small success/big failure

[rm]

1. I got invited to be on a panel at San Diego Comic Con. In the world of what I do, I think this is a big deal, but logistically it may not be feasible.

2. I was rejected from graduate school. Perhaps my senteces were too long, my life too ridiculous, my elitism too distasteful or perhaps the fact that I am good at and successful at several things made them decide I am a dilletante. Although I am supposed to consider the possibility that my work just sucks, I'm actually rather certain it doesn't.


Good things about not getting into grad school:
- my fencing training faces no interruption (this is actually really important and serious, and may now be how I can broach aspects of this topic with the Maestri).
- I do not need to make yet more money appear out of nowhere
- no further opportunity to be embittered by beaurocracy
- more Patty time
- can still hold teas as demure faculty wife



Bad things about not getting into grad school:
- Severus Snape hates me (oh god, it took that bit of black humour to make me cry? for real?)
- I can't teach
- Confirmation that my friends are smarter than me
- Confirmation that my go go party life-style when I was 17 WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER
- Confirmation that all the horrible things people say about me are true (well, not really, but that's part of the grieving process)
- The letter really could have waited until Patty got home


Also the letter reminding me that admissions are extremely copetitive, as if that's supposed to make me feel better or remind me that I may have perhaps shot too high? Sorry, no. I get my name in the credits of a feature film this year. My second book will be published this year. I know extremely competitive, and no matter how competitive Hunter is, puh-lease.

But! I have stuff to do, literally, no time to react to this now, which is good, as there will be no repeat of the Great Fashion Show breakdown.

Comments

that school's loss

[newwaytowrite.livejournal.com]

on to the next application/school.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about school. There are algorithms at work in this process which one could never imagine, and maybe is better off not imagining.

What now?

[rm.livejournal.com]

be angry and hate myself for a few days.
wait ten months to decide if I want to apply against next year -- there's no where else I can afford.
publish a bunch of shit, LIKE ANOTHER BOOK, in the meantime.

I mean really, this more than anything, may be about trying to prove something.

[spydielives.livejournal.com]

That just sucks, and I agree - it is completely their loss.

If it is something you want, I do not think you will let this stop you.

[ludimagist.livejournal.com]

publish a bunch of shit, LIKE ANOTHER BOOK, in the meantime.

I really like this idea.

I second everyone who said it is the school's loss.

[rufus.livejournal.com]

they're definitely doing it wrong. :( I join the chorus of NEXT! and add that seriously, see if Columbia (or any of the other city options) offer financial aid.

[sola.livejournal.com]

Ergh. Never once it it dawn on me that you might not be accepted; someone was not reading very closely, i would think. They will note the loss in that particular graduating class. On to another program?

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

I suppose seeking faculty advice on how to get in the door is out of the question? :(

I'm really sorry. I have no desire to return to academia -- the idea makes me want to leave my skin on the floor on my way to the ceiling -- but I understand that other people feel a great yearning toward it. My father has been immersed in it all his adult life, it's where he belongs. If you should be there, I think you will find your way.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Not economically feasible. All teh other ones in teh CUNY system are only for fiction (not viable, they hate genre writers) and poetry (not something I focus on much anymore).

[rm.livejournal.com]

This has been suggested to me by someone wise in the ways. But, at the same time, the idea of finding out who I need to be and being it, seems contrary to everything I've done with my life in the last ten years. I am glad I have time to just put this aside.

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

I hate to hear you sounding full of this self-doubt.

You applied to an MFA program, right? Those seem like foreign beasts to me, and I'm not sure if the criteria used for accepting MFA applicants are at all the same as those used for accepting PhD applicants. In the case of PhD programs (assuming you clear all the basic academic qualifications) it has A LOT to do with fit and whether your research goals and theoretical underpinnings align well with the whole program and with a particular member of the faculty who most likely will end up becoming your dissertation adviser, research associate, mentor, and, in some cases, close colleague. In other words, it has a lot more to do with things other than how intelligent or how good a writer you are.

If MFA programs operate similarly, your rejection does not indicate that your writing is crappy (it's not) but perhaps that you were not perceived to be as ideal a fit with faculty interests and expertise.

Would you consider applying to more than one graduate program in the future? If graduate study is something you crave, it really helps to have options. After all, that which one school does not value is desperately sought after by another.

And to share my own rejection story, when I applied for PhD programs, I was rejected almost immediately by UCLA. My bruised ego was soothed a few months later when I was courted rather intensively by both Penn and Georgetown.

[rm.livejournal.com]

It was an MFA program, yes. Unfortunately, financial situation makes this program the only viable choice for me. And, to be appallingly blunt, I find it absurd that a program that has a woman who wrote a strangely cadenced memoir about her affair with her father would find either my subject matter or tone inappropriate.

Blech.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

In this day and age, I would not apply to a university department wherein I had not already made at least one personal contact; just my general feeling on it, given the climate here in Canada. No idea what it's like down there. It's not so much changing who you are as sending a missive ahead about yourself, in part by showing up.

Putting it aside is never a bad idea. A year is minimal in the span of an academic career, really. I hope it's not too painful for you; crying is good, really.

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

Ah. So financial fit is a limiting factor. This is a tough challenge.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

I applied to 7 MFA programs in 2003. I was wait listed at 2, but was not offered a place at either one. When I applied again in 2005 I was accepted. Getting into MFA programs is very odd and subjective. If it were based on something you could wrap your brain around like test scores or grades it would be much easier to understand. If this is something you really want, you should consider applying again. Did you visit and talk to anyone there before you applied?

It turned out to be a good thing I waited because spending two extra years in Cambridge with David led to marriage. If I'd left for NYC after we'd only dated a year I am not sure our relationship would have survived.

I know those rejection letters suck. I burned mine as a little cleansing ritual.

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry -- but I'm also not. I have doubts about the value of most MFA programs, especially for a writer of your strengths and proven abilities. It truly is their loss, and it just might be your gain.

Not that it still doesn't hurt. The PhD program I wanted in most of all turned me down and, although my second choice made me very happy and I have no regrets, I'm still a bit pissed, even after all these years.

[lilerthkwake.livejournal.com]

finding out who I need to be and being it ... contrary to everything I've done with my life in the last ten years

I agree. You're doing things with your life that are admirable and seem, to me, what you want to do. Acting, writing, fencing, your relationship with Patty... all of these pursuits fulfill you and make up a successful life. Grad school isn't necessary for you to become a "real" writer, you're already there. I know this sounds trite, but it's true: in every disappointment there is an opportunity to learn, and at every closed door I have to wonder, "Perhaps this wasn't this best opportunity for me to learn and grow, and that's why it isn't open to me."

I agree with machineplay, though. Crying is good, because no matter how much of a learning experience it is, it's still (of course) a huge disappointment.

[lilerthkwake.livejournal.com]

a strangely cadenced memoir about her affair with her father

Oh, ew. I remember hearing about that book. Weird weird weird!

[askeladden.livejournal.com]

I know you're probably sick of well-meaning advice, but hey -- here's some more. I imagine that the Hunter MFA program is significantly harder to get into than the Hunter MA program in British and American Literature, but the way it shook out for me was like this: I went and talked to the admissions people, and they told me I didn't have enough literature classes on my transcript. Which was kind of funny, considering that my college is basically "Here's 100 books. Read 'em, talk about 'em, and write papers on 'em. Have a diploma. Bye!" But I was like, okay, whatever. So I took the highest level undergraduate literature class they offered -- a 400 level honors class. I whupped it, became friends with the professor, and asked him to write my recommendation to the graduate program. He was happy to, and I'm pretty sure that was the deciding factor in my getting in. (I wound up deciding not to go because I needed to get a full time job, wasn't sure I had the discipline to keep up a graduate school schedule, and knew I didn't want to teach, which would have made getting the MA pretty much a waste of time and money.) You might want to see if Hunter offers any undergrad nonfiction memoir creative writing classes. It will probably be frustrating to sit in a room with a bunch of mewling college kids, but it's a pretty good way to see for yourself whether you actually want to head back into academia, and there's a good chance that the professor teaching the higher level undergrads is also scouting for (and teaching in) the grad program. A three credit class is something like $600 a semester, which isn't bad at all, considering. Dunno.

[rm.livejournal.com]

It's prose is very beautiful and not dissimilar to mine, which is one of the weirdest things I have to react to on a pretty regular basis.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Well, it certainly is a lesson in humility. And I don't even mean that snidely. I've had a very good year, and perhaps I had lost some perspective.

[lilerthkwake.livejournal.com]

Weird, like it's hard to accept that a woman who engaged in consensual adult incest writes like you do?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Something similar has also been suggested to me. The thought of having to do undergraduate work at this point is ridiculous, especially when this is all a matter of getting a degree increative writing -- I mean, I didn't even have to the GRE's for this program. Quite simply, I or my samples were not to their liking, and considering I am used to provoking strong reactions, I am not, really, terrible surprised.

Of course, in a week when I am over the "no, nothing is to be done about this" lots of advice will seem perfectly erasonable, interesting and helpful and I will say thank you and be gracious and so forth. Unfortunately, I'm not quite there yet, but I do thank you for trying.

[lilerthkwake.livejournal.com]

*nods* Humility is hard, but an important quality to cultivate. Sometimes life hands us more of it than we'd like, though.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Not even. It's more that people tend to say it very vaguely. "Oh, you're stuff reminds me of hers" or "you remind me of her" and I'm like WHY? And then they explain and it's less creepy, but it's odd to shut up and say "thank you" as one should, in that circumstance.