Con Behavior: Clues for Free

[rm]

The following is a list of things I should never, ever have to say. As someone who attends many, many cons for professional and personal reasons, it should be noted that I, in fact, almost never have to say them.

Yet, every single one of the issues raised below transpired at this year's Lunacon (either to me directly or as reported to me by people I know and trust or loudly in the same room I was in), often more than once, and it's just simply not okay.

To be clear, I blame none of this on the con staff or organizers, who continue to be lovely and gracious people. Nor is this directed at my friends old and new from this year's event.

With that in mind, consider this an open letter, that I will no doubt be adding to over the next few days.

1. Cons are crowded.

Please bathe. Note: hanging out in the swimming pool does not count as bathing. Despite chlorine, other people appreciate it if you are relatively fresh before you get in the pool.

Please wear reasonably clean clothes.

Please be aware of how your scent impacts others -- this includes not wearing lots of perfume. Lots of people have allergies and chemical sensitivities.

2. Cons attract diverse audiences, including members of the LGBTQA community.

It is not appropriate to shout "lesbian!" at a woman, regardless of her sexual orientation.

It is not appropriate to assume that lesbians are there for your pleasure and entertainment; as such, do not ask them to kiss, engage in an orgy, or otherwise amuse you. No, I do not care that you were "only joking." When you engage in this conduct, you are in the wrong.

Similarly, I don't care how much slash you read or write, queer people do not exist solely for your masturbatory convenience.

It is not appropriate to inquire to a trans person you do not know as to whether they've "cut it off yet" -- WE DO NOT GOSSIP ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE's SURGERY (and this goes for all surgeries for all people, not just those related to trans folk).

Do not mock asexual people. Asexuality is a valid orientation, not a defect.

3. Cons attract diverse audiences, including people of different relationship styles.

It is not appropriate to assume that just because you are [insert relationship style here] other people are too.

It is not appropriate to imply that the way you conduct your relationship(s) is the best way and that everyone else should follow your example.

It is not appropriate to insult other people's lifestyle choices.

It is not appropriate to encourage other people to break their vows and promises.

It is not appropriate to break your vows and promises; if you must, please don't do it with an audience who is then put in a terrible ethical position because they know the object of your betrayal.

4. Cons attract diverse audiences, including people living with disabilities.

Do not pet a service dog when it is working.

Do not pet a service dog without permission when it is not working.

Do not bitch about wheelchairs and scooters.

Do hold the door for people of all abilities -- it's polite! (this raised controversy -- I mean "hold for the person behind you" not "run ahead and open" -- discussion here)

If you are physically able to navigate stairs and encounter a crowded elevator, please allow people who have to take the elevator to board first.

5. Cons attract diverse audiences, including people of a wide range of ethnic, racial and religious backgrounds.

Do not mock other people's religious garb.

Do not assume someone is sexually available because of the ethnic or racial category you think they fall into (hell, don't assume someone is sexually available, period -- but the particular event that sparks this remark is the most shockingly appalling thing I've heard in YEARS).

Do not say racist crap to anyone. Saying racist crap to people you presume to be of the same racial group as yourself? Still offensive, because with any luck, they are anti-racist and PoC allies. THERE IS NO SAFE SPACE FOR YOUR RACISM; get over your shit.

6. Cons attract people of all shapes and sizes.

Do not tell people how to eat.

Do not make assumptions about why people are the sizes they are.

Do not say "real women have curves." While I understand the size-positive origin of this phrase, statements that begin "real women" or "real men" are inherently offensive. You don't get to decide whether another person is "real" or not.

Your personal aesthetic preferences are not facts.

Don't stare.

While we acknowledge that eye-contact is not comfortable for everyone in this community, please don't avoid looking in people's general direction. People exist. Please acknowledge that as best you can.

7. While in many ways cons have different standards of behavior than other social events and groupings:

It's still appropriate to wear shirt and shoes in an eatery. Please fucking do. (Bare feet turns out to be a bigger and more complicated topic than I had any idea of -- more here)

It's still polite to introduce folks when groups encounter each other. People are wearing name tags -- it's not that hard.

DO NOT TOUCH PEOPLE WITHOUT PERMISSION. Even if you know them.

Do not tell people how to stand, what facial expression they should wear or what other aspect of their personal conduct that does not violate standard social norms of courtesy and respect they should modify to please you, especially when you have no actual friendship or other positive history with them.

Not all public displays of affection are appropriate for all public spaces. Do not hump in the lobby. Do not flog people in crowded corridors. Just because something is not explicitly on this list, doesn't mean it is AOK.

8. An explanation for inappropriate behavior does not excuse it. An explanation does not absolve you of saying sorry, nor give you permission not to attempt to learn from your mistakes.

9. Do not hover on the edges of a conversation you are not a part of for thirty minutes! Either interject relevantly in an attempt at social networking or go away. Understand that you are not entitled to anyone's time, but that it is also reasonable to expect people to be gracious with you, even if they do not wish to engage in discussion with you.

10. The hotel staff are people with jobs. They are not your servants, slaves, or sex-toys, nor are they robots or other objects without feeling. RESPECT THE HOTEL EMPLOYEES (and tip the housekeeping staff).

11. If you are on a panel you are obligated to prepare for it. This goes doubly for panel moderators.

Make out a list of bullet points you may want to address.

If you have been assigned to a topic you don't know anything about, don't feel comfortable addressing or are not interested in discussing -- be proactive, either by asking to be removed from the panel or doing research in advance. Not showing up or showing up and derailing the panel are not okay.

Respect the moderator.

Do not insult the other panelists.

Do not insult the audience.

Be on time.

Plug your work only as relevant.

Be gracious. If you have a beef with someone's behavior, address it post-panel if at all possible.

Take questions.

Try to be useful to your audience. You are there to serve.

Silence your cellphone.

12. If you are attending a panel be a courteous audience member.

Do not fall asleep. If you are about to fall asleep, go to your room or the Con Suite. (note: as was pointed out to me, this is not useful or polite advice in cases of narcolpesy -- good info at link).

Do not listen to your iPod.

It's rude as an audience member to interrupt panelists. Raise your fucking hand.

Do not raise your hand and keep it up for twenty minutes starting before the panelists have even introduced themselves (meanwhile, if someone does this at a panel you are attending, try not to come to fisticuffs with them in the hall over it post pantel).

Do not talk.

Disagreeing with the panelists is fine; do not insult them.

If you think you might need or want to leave the panel early, please sit in the back.

Come prepared with questions the panelists will be thrilled. Note: a speech is not a question.

If you are attending a panel for which you suggested the topic and are not a panelist, do not try to moderate the panel from the audience.

Respect moderator requests to move on, especially if you have brought up an adult issue during an all ages panel, something illegal, or something which, while legal, might be an extremely triggering topic (e.g., child sex robots) for the panelists.

Silence your cellphone. If it rings, turn it off. If you must answer it, leave the room. If you are using your mobile device to Tweet, take notes or other relevant activity, try to be sensitive to others about it (in a darkened audience, sit in the back -- the screen glow is a bitch)

Comments

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

Don't you wish you could say, "Pay attention. You are not the center of the universe," and the rest could fall into place?

Can't believe that all this needs spelling out. Well, actually, I can. Just feels like re-inventing the wheel, ca. 1985.

Any thoughts on why Lunacon has so high a degree of social fail compared to to other cons? Does it simply attract a more clueless stratum of con-goer, so that there's insufficient self- or lateral-awareness?

[rm.livejournal.com]

I think part of the problem is that Lunacon is a very old con, and as such many people have been attending for decades, without correction, because Lunacon provided a welcome for people socially atypical when there were no other venues for such and a more mainstream world had not also gotten in the world of cons. It not being a media con, but mostly a lit con also keeps it less mainstream (sadly)

But I also think there is a core problem with people not willing to call people on their shit. As if it wouldn't be fair or polite. Well, it is not gracious to let people walk around with their asses hanging out either, and it's time for the community to fucking tough love.

Additionally, I feel like younger people who get into con going through something like Lunacon lack positive older fen rolemodels or find that those positive older fen rolemodels are eclipsed by the problem people and then, in turn, decide their own unacceptable behavior is acceptable or at least not something they will be called to account on.

[n-decisive.livejournal.com]

Additionally, I feel like younger people who get into con going through something like Lunacon lack positive older fen rolemodels or find that those positive older fen rolemodels are eclipsed by the problem people and then, in turn, decide their own unacceptable behavior is acceptable or at least not something they will be called to account on.

Word.

My son and husband joined me on Sunday. C had never seen a transgendered individual before and uttered something in surprise and we immediately went over a good portion of what you've put into this list. C wasn't insulting, but we felt it was important for him to know why it wasn't 100% appropriate for him to respond as he did. I know there are other fen parents who do this, but not enough.

In the car on the way home, we talked about these kinds of convention issues and realized that a lot of parents within the circle may not realize what's going on and that may be why they don't teach their children to behave appropriately. Having a con put forth a guide of this nature to put the idea in their minds would be a good thing.

[coppelius.livejournal.com]

As a first time visitor to Lunacon, who was in some ways a bit shell-shocked by the experience as a whole (it's interesting to hear that the panels were unmanageable, I had attributed this to the chaotic energy of cons, but now I hope this isn't always the case), I'm embarrassed and concerned to think I might have made a very large social faux pas. I won't detail the situation, so suffice to say my girlfriend and I found ourselves overwhelmed and not a bit uncomfortable while in conversation with the same individual over the course of two different, random hallway meetings. While I would like to maintain my right to say his actions were less than socially adequate, but given your list and nay-saying on criticism of lifestyle choices, I wonder if we weren't read as being critical and rude, which is somewhat distressing to think.

Are there any resources on proper behavior for conversation-extraction? If a lifestyle and the unasked for sharing of it honestly makes me uncomfortable, how can I be polite about accepting in the con-atmosphere of accepting, if all I want to do is leave the conversation?

As a note, found you through metafandom.

Also, while reading through other threads - I recently handed off a recipe for butter mochi to a celiac friend. It's a decadent non-gluten delight, and if you have any interest or know someone who might be, I would love to spread the recipe.

ETA: Ah, I am remiss! Replying to this corner of the threads because my girlfriend and I attended on the invitation of an older fen friend of ours, who we planned to meet for the first time at the con. Perhaps we should have spent more time shadowing her etiquette cues for clues.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think it's always okay to be uncomfortable with something. That doesn't mean it's bad for someone else.

Without knowing details, if it were me and I was on good behavior (and let's face it, we're not always all graceful), I would have tried something like "I'm sorry, but this isn't a topic I'm comfortable discussing, but I'm glad you've found something that works for you. Have a good day," and then move off.

Panels are really, REALLY, not always like the ones I experienced at this Lunacon. Your mileage may have varied, but most people I know were a bit quizzical about them this year.

And hey, mochi! I only know about it as a coating for Japanese ice cream, and sadly, eventhough it's rice-based wheat is often involved. While lazy, I'd love the recipe.

[coppelius.livejournal.com]

While I'd like to think we weren't overtly offensive, I'm concerned we were awkward enough to be construed as rude. Articulating discomfort would have been the wiser option. A lesson learned, if nothing else.

Butter mochi is unique to my home-state, I think. Generations ago, Hawaii locals asked what they could do to make mochi better. The answer, of course, "soak it in butter!".

BUTTER MOCHI

1. Melt 1 stick butter in 9 x 13 pan in 325 degree oven.
2. Combine dry ingredients:
1 box mochiko rice flour
1-1/2 tsp. baking powder
3 c. sugar

3. Combine wet ingredients:
1-1/2 c. milk
4 eggs, beaten
1 can coconut milk
2 tsp. vanilla

4. Mix wet ingredients into dry ingredients.
5. Pour into pan full of melted butter.
6. Bake for 50 minutes or until golden brown. Cool for at least 20 minutes and cut into pieces.

Suggestion: Place pan on a cookie sheet because the butter will tend to bubble over.

[rm.livejournal.com]

OMG, this recipe sounds like the best thing ever. Thank you!

My general sense of con folk is that a level of directness that might be rude in other social scenarios is more acceptable and appreciated and makes things clearer and more polite.

[coppelius.livejournal.com]

It's as close to the Platonic form of decadence I've ever been able to get - eat wisely!

That makes sense more sense than it doesn't, given the hope cons foster that they provide a space where geeks can interact with their fellows on a more open, honest scale than they might normally be able to with the general public.

[redrose3125.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I have a friend who is gluten-intolerant, and I am sure she'll appreciate these.

[havocthecat]

Oh, God, you posted it. I suck for not scrolling down. Sorry!

Butter Mochi

[angelskuuipo.livejournal.com]

'Allo. I just wanted to say that I made this today and it is divoon! Would you mind if I posted the recipe to my journal?

[havocthecat]

I recently handed off a recipe for butter mochi to a celiac friend. It's a decadent non-gluten delight, and if you have any interest or know someone who might be, I would love to spread the recipe.

Ooh! My mom has celiac. Could I trouble you for this recipe, please? I know you don't know me at all, but it would be REALLY NICE to present Mom with a nice, gluten-free treat the next time I see her.

[coppelius.livejournal.com]

I posted it just a little further down in this thread - pleased to spread the pleasure wherever I can!

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

OK, this is where I get annoyed.

Greybeard Fan: You young fanpunk, get the hell of my lawn1

Young Fanpunk: Fine!

Greybeard Fan (at a later date): How's come fandom is greying?

How about because you *told them to go away*? Why would any younger fan stay around if all they get for their troubles is told that they're Doing it Wrong and How Much Better It was Back in The Day Before Those Young FanPunks Came Along With Their Crazy Ideas.

Hell, I'm 43 and I'm far more likely to hang out with the younger fans than with Old Greybeard.

Furthermore, this is not a case of young fans needing a mentor. It's a case of technology has changed in such a way that younger fans don't get their SF fix the way that older ones did.

My 19 y.o. godson stares at me like I've grown a third eyeball if I tell him that there was a day when SF was not mainstream and you would never ever in a million years admit you liked the stuff. That's not his world. In his world, he can go online and find hundreds of sites devoted to whatever fannishness pleases him. It's no longer a proud and lonely thing to be an SF fan.

Finally, not bathing and being rude has exactly jack divided by squat to do with age. It has everything to do with bad manners.

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

I think the real point was that if the older jerks at the con aren't called to account for their bull, the young punks may see the con as a free-play zone, where anything goes.

Yes, the young punks need to be taught that a con is still a place to play nice. But if the con happens to have a supply of older jerks who are getting a free pass because of the OldFan card, that has to stop. And stopping the older jerks may be the best way to go.

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

True, that.

Nevertheless, I'd wager that a goodly number of young fans have the concept of basic hygiene and not speaking aloud their Inside Thoughts.

dedoc's son managed NOT to be offensive when he was jammed up against the pretty young Glamazon Barbarian in one of the Dragon*Con hotel elevators.

Now granted, those elevators are small, so you had best be a neighbourly sort. And yanno, yeah, he was clearly staring down her metal-bra-covered cleavage with eyes big as dinner plates, but hey, he's a 19 y.o. het male, so whatchagonnado?

But he did NOT ask to grope her.

Had he done so, I would've pasted him a good one and then turned him over to dedoc to finish the job.

The point being that, yes while he is a 19 y.o. het male prone to staring at the SweetYoungScantilyCladThings that parade around at D*Con, he has enough social skills and common sense not to make an ass of himself.

And that's not schooling by older fans, but by his own parents.

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

Also true. Young, con-going punks will always be a subset of young fans, just as old, con-going jerks will be a subset of old fans.

The complaint may not have been phrased perfectly. However, taken in context it seems to be less about "Them damn kids," than about the kids who haven't been taught how to behave.

[greeneyedkzin.livejournal.com]

Please allow me to tell you how much I admire your lucidity and your outrage. Good for you! Would love to see you enter the con-running racket.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you! That, however, will never, ever happen. I'm not a large-scale logistics person.

[shadowravyn.livejournal.com]

As Programming Chair for Lunacon 2010, I'm creating a panel called "You Are Not A Special Snowflake." I'm also trying to figure out how to make it mandatory.

[buddykat.livejournal.com]

As Chair of Lunacon 2010, I think that's a fabulous idea... sadly, I don't think the idiots who really need that panel will go, and if they do happen to go, it will likely go completely over their heads.

I have a plan, elegant in its simplicity...

[shadowravyn.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking we hand each participant a quiz, and hit people (with a cluebat) if they score less than an 80%. Those people who get hit will be herded into Grand North to listen to the YaNaSS panel, and will continue to take the quiz until they pass. A beating and another session is mandatory until an 80% is achieved. This will entail a YaNaSS Track, with various pros and staff taking turns on the panel.

Whaddaya think?

Re: I have a plan, elegant in its simplicity...

[buddykat.livejournal.com]

A fabulous plan! Except for the chosen few special snowflakes (you know who I mean) who would never in a million years get it.

LunaCon 2010 is When?

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

I looked online but found no dates for next year. My first allegiance is to the International Conference on the Fantastic in the Arts, which is too often the same weekend (was this year), but I wonder if I can make both next year.

Re: I have a plan, elegant in its simplicity...

[doodlesthegreat.livejournal.com]

The advantage here is that they get the snot beat out of them.