for others, and one of the best that's been done for me.
I've learned this, but it's been a long process. I dislike exhibiting any signs of weakness, but I can do so now. It can be the best thing you ever do - admitting that you need help or that you can't deal with a situation. It is still difficult, but from my experiences, once you admit your not as strong as others think you are, everyone surrounding you, including you, will be much happier.
I hope tomorrow is better for you; we all need our days of melancholy - I think they give us more insight into ourselves, and then on the days we feel happy and content, we appreciate them all the more.
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Date: 2006-08-15 09:18 pm (UTC)I have a pretty melancholic temperment in general, which is largely fine with me. Too much Japanese stuff as a child, I suspect -- mono no aware and all that. That said, I do despise it when it's about my insecurities as opposed to a certain fragment of my worldview.
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Date: 2006-08-15 09:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 10:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-16 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-16 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 11:56 pm (UTC)Very true, though something I hate to admit.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-16 12:07 am (UTC)