National Coming Out Day

[rm]

Today is October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. While I don't really have a lot left to come out about, the little lecture about being gay we always give each other and straight folks so they can get a handle on "what it's like to be gay," is really true: you're never, ever done coming out.

No, really. You're not.

And it's not just because the culture demands this ongoing coming out process because heterosexuality is assumed, enforced and specifically rewarded over queerness in some segment of pretty much every cultural group you can name (including gay culture; trust me, we know how to do self-hating; we've sadly been taught well).

Coming out is ongoing because we live in a culture where secrets are currency, living publicly is rewarded until it's not (ever watch the Internet turn on someone?), and for most of us, confession is something we've been taught to do, whether by our church, our daytime television or our politicians.

One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century. Perhaps, instead of articles about people coming out younger and younger (junior high!) who someone dates or crushes on won't need to be prefaced.

Unfortunately, though, despite the fact that it's kinda my job to imagine stuff different form here and now, I've got no goddamn idea what that looks like, what that's going to look like. I know I wish I could say I live there, I live then, now.

But I can't.

All my friends know I'm gay. So does everyone I work with and my parents. The Internet certainly knows I'm gay. As does my cruise line.

But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't.

To my knowledge most of my other relatives do not know I'm gay. I don't communicate with them much, so if they've heard, they've heard from my parents. Every time there's a possibility I might see any of them I wait nervously for my parents to tell me not to mention my partner or something. Whether this fear is my paranoia or a reality based either in my parents' pride or concerns of potential inheritance for me, I don't yet know.

Who else doesn't know I'm gay? Most casting people. In fact, most times if you get hired to play a gay character you still have to sign an addendum to a standard contract acknowledging that you'll be playing gay and promising not to sue for any reputational or emotional distress this may cause. Seriously. I saw a note to this effect on a casting notice for a commercial within the last two months. Maybe this is why they always ask for "real lesbians" or whatever for these scenes; so we won't sue. Maybe they just don't have the nerve to face the replies they'd get if they simply asked for some women with short hair.

I'm not out to my landlord. Not that we really deal with our landlord, but this is a consideration for many gay people and is worth noting here. I remember when our place got burglarized and the cops came and had a look around. "This is the bedroom?" "Yes" "And you both live here?" "Yes." They were really great, but if you're straight, you've never had to do that math in your head.

There are also degrees of outness in my life. I waste a lot of time reassuring my parents that I'm gender normative and I downplay my affection for suits at work as "just one of those things, that lesbians do, you know."

That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. So even if you never thought you were a bad person for being queer, as a gay person you still wind up living a life where you have to question your honor all the time, and it is this institutionalized and required dishonesty that makes us suspect -- to the military, to (until recently, I believe) the covert services, to adoption agencies, to pastors, to employers, to pretty much anyone who can still say yes or no, who can still withhold approval and sanction, in some other random facet of our lives because of who we love and who we fuck.

I can't tell you how many times I've said, "being gay doesn't make me a bad person." But the fact is while that's perfectly true, being gay does make me a liar, both as an individual and as a member of a category of people that simply must, at times, lie (about something that is both really trivial and really huge and fundamental) to survive.

It's a bit fucked up.

But the really fucked up part? The part where there is no winning. Not yet, not today, because being out is a privilege not all queer people have access to, one that can never be possessed completely with any certainty for any gay person, which sorta makes the whole day a bit odd: confess your homosexuality and then confess who you haven't confessed to.

But, all that aside, National Coming Out Day still makes coming out easier for a lot of people. It's like someone warned whoever you're about to come out to that this conversation is coming. At least it's that way in your head, even if they've never heard of National Coming Out Day. Of course, I've never come out to anyone on this day, which always makes me a little sad. Truth always came for me when necessary, like lying had, not when it was political choice.

But so it goes.

Have fewer secrets.

Comments

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

It took me a while to figure out why I was not connecting at all over this, and I finally realized: we're from different generations. While we relate on several notes, in the end, I still see being non-heterosexual differently from you (and certainly, experience colors this, too).

You seem astonished people are coming out in junior high now. I did in middle school, and I didn't really feel it was "coming out." I felt it was just finally solidifying who I am; I told my mother, and she seem surprised but had no negative reaction. My peers at school seemed confused more than anything else, though I did get several weird looks then and in high school. They did not bother me. I have no self-hate for being bisexual, for being in gay relationships; I never have, I never will.

I'm not a liar; you aren't a liar; no one is a liar for having a sexuality that isn't heterosexual. Just because society has been conditioned a certain way doesn't mean those of us against a norm have to lie or be suspect or question ourselves. It doesn't make anyone automatically a liar.

I am very open about my sexuality: my family (even extended) knows, my friends know, the internet knows! And if someone I meet in real life doesn't know, being assumed as heterosexual and correcting is clarifying, to me. I understand seeing it as "constantly coming out," but I don't see it that way.

I guess this is my "coming out" with a secret: I can't one-hundred percent connect with others about coming out or self-hatred.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

chaos_by_design's comment has made me think some, and my sexuality is probably, also, why I see this differently.

Sometimes, I wish this subject didn't have to be so complicated.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Pardon me but where do you come from and are there unicorns too?

In all seriousness - it sounds like you have been extraordinarily lucky in life. What a gift. I don't know how old you are, but I suppose you must be younger to me. When I was eleven in 1991, I wouldn't have dared to say anything to anyone about my growing sexuality. When I was outed at school in 1995, I was punched in the face and a boy threatened to rape me in the middle of the lunch area. When my father found out about my high school girlfriend, he threatened to shoot her and me. Reading articles like the one last week in the NY Times magazine about kids coming out in middle school was surprising, heartening, depressing - mostly because I was thinking damn it, ten or fifteen years and maybe things could have been so different.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

I come from Fairy Land where the unicorns poop rainbows! :D

I was actually born in 1991, so yes, I am younger than you (haha, I'm sure I look like a baby to everyone else in this thread). And I am so sorry to hear about what you have experienced; I can't imagine having received that type of treatment for my sexuality. It's so depressing to hear people have been treated this way.

In high school, my class was very large (about five hundred students), and I was aware of maybe five other students that were gay or bisexual. But I mean this was so open that everyone knew, as a few of those students were prone to sex in the bathroom. They certainly received laughs, some wary looks or conversation, and jokes, but nothing so bad as what happened to you. The rest of us that weren't on the radar as much, but I never recall any stories of people being discriminatory towards us, besides "get a room" comments and the "whoooaaa" looks when other people were informed.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I was reading a book about adoption recently, and learned about how birth control was so severely restricted and difficult for single women to get up until a few years before I was born. They never taught me that in school, and I never thought about it before - it was weird and unsettling. Part of me hopes that coming out and civil rights will go through a similar change in my lifetime.

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

Pardon me but where do you come from and are there unicorns too?

I am mentally filing this response away for future use.

There is NO excuse for the shit that people gave you, especially your dad. Jee-zus.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

To show I'm old, it sort of came from reading Doonesbury this week. Hah.

It makes the whole story kind of crazier to think I was at what was considered one of the most liberal high schools in an island of blue in the red sea down here. I tell that story sometimes and people expect that I must have been living in some small town, not the state capital.

[pin-drop.livejournal.com]

I can't one-hundred percent connect with others about coming out or self-hatred.

This is mostly how I feel. I'm obvious enough that I don't usually have to come out to people, and when I do I don't tend to get severely negative reactions. The spectrum ranges from acceptance to confusion to nervousness to occasionally awkward/annoying/sleazy questions ("Which one of you is the man?", "But, like, what do lesbians do?", "You're a girl, but you dress like a boy"). These I answer or ignore, but either way they don't deeply upset me; mostly I'm just embarrassed on behalf of the person who felt the need to ask them. There are very few people in my life who don't know I'm queer, and those people are the people I don't care about (it probably helps that I have a family of one). And when I do choose to lie (which isn't often possible -- I can't act straight to save my life), it's not at all out of shame and I don't feel even remotely guilty about it. I tend to chalk that up more to the very cozy and sheltered Lesbian Mecca in which I was raised than to any kind of age/generational difference between me and rm (which is scant anyhow).

So am I a liar? Yes. But I'm totally fine with that. And I also think I'm privileged to live in something pretty damned close to that space rm describes: the barely-imaginable, sort of socially futuristic community that for the most part is just Over It.

One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century.

I know I'm anomalous, but I'm already there. Change seems to be happening, albeit slow change. By which I mean... hold out hope?

[rm.livejournal.com]

I said that coming out is a privilege for a reason, and I'm really, sincerely, glad you've been so lucky around this topic. The more people who can have experiences like yours, the closer we get to not needing things like National Coming Out Day.

But unfortunately, for lots of people both gay and straight, being gay still matters and not in the good/neutral ways. You have the privilege to be out and be out safely because of those who have come before you (as well as probably any number of other factors that I don't know the specifics of for you), just as I've had that privilege due to those who have come before me, where I live, the industries I work in, etc.

But the fact is my father (who I am out to and who knows and likes my partner, but it is at times awkward) is almost 80-years-old, many of my relatives are that are or older and, additionally, were born abroad and raised religiously in a way that makes coming out a set of choices based around whether I wish to have continued interaction with them and whether I wish to impact my parents' interaction with them.

I have actively lied about my sexuality at various points for safety or expediency, and that's not self-hatred. I've been assaulted for being gay, I've been threatened with rape such that I had to have security stationed in front of my dorm room for being gay, I've had school paper editorials written about me for being gay. I've never hated myself for being gay, but I have had to lie about it, and I don't enjoy that. And I've had to explain to other people why they shouldn't hate me for being gay. My uncle, who is in his 50s, is also gay, and has a lot of self-hatred about it because of his own experiences and generational issues.

It's totally awesome you can be so out and be so without the stressors that others face. But those of us in different positions because of personal history, family, age, location or whatever aren't mis-assessing their circumstances or having shame issues about their identity (some people do, some people don't); they are merely existing in different circumstances with different risks from yours.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I understand that it is a privilege for many of us, even now in younger generations and even when I've had people lean out their car windows to shout "I love lesbians!" at me. It's different now, much more so than the times you and tsarina were growing up; but I am very aware the atrocities you two and many others faced still happen.

None the less, I felt saying being non-heterosexual makes you a liar was a broad sweeping statement just for being non-heterosexual. This is why I said it doesn't make anyone a liar automatically; I understand, too, lying about your sexuality is a choice people will make because of their circumstances. It's a choice, and my choice (and many of my peers' choices now) is to not lie.

Therefore I would like to correct your idea that I feel you and others were "misassessing" your position. I simply don't connect with your positions and views, and I know many my age and (at least in the US) don't either.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

(and at least in the US)*

sob, edit button. I miss you very dearly.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I think the point you're missing is that you have the privilege of such a choice because people who came before you had to live with lies without choice in the matter.

I understand you are rather young, and apparently have grown up in what sounds like extraordinary circumstances. But your entire response to this thread strikes me as utterly devoid of compassion or understanding, and a self satisfaction with that lack. There but for the grace of god go I, as they say.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

I understand that very clearly, thank you.

I'm merely speaking that, as someone younger, my (and others') position on this is different and we no longer feel we have to lie. rm's post and comment was about how that still happens, which I, also, understand.

But it is not so ubiquitous now, as I felt the wording used has implied; that is what I wanted to address. If I misinterpreted, then I don't have much to say beyond "it was a nice conversation to have."

I have nothing to say to the final part of your reply, as that is your problem and not mine.

Drive-by lurker comment is a drive-by lurker comment

[will-o-whisper.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I'm 19 and am having a very hard time imagining this ability to be so free and open about my sexuality; only just this Friday have I told somebody that, yeah, I really like girls, and that was at my university's Queer Student Center meet-n-greet. I haven't told my parents because the shit-storm will be huge and I have no where to hide while it passes; I have extended family I'm close with that I can never tell, if I want to keep seeing them. Yesterday I finally told friends on Facebook, but there's also a big difference between a blog post on the internet and having to look somebody in the face when you tell them; that's just not something I feel I can do yet.

The point being: I'm your age, and rm's post resonated. I think it would resonate for a lot of people from our generation.

Just for example, remember that QSC meeting? I met a girl there, and we got to talking. I think we hit it off pretty well and we went for coffee, just chit-chatting, getting to know each other. She ended up inviting me out to dinner with her and bunch of her friends. It was the best night of my life; I haven't been so happy in a long time.

Except I still live at home. And when I got home and told Dad all about my fabulous night I had to lie about where I met my new friend. I had to lie because the truth would have meant awkward questions about what I was doing at the QSC. I had to lie because the truth would have made my new friend suspect. I had to lie because I really didn't want to hear the awful things my dad would have said about her.

Our generation is still lying, maybe in different ways, maybe not as much, but it is definitely a real part of life for a lot of people.

I'm glad and jealous that it hasn't been for you, but I also think maybe it's worth pointing out: I think your experience has had more to do with your environment than your age.

'cause if it's an age thing I've been ripped off. :(

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

I'm glad and jealous that it hasn't been for you, but I also think maybe it's worth pointing out: I think your experience has had more to do with your environment than your age.

Yes, you are absolutely right. I was a little eager to post my comment, so I didn't consider it's many things and just not simply my age. The suburb I live in is definitely part of the reason my friends and I are so open; but even one of them has to lie to her mother about her girlfriend. I am not sure of the environment other friends of mine I are in, though.

I'm sorry you have to lie to your parents.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

friends of mine are in,*

:| /fist shakes at typos.

[alchemia.livejournal.com]

So you are about what, 18? Until I was out of college, I thought pretty much the same way. Then I started dealing with the 'real world'. Wait a few years, work at some different jobs, deal with the police, with landlords, with neighbours, the hospital ER etc and see if you feel the same way then.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

I have, thank you.

I've made the choice to be open, whether it will put me in physical danger or under injustice. I am stupid, and I know that; I don't care. Part of my being so open is not privilege: it's opinion and belief, and that is that I will not lie to people because they don't understand, fear, or are uncomfortable with me as a person.

I've met the real world. Don't assume every teenager hasn't.

[rm.livejournal.com]

If Patty or I were to be hospitalized and we chose not to lie (claiming, instead to be sisters) we would not be allowed to visit each other. I hope you can understand how many of us have to make choices that include dishonesty in order to put our families first, because there are, at present, no other options on certain fronts for many of us.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

I do understand, and I respect your decisions and others' decisions. I apologize for any misinterpreting I have done, but the post was open, and I wanted to speak what was on my mind; I should have considered the other points you were driving home.

I understand everything everyone has had to say. I guess my age (and therefore immaturity) is why I felt the need to explain myself several times, so I will avoid that.

[rm.livejournal.com]

You are absolutely welcome to post here and people are also absolutely welcome to debate here as long as they stay reasonably civil, which this has (okay, it's been sharp at points, but really, for the Internet, I think we're doing decently).

I'm not, and I don't think others are (glares around, because we don't want ageism going in any direction), calling you immature, so much as perhaps questioning your experience of the world. I certainly want a world where your openness never has negative repercussions (and your perspective that, that world does presently exist for some people is important). My experience of the world is that while that may be the case for you, that is not presently the case for all people. It obviously, for example, has fewer potential risks for someone to be out in a state where there is marriage equality than in a state where there isn't. There are obviously fewer risks to being out in NYC, than there are in (as a friend just mentioned in email) Abilene, TX. Similarly there are fewer risks to being out if you're a relatively gender normative gay man or lesbian than if you are a trans individual (the rates of violence against trans people are staggering). So it all varies, and I think people are just trying to make the point that what may be both simple and well-considered for you, may not be for someone else, and that that's not some sort of weakness of character or shame about being gay, but a situational matter related to personal safety (among other issues).

It also occurs to me that the starting off point from this discussion may be, in part, the way I choose to use language. There is a critical impact difference in writing between saying "my mother never loved me" and "sometimes I think my mother never loved me." While I don't claim to speak for anyone but myself, speaking in powerful generalities is an important rhetorical device in both fiction and non-fiction and one I employ to deal with the signal-to-noise ratio on the Internet and on issues like this, as well as to bring home the issue to individuals (in this case, mostly allies and potential allies) who have never considered a particular aspect of it before. If you felt I was speaking for you or casting aspersions on you through that device, I'm sorry for any hurt that may have been involved in that.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

Yes, of course. I wish I could think of a long reply to this, but all I can say is I agree and understand. Truthfully, I live in Virginia; and while it's become fairly progressive since younger people have become vocal in sociopolitical issues, I know if I were to leave the northern and central areas, it'd be fairly dangerous to say I have a girlfriend. Actually, a few months ago, a gay man was murdered in a northern city, which was suspected to be a hate crime (I'm not sure what the investigation concluded). So it's a risk still. Anyway, yes, it all varies.

No, don't apologize! You've caused no hurt at all. I just misinterpreted and wanted to say a few words from perspective.

[fitfool.livejournal.com]

This makes me feel some hope for the future. I could not have imagined someone in my high school or middle school being openly gay when I went there. My youngest sister is 7 years younger than me and when she mentioned there was a gay kid in her class, my first thought was, "He's openly gay? The poor kid! Is he ok?" I pictured him getting beat up every day. But to my surprise, most people seemed fine with it and left him alone. That shocked me.