emo, but true
Mar. 24th, 2008 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmI have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am not ambitious because I'm ambitious, but because I'm afraid if I fail no one will love me.
My ambition has gotten very big in the last few years, and I've done very well with it, but I've had a hard couple of weeks, and I'm not in the best state.
Patty, however, aside from being kind, helpful, reasonable, good, and all teh stuff I don't talk to you all about, FOUND MY MISSING PASSPORT.
That's one huge nightmare off my plate.
Seriously though, you can never be too old to have a "guess I'm not the person I thought I was" moment, but it's so damn taxing.
My ambition has gotten very big in the last few years, and I've done very well with it, but I've had a hard couple of weeks, and I'm not in the best state.
Patty, however, aside from being kind, helpful, reasonable, good, and all teh stuff I don't talk to you all about, FOUND MY MISSING PASSPORT.
That's one huge nightmare off my plate.
Seriously though, you can never be too old to have a "guess I'm not the person I thought I was" moment, but it's so damn taxing.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 05:41 pm (UTC)I have a similar fear. I'm worried if I do my best, and I succeed, people will come to expect me to succeed all the time and will be disappointed by my inevitable failure. So, instead, I do a half assed job, so I can say, "Well, I never really tried in the first place."
I'm afraid I'm not as smart as everyone says I am, and I'm afraid that I'll never know what I want to do with my life, and thus be stuck earning minimum wage for the rest of it, due to lack of knowing where I want a college to take me (why pay for college to take me somewhere when I have no idea where I'm going? Not to mention, it's only expected of me to go to college simply because we can afford it).
I often treat people/friends like shit, just to see if they'll stick with me through thick and thin. I freak out when they continue to stick with me and by me, worried that they'll soon discover what a horrid, rotten person I am, and then abandon me for someone better. It's a completely illogical process, and I know it's illogical, but it's what I feel/fear.
I'd love to be a writer, but I fear I'm not creative enough to write a book, and I'm too restless to stick with writing articles for a paper. Not to mention, I'd have to hone my skill, something I'm not willing to do (see fear #1 of people hating me once I inevitably fail). However, I am currently working on building my vocabulary and correcting some of my spelling errors. I've gotten the words pseudonym and receipts down. Those were really hard for me (receipts more so than pseudonym), and I can't type them very fast, yet, but I can spell them correctly on the first try all the same, and that's something! < /run on sentence >