small success/big failure

[rm]

1. I got invited to be on a panel at San Diego Comic Con. In the world of what I do, I think this is a big deal, but logistically it may not be feasible.

2. I was rejected from graduate school. Perhaps my senteces were too long, my life too ridiculous, my elitism too distasteful or perhaps the fact that I am good at and successful at several things made them decide I am a dilletante. Although I am supposed to consider the possibility that my work just sucks, I'm actually rather certain it doesn't.


Good things about not getting into grad school:
- my fencing training faces no interruption (this is actually really important and serious, and may now be how I can broach aspects of this topic with the Maestri).
- I do not need to make yet more money appear out of nowhere
- no further opportunity to be embittered by beaurocracy
- more Patty time
- can still hold teas as demure faculty wife



Bad things about not getting into grad school:
- Severus Snape hates me (oh god, it took that bit of black humour to make me cry? for real?)
- I can't teach
- Confirmation that my friends are smarter than me
- Confirmation that my go go party life-style when I was 17 WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER
- Confirmation that all the horrible things people say about me are true (well, not really, but that's part of the grieving process)
- The letter really could have waited until Patty got home


Also the letter reminding me that admissions are extremely copetitive, as if that's supposed to make me feel better or remind me that I may have perhaps shot too high? Sorry, no. I get my name in the credits of a feature film this year. My second book will be published this year. I know extremely competitive, and no matter how competitive Hunter is, puh-lease.

But! I have stuff to do, literally, no time to react to this now, which is good, as there will be no repeat of the Great Fashion Show breakdown.

Comments

[lilerthkwake.livejournal.com]

finding out who I need to be and being it ... contrary to everything I've done with my life in the last ten years

I agree. You're doing things with your life that are admirable and seem, to me, what you want to do. Acting, writing, fencing, your relationship with Patty... all of these pursuits fulfill you and make up a successful life. Grad school isn't necessary for you to become a "real" writer, you're already there. I know this sounds trite, but it's true: in every disappointment there is an opportunity to learn, and at every closed door I have to wonder, "Perhaps this wasn't this best opportunity for me to learn and grow, and that's why it isn't open to me."

I agree with machineplay, though. Crying is good, because no matter how much of a learning experience it is, it's still (of course) a huge disappointment.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Well, it certainly is a lesson in humility. And I don't even mean that snidely. I've had a very good year, and perhaps I had lost some perspective.

[lilerthkwake.livejournal.com]

*nods* Humility is hard, but an important quality to cultivate. Sometimes life hands us more of it than we'd like, though.