emo, but true

[rm]

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am not ambitious because I'm ambitious, but because I'm afraid if I fail no one will love me.

My ambition has gotten very big in the last few years, and I've done very well with it, but I've had a hard couple of weeks, and I'm not in the best state.

Patty, however, aside from being kind, helpful, reasonable, good, and all teh stuff I don't talk to you all about, FOUND MY MISSING PASSPORT.

That's one huge nightmare off my plate.

Seriously though, you can never be too old to have a "guess I'm not the person I thought I was" moment, but it's so damn taxing.

Comments

you already know this

[valancy17.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid if I fail no one will love me.

I know precisely what you mean. It's not true, you know.

It feels true, but it isn't true. I think you know that already.

For a long time, I didn't give myself any credit for accomplishing things that were driven by my ambitions, which were driven by feeling a need to succeed in order to have worth or be loved. I finally stopped once and looked at myself and said "I deserve to feel really accomplished here! I did a good thing that was really hard, I should give myself some credit." It's tough to do, really tough, especially when you do exceptional things because you feel as if you're expected to do exceptional things so 'above average' is your 'average' so what's really exceptional feels like just what you're supposed to do. (Substitute "I" for "you" if that doesn't apply to you. Maybe I'm projecting. :)

[cwoolard.livejournal.com]

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am not ambitious because I'm ambitious, but because I'm afraid if I fail no one will love me.

My gut reaction to a revelation like that would be to deliberately fail--at something major, but not life-shattering, please note--and then wait to see what happens.

Your mileage, of course, may vary.

[browneyedgirl65.livejournal.com]

I must say, I think that many, many ambitious people are ambitious for that reason as well...

[john-h-holliday.livejournal.com]

Am I not ambitious because I was taught success would not result in love?
Probably.
But, probably I am anything because I hope to be loved. Maybe I become because I hope that if I were not myself and I came upon myself, I would love myself. And there is that little almost-guilty hope that I would be loved as well, by more than myself. Is it emo to be afraid one will be unloved, to want to be loved?

I am still looking forward to getting to know you better, because your thoughts and experiences are intriguing, with or without success.

edit: Obviously, we are feeling emo, if true, ourselves. of late. that is just the way it is sometimes.

[wordkink.livejournal.com]

I have to say, my girlfriend is letting me down then 'cause she's excellent and wonderful but we even managed to -move- without finding my passport. I've got my Mexican one, but the American one is no where to be found.

...It would probably be MUCH more helpful, however, if I finally got around to cleaning out all the junk under the bed. HEH.

Also, passports are wicked expensive now! Lame.

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

I think that if you did not have at least an element of this (ambition in search of love) you would not be human. What is it that you think people who are ambitious for ambition are motivated by?

Think of all the times you failed in small or large ways and who continued to love and care about and value anyway, and all of the people who failed in similarly small or large ways who you continue to love.

I think btw that this is a great insight and the kind of dorky thing lots of us get to in our 30's; now you get to go on to be just as ambitious for the fun of it, and with a totally rad (passport-finding!) gf too :)

[annablume.livejournal.com]

I think that's the reason most people are ambitious.

[graene.livejournal.com]

Hey you know my story ("we'll love you if you do you best" but if I failed it wasn't my best) and my level of ambition at this point.

I refrained on the stealing babies comment yesterday, but when you want some 'unconditional' love (only she is supposed to use the word no just now), they're right over here.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Patty is very excited by future loaner babies. (babies for Patty, is, I think anything under 10).

[graene.livejournal.com]

I rather thought you'd prefer not to have them by themselves while diapers are still involved.

[lawnrrd]

Have I got a deal for you!

[asa-dachi.livejournal.com]

I think my fiance suffers from the same sort of 'ambitions'. Stems from a mother who, at every opportunity to congratulate her, instead took the time to tell her what she could have done better or why she was still nothing special.

Example - she got a free ride through her Masters and PhD at Rice. Her mom's response: Why do you have to go so far away?

Oddly enough, I have to occasionally ask her to plan in some down time. So I think she's 'getting' that she doesn't need to 'accomplish' to impress me or retain my affections.

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

My mom has pretty directly copped to specifically using this strategy to help my (otherwise sort of passive) sister 'succeed'. When she was exposed to more modern parenting models, she did tell me that this was what she had been taught, that you have to push children so that they don't go wrong. It helped me understand her with more compassion, and when she worked in childcare she would explain to other women from cultures more like hers about how 'you can't treat the kids like that here' (ie, helped the other women adjust to 'new' ways), which I thought was sort of sweet.

[ithinkitisayit.livejournal.com]

"I'm afraid if I fail no one will love me."
I have a similar fear. I'm worried if I do my best, and I succeed, people will come to expect me to succeed all the time and will be disappointed by my inevitable failure. So, instead, I do a half assed job, so I can say, "Well, I never really tried in the first place."

I'm afraid I'm not as smart as everyone says I am, and I'm afraid that I'll never know what I want to do with my life, and thus be stuck earning minimum wage for the rest of it, due to lack of knowing where I want a college to take me (why pay for college to take me somewhere when I have no idea where I'm going? Not to mention, it's only expected of me to go to college simply because we can afford it).

I often treat people/friends like shit, just to see if they'll stick with me through thick and thin. I freak out when they continue to stick with me and by me, worried that they'll soon discover what a horrid, rotten person I am, and then abandon me for someone better. It's a completely illogical process, and I know it's illogical, but it's what I feel/fear.

I'd love to be a writer, but I fear I'm not creative enough to write a book, and I'm too restless to stick with writing articles for a paper. Not to mention, I'd have to hone my skill, something I'm not willing to do (see fear #1 of people hating me once I inevitably fail). However, I am currently working on building my vocabulary and correcting some of my spelling errors. I've gotten the words pseudonym and receipts down. Those were really hard for me (receipts more so than pseudonym), and I can't type them very fast, yet, but I can spell them correctly on the first try all the same, and that's something! < /run on sentence >

[mobobocita.livejournal.com]

"I'm afraid if I fail no one will love me" Was my childhood.

My adult life is full of "guess I'm not the person I thought I was".

This summer is going to be a slingshot of "guess I'm not the person THEY thought I was" which I'm fairly certain will result in failing on some degree and they will all stop loving me. Bah.

But better to try and risk than not ever be truly loved.

.

[keith418.livejournal.com]

One of the things I've always admired about you was how defiant you are. If you were as dependent on the affection and support of other people as much as you claim, then I can't see how that defiance would have grown to the point that it did.