small success/big failure

[rm]

1. I got invited to be on a panel at San Diego Comic Con. In the world of what I do, I think this is a big deal, but logistically it may not be feasible.

2. I was rejected from graduate school. Perhaps my senteces were too long, my life too ridiculous, my elitism too distasteful or perhaps the fact that I am good at and successful at several things made them decide I am a dilletante. Although I am supposed to consider the possibility that my work just sucks, I'm actually rather certain it doesn't.


Good things about not getting into grad school:
- my fencing training faces no interruption (this is actually really important and serious, and may now be how I can broach aspects of this topic with the Maestri).
- I do not need to make yet more money appear out of nowhere
- no further opportunity to be embittered by beaurocracy
- more Patty time
- can still hold teas as demure faculty wife



Bad things about not getting into grad school:
- Severus Snape hates me (oh god, it took that bit of black humour to make me cry? for real?)
- I can't teach
- Confirmation that my friends are smarter than me
- Confirmation that my go go party life-style when I was 17 WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER
- Confirmation that all the horrible things people say about me are true (well, not really, but that's part of the grieving process)
- The letter really could have waited until Patty got home


Also the letter reminding me that admissions are extremely copetitive, as if that's supposed to make me feel better or remind me that I may have perhaps shot too high? Sorry, no. I get my name in the credits of a feature film this year. My second book will be published this year. I know extremely competitive, and no matter how competitive Hunter is, puh-lease.

But! I have stuff to do, literally, no time to react to this now, which is good, as there will be no repeat of the Great Fashion Show breakdown.

Comments

that school's loss

[newwaytowrite.livejournal.com]

on to the next application/school.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about school. There are algorithms at work in this process which one could never imagine, and maybe is better off not imagining.

What now?

[rm.livejournal.com]

be angry and hate myself for a few days.
wait ten months to decide if I want to apply against next year -- there's no where else I can afford.
publish a bunch of shit, LIKE ANOTHER BOOK, in the meantime.

I mean really, this more than anything, may be about trying to prove something.

[spydielives.livejournal.com]

That just sucks, and I agree - it is completely their loss.

If it is something you want, I do not think you will let this stop you.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Echoes.

[rufus.livejournal.com]

they're definitely doing it wrong. :( I join the chorus of NEXT! and add that seriously, see if Columbia (or any of the other city options) offer financial aid.

[sola.livejournal.com]

Ergh. Never once it it dawn on me that you might not be accepted; someone was not reading very closely, i would think. They will note the loss in that particular graduating class. On to another program?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Not economically feasible. All teh other ones in teh CUNY system are only for fiction (not viable, they hate genre writers) and poetry (not something I focus on much anymore).

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

I suppose seeking faculty advice on how to get in the door is out of the question? :(

I'm really sorry. I have no desire to return to academia -- the idea makes me want to leave my skin on the floor on my way to the ceiling -- but I understand that other people feel a great yearning toward it. My father has been immersed in it all his adult life, it's where he belongs. If you should be there, I think you will find your way.

[rm.livejournal.com]

This has been suggested to me by someone wise in the ways. But, at the same time, the idea of finding out who I need to be and being it, seems contrary to everything I've done with my life in the last ten years. I am glad I have time to just put this aside.

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

I hate to hear you sounding full of this self-doubt.

You applied to an MFA program, right? Those seem like foreign beasts to me, and I'm not sure if the criteria used for accepting MFA applicants are at all the same as those used for accepting PhD applicants. In the case of PhD programs (assuming you clear all the basic academic qualifications) it has A LOT to do with fit and whether your research goals and theoretical underpinnings align well with the whole program and with a particular member of the faculty who most likely will end up becoming your dissertation adviser, research associate, mentor, and, in some cases, close colleague. In other words, it has a lot more to do with things other than how intelligent or how good a writer you are.

If MFA programs operate similarly, your rejection does not indicate that your writing is crappy (it's not) but perhaps that you were not perceived to be as ideal a fit with faculty interests and expertise.

Would you consider applying to more than one graduate program in the future? If graduate study is something you crave, it really helps to have options. After all, that which one school does not value is desperately sought after by another.

And to share my own rejection story, when I applied for PhD programs, I was rejected almost immediately by UCLA. My bruised ego was soothed a few months later when I was courted rather intensively by both Penn and Georgetown.

[rm.livejournal.com]

It was an MFA program, yes. Unfortunately, financial situation makes this program the only viable choice for me. And, to be appallingly blunt, I find it absurd that a program that has a woman who wrote a strangely cadenced memoir about her affair with her father would find either my subject matter or tone inappropriate.

Blech.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

I applied to 7 MFA programs in 2003. I was wait listed at 2, but was not offered a place at either one. When I applied again in 2005 I was accepted. Getting into MFA programs is very odd and subjective. If it were based on something you could wrap your brain around like test scores or grades it would be much easier to understand. If this is something you really want, you should consider applying again. Did you visit and talk to anyone there before you applied?

It turned out to be a good thing I waited because spending two extra years in Cambridge with David led to marriage. If I'd left for NYC after we'd only dated a year I am not sure our relationship would have survived.

I know those rejection letters suck. I burned mine as a little cleansing ritual.

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry -- but I'm also not. I have doubts about the value of most MFA programs, especially for a writer of your strengths and proven abilities. It truly is their loss, and it just might be your gain.

Not that it still doesn't hurt. The PhD program I wanted in most of all turned me down and, although my second choice made me very happy and I have no regrets, I'm still a bit pissed, even after all these years.

[askeladden.livejournal.com]

I know you're probably sick of well-meaning advice, but hey -- here's some more. I imagine that the Hunter MFA program is significantly harder to get into than the Hunter MA program in British and American Literature, but the way it shook out for me was like this: I went and talked to the admissions people, and they told me I didn't have enough literature classes on my transcript. Which was kind of funny, considering that my college is basically "Here's 100 books. Read 'em, talk about 'em, and write papers on 'em. Have a diploma. Bye!" But I was like, okay, whatever. So I took the highest level undergraduate literature class they offered -- a 400 level honors class. I whupped it, became friends with the professor, and asked him to write my recommendation to the graduate program. He was happy to, and I'm pretty sure that was the deciding factor in my getting in. (I wound up deciding not to go because I needed to get a full time job, wasn't sure I had the discipline to keep up a graduate school schedule, and knew I didn't want to teach, which would have made getting the MA pretty much a waste of time and money.) You might want to see if Hunter offers any undergrad nonfiction memoir creative writing classes. It will probably be frustrating to sit in a room with a bunch of mewling college kids, but it's a pretty good way to see for yourself whether you actually want to head back into academia, and there's a good chance that the professor teaching the higher level undergrads is also scouting for (and teaching in) the grad program. A three credit class is something like $600 a semester, which isn't bad at all, considering. Dunno.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Something similar has also been suggested to me. The thought of having to do undergraduate work at this point is ridiculous, especially when this is all a matter of getting a degree increative writing -- I mean, I didn't even have to the GRE's for this program. Quite simply, I or my samples were not to their liking, and considering I am used to provoking strong reactions, I am not, really, terrible surprised.

Of course, in a week when I am over the "no, nothing is to be done about this" lots of advice will seem perfectly erasonable, interesting and helpful and I will say thank you and be gracious and so forth. Unfortunately, I'm not quite there yet, but I do thank you for trying.

[placate-me.livejournal.com]

You don't need grad school. I had thought about it for a while, but then realized that a masters at SCAD in hair and skin fiber arts would be interesting, but why should I pay more money to do what I do now?

A credit in feature? That's amazing! Which one? RR?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yup.

[annablume.livejournal.com]

I find that stunning. Why do some fuckers make you ask twice?

[shayguevara.livejournal.com]

I feel for you, my friend. As a fellow graduate school rejectee, it took me a couple of years to see that I was probably better off not going. You may or may not come to this conclusion, but take comfort in the fact that the admissions process is SO SUBJECTIVE and it may be something as stupid as "we have too many students with M last names this year". It really is a crap shoot. And who ever said that grad school is full of smart people? Not to discredit your friends at all -- simply, I know many people with graduate degrees (of a wide variety)...I am just as smart as, if not smarter than, them. And so are you!

You have accomplished so much -- much more than is in your little list posted. Be proud of who you are and what you have done!

[miep.livejournal.com]

oh, honey. that is rotten news. you are so very splendid, and perhaps the rejected you because you are SO FAR BEYOND NEEDING THE CLASSES.

[iterum.livejournal.com]

Well, having just finally escaped a long incarceration in grad school, I'll resist the urge to congratulate you. But re: your list of negatives: the only thing it "confirms" is that this year, at that program, among the current crop of applicants and with the current committee in charge of vetting applications, and taking into account the current faculty's current interests (a factor in matching up students to advisors), you didn't make the list. That's all it means.

Your intelligence and qualifications are only one of a number of completely random variables. Spin the wheel again some year, you could end up with a full fellowship.

[iterum.livejournal.com]

See, I have a PhD pending and wrote the ungrammatical sentence that began "Your intelligence and qualifications...," which should somehow only prove my point.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Well, if you're not in a position (or of a mind) to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their loved ones, just remember that living well is the best revenge!

Cheers...

[labellerose.livejournal.com]

So, so their loss.
But remember, Slytherins see a setback as time to look for another opportunity to win..

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

FWIW, when I applied to graduate school, I was rejected by two, and accepted by one, and totally was confused by who accepted me and who rejected me. None of it made any sense.

Later on I realized it was because the other programs I *really* would have fit in much less than I did even at my program.

I also have a friend who applied to medical school five times before she was accepted. She got a master's in public health while she kept applying.

Sometimes it's not right the first time around.

Also, what you said about your writing style being similar to the head's style? That might be a big reason for NOT getting in. Some people are insecure and feel that similarity=competition.

Don't give up! Broaden your search, and apply for grants.

N.

[wordkink.livejournal.com]

This may seem pithy, but I have to say that what caught my eye first was your being invited to comicon. Hardly news worthy today maybe, but if you DO decide that you're coming out this way I know that it would be an -excellent- excuse for both Ranalore and myself to convince your darling Patty to come with you. These things are said out of purely selfish motivations, of course, but also this is a fantastic city and Destination City, and really, really, who doesn't love ocean and stupid-lots of culture, etc?

You may now ignore my inappropriate looking at the bright side of things. Though, ugh, the grad school situation is lame-- you could still get a glorious SoCal vacation! :D

[rm.livejournal.com]

No, I am very glad someone mentioned it! It is a big deal, I think. I believe the con is at the exact same moment Patty returns from Syria, which is one of my issues of hesitation (the other is someone other than me needs to pay for it) as I don't want to have to wait more days to see her after she is back home.

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

Argh, I'm sorry about that.

Though, I'm sure the "you might be too good" excuse has been said to you a couple times, but it seems pretty viable here. There's a bunch of professors I've talked to about MFA acting programs, and there are many, many times where they will turn down amazing candidates because they just don't think that the candidate really "needs" an MFA program, will realize this halfway through, and then quit. And someone else said it earlier here-- unless your goals are directly aligned with what certain professors at the school want to be teaching, they will be passed over.

Cold comfort, I'm sure, because it's never fun to be rejected from anywhere. But you said all this yourself earlier-- you've had some amazing achievements already this year, one can bank that you'll continue to do well regardless of whether or not you decide to pursue a degree.

[franny-glass.livejournal.com]

I know you are one of the most truly gifted people I've ever encountered. The idea of any school rejecting you is so preposterous to me. Fuck them, their loss, and maybe you're better off. You seem to be doing pretty damn well for yourself as it is.

[tlatzomia.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that. It's certainly their loss.

[ithinkitisayit.livejournal.com]

I really don't mean to kick you while you're down, but I think you meant dilettante.

"Although I am supposed to consider the possibility that my work just sucks, I'm actually rather certain it doesn't."
I agree with you there. I think you're an awesome writer. Take comfort in the fact that Hunter probably would've shot down JK Rowling before she was famous.

Be glad! If you were famous, they'd take you on name alone, and you'd never know if you were truly intelligent/talented, or if they only took you because it would look good to incoming students.

Damn LJ for not letting freeloaders edit comments!!!

[ithinkitisayit.livejournal.com]

PS: You can take writing classes online (you were going there for writing, right?). Link to Lifehacker Article about doing writing classes online (http://lifehacker.com/351490/hone-your-craft-with-free-online-writing-courses).

And I'm sorry that you didn't get in. At least you tried, though. A lot of people have the bravery to even sign up, and instead talk about how they could've gotten in, when they never truly know. On the bright side, they sent you a letter, and you did get confirmation. I imagine it's worse not knowing, especially if you call in and they tell you the results over the phone (I would've been trying *really* hard not to cry at that, though I'm not sure how sensitive you are to that kind of thing).

On the bright side, you could think up all kinds of things! Like you know the love of a woman, and the rejector does not...(Sorry, I find corny jokes like that to be hilarious.)

[00goddess.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear about the rejection. Similar to what ladypeculiar said, I think that one key might be your many accomplishments. Not because you appear to be a dilettante, but because some schools and programs want people who are less accomplished, more unfinished. You have accomplished a lot, and you may not seem moldable/teachable.

I think you're talented and going places, anyway.

[juniperus.livejournal.com]

I've been through this (oh, a dramatic story like you couldn't possibly imagine), and I have to point out that it's dependent on more than just your dossier. REALLY.