National Coming Out Day
Oct. 11th, 2009 11:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmToday is October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. While I don't really have a lot left to come out about, the little lecture about being gay we always give each other and straight folks so they can get a handle on "what it's like to be gay," is really true: you're never, ever done coming out.
No, really. You're not.
And it's not just because the culture demands this ongoing coming out process because heterosexuality is assumed, enforced and specifically rewarded over queerness in some segment of pretty much every cultural group you can name (including gay culture; trust me, we know how to do self-hating; we've sadly been taught well).
Coming out is ongoing because we live in a culture where secrets are currency, living publicly is rewarded until it's not (ever watch the Internet turn on someone?), and for most of us, confession is something we've been taught to do, whether by our church, our daytime television or our politicians.
One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century. Perhaps, instead of articles about people coming out younger and younger (junior high!) who someone dates or crushes on won't need to be prefaced.
Unfortunately, though, despite the fact that it's kinda my job to imagine stuff different form here and now, I've got no goddamn idea what that looks like, what that's going to look like. I know I wish I could say I live there, I live then, now.
But I can't.
All my friends know I'm gay. So does everyone I work with and my parents. The Internet certainly knows I'm gay. As does my cruise line.
But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't.
To my knowledge most of my other relatives do not know I'm gay. I don't communicate with them much, so if they've heard, they've heard from my parents. Every time there's a possibility I might see any of them I wait nervously for my parents to tell me not to mention my partner or something. Whether this fear is my paranoia or a reality based either in my parents' pride or concerns of potential inheritance for me, I don't yet know.
Who else doesn't know I'm gay? Most casting people. In fact, most times if you get hired to play a gay character you still have to sign an addendum to a standard contract acknowledging that you'll be playing gay and promising not to sue for any reputational or emotional distress this may cause. Seriously. I saw a note to this effect on a casting notice for a commercial within the last two months. Maybe this is why they always ask for "real lesbians" or whatever for these scenes; so we won't sue. Maybe they just don't have the nerve to face the replies they'd get if they simply asked for some women with short hair.
I'm not out to my landlord. Not that we really deal with our landlord, but this is a consideration for many gay people and is worth noting here. I remember when our place got burglarized and the cops came and had a look around. "This is the bedroom?" "Yes" "And you both live here?" "Yes." They were really great, but if you're straight, you've never had to do that math in your head.
There are also degrees of outness in my life. I waste a lot of time reassuring my parents that I'm gender normative and I downplay my affection for suits at work as "just one of those things, that lesbians do, you know."
That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. So even if you never thought you were a bad person for being queer, as a gay person you still wind up living a life where you have to question your honor all the time, and it is this institutionalized and required dishonesty that makes us suspect -- to the military, to (until recently, I believe) the covert services, to adoption agencies, to pastors, to employers, to pretty much anyone who can still say yes or no, who can still withhold approval and sanction, in some other random facet of our lives because of who we love and who we fuck.
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "being gay doesn't make me a bad person." But the fact is while that's perfectly true, being gay does make me a liar, both as an individual and as a member of a category of people that simply must, at times, lie (about something that is both really trivial and really huge and fundamental) to survive.
It's a bit fucked up.
But the really fucked up part? The part where there is no winning. Not yet, not today, because being out is a privilege not all queer people have access to, one that can never be possessed completely with any certainty for any gay person, which sorta makes the whole day a bit odd: confess your homosexuality and then confess who you haven't confessed to.
But, all that aside, National Coming Out Day still makes coming out easier for a lot of people. It's like someone warned whoever you're about to come out to that this conversation is coming. At least it's that way in your head, even if they've never heard of National Coming Out Day. Of course, I've never come out to anyone on this day, which always makes me a little sad. Truth always came for me when necessary, like lying had, not when it was political choice.
But so it goes.
Have fewer secrets.
No, really. You're not.
And it's not just because the culture demands this ongoing coming out process because heterosexuality is assumed, enforced and specifically rewarded over queerness in some segment of pretty much every cultural group you can name (including gay culture; trust me, we know how to do self-hating; we've sadly been taught well).
Coming out is ongoing because we live in a culture where secrets are currency, living publicly is rewarded until it's not (ever watch the Internet turn on someone?), and for most of us, confession is something we've been taught to do, whether by our church, our daytime television or our politicians.
One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century. Perhaps, instead of articles about people coming out younger and younger (junior high!) who someone dates or crushes on won't need to be prefaced.
Unfortunately, though, despite the fact that it's kinda my job to imagine stuff different form here and now, I've got no goddamn idea what that looks like, what that's going to look like. I know I wish I could say I live there, I live then, now.
But I can't.
All my friends know I'm gay. So does everyone I work with and my parents. The Internet certainly knows I'm gay. As does my cruise line.
But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't.
To my knowledge most of my other relatives do not know I'm gay. I don't communicate with them much, so if they've heard, they've heard from my parents. Every time there's a possibility I might see any of them I wait nervously for my parents to tell me not to mention my partner or something. Whether this fear is my paranoia or a reality based either in my parents' pride or concerns of potential inheritance for me, I don't yet know.
Who else doesn't know I'm gay? Most casting people. In fact, most times if you get hired to play a gay character you still have to sign an addendum to a standard contract acknowledging that you'll be playing gay and promising not to sue for any reputational or emotional distress this may cause. Seriously. I saw a note to this effect on a casting notice for a commercial within the last two months. Maybe this is why they always ask for "real lesbians" or whatever for these scenes; so we won't sue. Maybe they just don't have the nerve to face the replies they'd get if they simply asked for some women with short hair.
I'm not out to my landlord. Not that we really deal with our landlord, but this is a consideration for many gay people and is worth noting here. I remember when our place got burglarized and the cops came and had a look around. "This is the bedroom?" "Yes" "And you both live here?" "Yes." They were really great, but if you're straight, you've never had to do that math in your head.
There are also degrees of outness in my life. I waste a lot of time reassuring my parents that I'm gender normative and I downplay my affection for suits at work as "just one of those things, that lesbians do, you know."
That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. So even if you never thought you were a bad person for being queer, as a gay person you still wind up living a life where you have to question your honor all the time, and it is this institutionalized and required dishonesty that makes us suspect -- to the military, to (until recently, I believe) the covert services, to adoption agencies, to pastors, to employers, to pretty much anyone who can still say yes or no, who can still withhold approval and sanction, in some other random facet of our lives because of who we love and who we fuck.
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "being gay doesn't make me a bad person." But the fact is while that's perfectly true, being gay does make me a liar, both as an individual and as a member of a category of people that simply must, at times, lie (about something that is both really trivial and really huge and fundamental) to survive.
It's a bit fucked up.
But the really fucked up part? The part where there is no winning. Not yet, not today, because being out is a privilege not all queer people have access to, one that can never be possessed completely with any certainty for any gay person, which sorta makes the whole day a bit odd: confess your homosexuality and then confess who you haven't confessed to.
But, all that aside, National Coming Out Day still makes coming out easier for a lot of people. It's like someone warned whoever you're about to come out to that this conversation is coming. At least it's that way in your head, even if they've never heard of National Coming Out Day. Of course, I've never come out to anyone on this day, which always makes me a little sad. Truth always came for me when necessary, like lying had, not when it was political choice.
But so it goes.
Have fewer secrets.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 03:54 pm (UTC)Maybe it's naive of me, but I am astonished and saddened that our culture doesn't know better than that by now, that you should *ever* have to say that.
I am grateful for a life that has brought me close to a lot of gays and lesbians who were able to be out at least with me.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 04:07 pm (UTC)I am personally am quite happy to have that norm challenged and have started challenging it in others (with various degrees of success I might add). Two lovely ladies forgave me for asking one if she was a man (met both on lj)... as I associated coupledom with male/female.
Thanks for letting me see the issue from another POV.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 04:55 pm (UTC)You seem astonished people are coming out in junior high now. I did in middle school, and I didn't really feel it was "coming out." I felt it was just finally solidifying who I am; I told my mother, and she seem surprised but had no negative reaction. My peers at school seemed confused more than anything else, though I did get several weird looks then and in high school. They did not bother me. I have no self-hate for being bisexual, for being in gay relationships; I never have, I never will.
I'm not a liar; you aren't a liar; no one is a liar for having a sexuality that isn't heterosexual. Just because society has been conditioned a certain way doesn't mean those of us against a norm have to lie or be suspect or question ourselves. It doesn't make anyone automatically a liar.
I am very open about my sexuality: my family (even extended) knows, my friends know, the internet knows! And if someone I meet in real life doesn't know, being assumed as heterosexual and correcting is clarifying, to me. I understand seeing it as "constantly coming out," but I don't see it that way.
I guess this is my "coming out" with a secret: I can't one-hundred percent connect with others about coming out or self-hatred.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 04:58 pm (UTC)yes. this.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:19 pm (UTC)Yes. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:34 pm (UTC)Also, "the internet knows you're gay" belongs on, I don't know, a t-shirt?
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:42 pm (UTC)If I wind up with a guy after all, does it make all of this moot for me?
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:54 pm (UTC)I want to say no, but somehow, I think the real answer is yes.
As bisexuals, we have to deal with a lot of "that person is really x sexuality" from both sides, and that's not the same frustration of living in fear or worry as other people of differing sexualities (such as, homosexuality). We, also, have the benefit of straight privilege when in a relationship with the opposite sex.
But being in a relationship with an individual of the same sex means we lose that privilege and can experience the same discrimination and frustration.
We sort of have this...ability (? I can't think of a proper word, atm) to see and experience this situation from both sides.
...also, sorry for thread jumping on you.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:56 pm (UTC)Sometimes, I wish this subject didn't have to be so complicated.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 06:26 pm (UTC)I may have to write my own post about this because, fuck, my eyes are stinging and I can't cry right now because I'm going to have supper with my dad and just...
Yeah... we're never ever fucking done.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 06:47 pm (UTC)In all seriousness - it sounds like you have been extraordinarily lucky in life. What a gift. I don't know how old you are, but I suppose you must be younger to me. When I was eleven in 1991, I wouldn't have dared to say anything to anyone about my growing sexuality. When I was outed at school in 1995, I was punched in the face and a boy threatened to rape me in the middle of the lunch area. When my father found out about my high school girlfriend, he threatened to shoot her and me. Reading articles like the one last week in the NY Times magazine about kids coming out in middle school was surprising, heartening, depressing - mostly because I was thinking damn it, ten or fifteen years and maybe things could have been so different.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 06:50 pm (UTC)You’ve probably already heard about this, but last night Obama promised the Human Rights Campaign that he will end DADT. General reaction: good to hear, but let’s see some action.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 06:55 pm (UTC)This is mostly how I feel. I'm obvious enough that I don't usually have to come out to people, and when I do I don't tend to get severely negative reactions. The spectrum ranges from acceptance to confusion to nervousness to occasionally awkward/annoying/sleazy questions ("Which one of you is the man?", "But, like, what do lesbians do?", "You're a girl, but you dress like a boy"). These I answer or ignore, but either way they don't deeply upset me; mostly I'm just embarrassed on behalf of the person who felt the need to ask them. There are very few people in my life who don't know I'm queer, and those people are the people I don't care about (it probably helps that I have a family of one). And when I do choose to lie (which isn't often possible -- I can't act straight to save my life), it's not at all out of shame and I don't feel even remotely guilty about it. I tend to chalk that up more to the very cozy and sheltered Lesbian Mecca in which I was raised than to any kind of age/generational difference between me and rm (which is scant anyhow).
So am I a liar? Yes. But I'm totally fine with that. And I also think I'm privileged to live in something pretty damned close to that space rm describes: the barely-imaginable, sort of socially futuristic community that for the most part is just Over It.
One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century.
I know I'm anomalous, but I'm already there. Change seems to be happening, albeit slow change. By which I mean... hold out hope?
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 06:56 pm (UTC)I was actually born in 1991, so yes, I am younger than you (haha, I'm sure I look like a baby to everyone else in this thread). And I am so sorry to hear about what you have experienced; I can't imagine having received that type of treatment for my sexuality. It's so depressing to hear people have been treated this way.
In high school, my class was very large (about five hundred students), and I was aware of maybe five other students that were gay or bisexual. But I mean this was so open that everyone knew, as a few of those students were prone to sex in the bathroom. They certainly received laughs, some wary looks or conversation, and jokes, but nothing so bad as what happened to you. The rest of us that weren't on the radar as much, but I never recall any stories of people being discriminatory towards us, besides "get a room" comments and the "whoooaaa" looks when other people were informed.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 07:01 pm (UTC)(Also: *Raises hand like a decorous student* I'm a pervert. Pervs have more fun.)
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 07:20 pm (UTC)Nah, it's all good, I get a lot of what you're saying.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 07:22 pm (UTC)Sure, I can see that, but I also think a crucial part of identity is how I perceive myself. I suppose the real question is though is how oppressed would I really be if I wound up getting a boyfriend versus a girlfriend.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 08:03 pm (UTC)I'm not more out because it doesn't feel safe to be so. I'd like to thank you for talking about the privilege of being out of late. It makes me hate myself a little less for making choices I've felt are necessary.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 09:20 pm (UTC)I love the postcard I saw once that said When did you first know you were heterosexual? Because yeah, everybody's got to figure out their sexuality at some point, because though it's there in you as a kid, it's kind of buried until a few years before puberty. It was another reminder that being hetero is assumed. A reminder like what you wrote.
I hate repeating myself. Were I gay, I'd probably get really sick really quickly of repeatedly coming out. It's still odd the rare time someone guesses wrong about my sexuality -- it's happened maybe three times in my life -- but that's rare. I don't have to keep dealing with it. I think at some level I dimly realized that, but now I really realize it.
Thank you for what you wrote.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 09:54 pm (UTC)eta: By which I don't mean that coming out has to be linked to any particular religion. But the *feeling* and experience of coming out, the sickening twist of fear and the lift of freedom, those are the kinds of things that fall within the broad sweep of religious experience.
Though it's often easier for atheists to come out as compared to theists, because they tend to be less fearful, Glaser thinks it shouldn't have to be that way: the journey toward recognizing one's inner truth *should* be something religion encourages.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 10:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 11:53 pm (UTC)I am mentally filing this response away for future use.
There is NO excuse for the shit that people gave you, especially your dad. Jee-zus.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 12:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 01:34 am (UTC)While I don't really have a lot left to come out about, the little lecture about being gay we always give each other and straight folks so they can get a handle on "what it's like to be gay," is really true: you're never, ever done coming out.
I'm one of those "straight folks" (then again, I'm not so sure what to label myself as). And I don't have any idea how my life would be different if I was gay or bisexual or even certain of my sexual identity. But I'm open to letting life take me in whatever direction it's supposed to and that whomever I end up with in that relationship of absolute love, man or woman, I'll be happy.
Well, at the least, I just want to be happy.
It's confusing for me. I've never been in love. I've never been in a relationship—I'm 23 and I've never been on a date or kissed. This hurts. Like I'm invisible or something.
I feel like I'm destined to end up as that old lady with a billion dogs (I'm not too much of a cat person) living in that creepy old house down the street with at least ten different rumors about how crazy I am or how I ended up a spinster because someone cursed me at birth or something.
So my question is, are you happy? You say: But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't. And: That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. I hate that the world is so negative—that personal happiness is overshadowed by what some high-horse snob deemed "normal" and what is "proper." It's such a naive thing to say, I know...
But I don't know if it's possible for me to find my own happiness in this world. Man or woman, whomever I fall in love with only the two of us will be truly happy about it.
I think I've retyped this about eight times because I am so lost—I hate that you feel like you're lying and that the world is "the way it is" currently... I would love to be able to drop by with some words of comfort, but I find myself selfishly looking for words of comfort from you. I hate that I do this...
no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 02:27 am (UTC)It makes the whole story kind of crazier to think I was at what was considered one of the most liberal high schools in an island of blue in the red sea down here. I tell that story sometimes and people expect that I must have been living in some small town, not the state capital.