National Coming Out Day

[rm]

Today is October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. While I don't really have a lot left to come out about, the little lecture about being gay we always give each other and straight folks so they can get a handle on "what it's like to be gay," is really true: you're never, ever done coming out.

No, really. You're not.

And it's not just because the culture demands this ongoing coming out process because heterosexuality is assumed, enforced and specifically rewarded over queerness in some segment of pretty much every cultural group you can name (including gay culture; trust me, we know how to do self-hating; we've sadly been taught well).

Coming out is ongoing because we live in a culture where secrets are currency, living publicly is rewarded until it's not (ever watch the Internet turn on someone?), and for most of us, confession is something we've been taught to do, whether by our church, our daytime television or our politicians.

One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century. Perhaps, instead of articles about people coming out younger and younger (junior high!) who someone dates or crushes on won't need to be prefaced.

Unfortunately, though, despite the fact that it's kinda my job to imagine stuff different form here and now, I've got no goddamn idea what that looks like, what that's going to look like. I know I wish I could say I live there, I live then, now.

But I can't.

All my friends know I'm gay. So does everyone I work with and my parents. The Internet certainly knows I'm gay. As does my cruise line.

But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't.

To my knowledge most of my other relatives do not know I'm gay. I don't communicate with them much, so if they've heard, they've heard from my parents. Every time there's a possibility I might see any of them I wait nervously for my parents to tell me not to mention my partner or something. Whether this fear is my paranoia or a reality based either in my parents' pride or concerns of potential inheritance for me, I don't yet know.

Who else doesn't know I'm gay? Most casting people. In fact, most times if you get hired to play a gay character you still have to sign an addendum to a standard contract acknowledging that you'll be playing gay and promising not to sue for any reputational or emotional distress this may cause. Seriously. I saw a note to this effect on a casting notice for a commercial within the last two months. Maybe this is why they always ask for "real lesbians" or whatever for these scenes; so we won't sue. Maybe they just don't have the nerve to face the replies they'd get if they simply asked for some women with short hair.

I'm not out to my landlord. Not that we really deal with our landlord, but this is a consideration for many gay people and is worth noting here. I remember when our place got burglarized and the cops came and had a look around. "This is the bedroom?" "Yes" "And you both live here?" "Yes." They were really great, but if you're straight, you've never had to do that math in your head.

There are also degrees of outness in my life. I waste a lot of time reassuring my parents that I'm gender normative and I downplay my affection for suits at work as "just one of those things, that lesbians do, you know."

That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. So even if you never thought you were a bad person for being queer, as a gay person you still wind up living a life where you have to question your honor all the time, and it is this institutionalized and required dishonesty that makes us suspect -- to the military, to (until recently, I believe) the covert services, to adoption agencies, to pastors, to employers, to pretty much anyone who can still say yes or no, who can still withhold approval and sanction, in some other random facet of our lives because of who we love and who we fuck.

I can't tell you how many times I've said, "being gay doesn't make me a bad person." But the fact is while that's perfectly true, being gay does make me a liar, both as an individual and as a member of a category of people that simply must, at times, lie (about something that is both really trivial and really huge and fundamental) to survive.

It's a bit fucked up.

But the really fucked up part? The part where there is no winning. Not yet, not today, because being out is a privilege not all queer people have access to, one that can never be possessed completely with any certainty for any gay person, which sorta makes the whole day a bit odd: confess your homosexuality and then confess who you haven't confessed to.

But, all that aside, National Coming Out Day still makes coming out easier for a lot of people. It's like someone warned whoever you're about to come out to that this conversation is coming. At least it's that way in your head, even if they've never heard of National Coming Out Day. Of course, I've never come out to anyone on this day, which always makes me a little sad. Truth always came for me when necessary, like lying had, not when it was political choice.

But so it goes.

Have fewer secrets.

Comments

[ex-adarog.livejournal.com]

I can't tell you how many times I've said, "being gay doesn't make me a bad person."

Maybe it's naive of me, but I am astonished and saddened that our culture doesn't know better than that by now, that you should *ever* have to say that.

I am grateful for a life that has brought me close to a lot of gays and lesbians who were able to be out at least with me.

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately I have to agree with you about the heterosexual norm (to add to that I come from a church background) so, until I joined LJ, the norm in my head was exactly that.

I am personally am quite happy to have that norm challenged and have started challenging it in others (with various degrees of success I might add). Two lovely ladies forgave me for asking one if she was a man (met both on lj)... as I associated coupledom with male/female.

Thanks for letting me see the issue from another POV.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you for taking the time to comment to this effect. Being queer in fandom, especially where there's slash or canon's with canonically queer characters, isn't always an easy place for me to be -- I talk about that a lot, the fetishization issues etc. Seeing people I know from fandom who don't necessarily have a lot of RL experience gay issues paying attention to when the queer people talk about them online is really, really welcome and appreciated. Thank you.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

It took me a while to figure out why I was not connecting at all over this, and I finally realized: we're from different generations. While we relate on several notes, in the end, I still see being non-heterosexual differently from you (and certainly, experience colors this, too).

You seem astonished people are coming out in junior high now. I did in middle school, and I didn't really feel it was "coming out." I felt it was just finally solidifying who I am; I told my mother, and she seem surprised but had no negative reaction. My peers at school seemed confused more than anything else, though I did get several weird looks then and in high school. They did not bother me. I have no self-hate for being bisexual, for being in gay relationships; I never have, I never will.

I'm not a liar; you aren't a liar; no one is a liar for having a sexuality that isn't heterosexual. Just because society has been conditioned a certain way doesn't mean those of us against a norm have to lie or be suspect or question ourselves. It doesn't make anyone automatically a liar.

I am very open about my sexuality: my family (even extended) knows, my friends know, the internet knows! And if someone I meet in real life doesn't know, being assumed as heterosexual and correcting is clarifying, to me. I understand seeing it as "constantly coming out," but I don't see it that way.

I guess this is my "coming out" with a secret: I can't one-hundred percent connect with others about coming out or self-hatred.

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

chaos_by_design's comment has made me think some, and my sexuality is probably, also, why I see this differently.

Sometimes, I wish this subject didn't have to be so complicated.

[pineapplechild.livejournal.com]

you still wind up living a life where you have to question your honor all the time

yes. this.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

Seconded. I so want to live with integrity but this one trips me up in tiny ways all the time.

[such_heights]

That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar.

Yes. Thank you.

[sykii.livejournal.com]

I like "have fewer secrets."
Also, "the internet knows you're gay" belongs on, I don't know, a t-shirt?

[rm.livejournal.com]

I was thinking tighty whities myself.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

I wonder how much of this applies to me: a bisexual who just figured that out in her 30s. I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm a poser, or deep down even if I'm a pervert (even though I don't judge anyone else for their sexuality, as long as it's about consenting adults).

If I wind up with a guy after all, does it make all of this moot for me?

[fruitsgrow.livejournal.com]

If I wind up with a guy after all, does it make all of this moot for me?

I want to say no, but somehow, I think the real answer is yes.

As bisexuals, we have to deal with a lot of "that person is really x sexuality" from both sides, and that's not the same frustration of living in fear or worry as other people of differing sexualities (such as, homosexuality). We, also, have the benefit of straight privilege when in a relationship with the opposite sex.

But being in a relationship with an individual of the same sex means we lose that privilege and can experience the same discrimination and frustration.

We sort of have this...ability (? I can't think of a proper word, atm) to see and experience this situation from both sides.

...also, sorry for thread jumping on you.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

God this resonated. Like a bloody tuning fork (don't you think they should be called "pitch forks"?).

I may have to write my own post about this because, fuck, my eyes are stinging and I can't cry right now because I'm going to have supper with my dad and just...

Yeah... we're never ever fucking done.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Just FYI, I linked to this (http://eumelia.livejournal.com/440652.html).

[laughingacademy.livejournal.com]

...it is this institutionalized and required dishonesty that makes us suspect -- to the military, to (until recently, I believe) the covert services, to adoption agencies, to pastors, to employers, to pretty much anyone who can still say yes or no...

You’ve probably already heard about this, but last night Obama promised the Human Rights Campaign that he will end DADT. General reaction: good to hear, but let’s see some action.

[rm.livejournal.com]

He's been promising that for a while. I want to know when and how.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm more than a decade younger than you, and this still resonated with me. Counting the number of beds in the flat that my girlfriend and I shared, waiting for my parents to let me know whether these relatives know or not, weighing up how professionally out I want to be as I enter an industry that runs on networking...

I'm not more out because it doesn't feel safe to be so. I'd like to thank you for talking about the privilege of being out of late. It makes me hate myself a little less for making choices I've felt are necessary.

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Needed perspective for a heterosexual person to read on this National Coming Out Day.

I love the postcard I saw once that said When did you first know you were heterosexual? Because yeah, everybody's got to figure out their sexuality at some point, because though it's there in you as a kid, it's kind of buried until a few years before puberty. It was another reminder that being hetero is assumed. A reminder like what you wrote.

I hate repeating myself. Were I gay, I'd probably get really sick really quickly of repeatedly coming out. It's still odd the rare time someone guesses wrong about my sexuality -- it's happened maybe three times in my life -- but that's rare. I don't have to keep dealing with it. I think at some level I dimly realized that, but now I really realize it.

Thank you for what you wrote.

When did you first know you were heterosexual?

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

Somewhere around 24-27 years old. Until then I was baffled if I had been so deeply uncultured I couldn't accept if I was bi. It took a little time and self acceptance. And a lot of mental beating myself up for even asking the question un-ironically.

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

I just linked to this post in my DW/LJ, as part of my link to Coming Out As Sacrament by Chris Glaser. He argues -- to me persuasively -- that coming out is a religious experience, because it's moving away from fear and closer to truth.

eta: By which I don't mean that coming out has to be linked to any particular religion. But the *feeling* and experience of coming out, the sickening twist of fear and the lift of freedom, those are the kinds of things that fall within the broad sweep of religious experience.

Though it's often easier for atheists to come out as compared to theists, because they tend to be less fearful, Glaser thinks it shouldn't have to be that way: the journey toward recognizing one's inner truth *should* be something religion encourages.

[magnetic-pole.livejournal.com]

Here via such_heights--great post. Thanks. M.

[quicksilvermad.livejournal.com]

Once more, I'm visiting you from eumelia's journal entry...

While I don't really have a lot left to come out about, the little lecture about being gay we always give each other and straight folks so they can get a handle on "what it's like to be gay," is really true: you're never, ever done coming out.
I'm one of those "straight folks" (then again, I'm not so sure what to label myself as). And I don't have any idea how my life would be different if I was gay or bisexual or even certain of my sexual identity. But I'm open to letting life take me in whatever direction it's supposed to and that whomever I end up with in that relationship of absolute love, man or woman, I'll be happy.

Well, at the least, I just want to be happy.

It's confusing for me. I've never been in love. I've never been in a relationship—I'm 23 and I've never been on a date or kissed. This hurts. Like I'm invisible or something.

I feel like I'm destined to end up as that old lady with a billion dogs (I'm not too much of a cat person) living in that creepy old house down the street with at least ten different rumors about how crazy I am or how I ended up a spinster because someone cursed me at birth or something.

So my question is, are you happy? You say: But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't. And: That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. I hate that the world is so negative—that personal happiness is overshadowed by what some high-horse snob deemed "normal" and what is "proper." It's such a naive thing to say, I know...

But I don't know if it's possible for me to find my own happiness in this world. Man or woman, whomever I fall in love with only the two of us will be truly happy about it.

I think I've retyped this about eight times because I am so lost—I hate that you feel like you're lying and that the world is "the way it is" currently... I would love to be able to drop by with some words of comfort, but I find myself selfishly looking for words of comfort from you. I hate that I do this...

[iambickilometer.livejournal.com]

What you've said here is so true, all of it. There's no way to tell everyone at once, no guarantee they'll acknowledge or accept your identity, and sometimes it's just not safe. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

[missdeanna.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize that a lot of acting contracts have that addendum. That's...sad and frustrating.

I could relate to a lot of this post. I feel like I'm lying when I'm not out, and I feel like I'm lying by saying that I'm "out" in an overall sense considering that there are definitely people who don't know.

Coming out is something I feel pulled in two directions on. On the one hand, in an ideal world, coming out wouldn't even be necessary. And I'm not one to make a big deal out of it. I did when I told my mom, but in general, I want to be able to treat it like another part of who I am. So I can justify not always being out with the fact that a lot of times it just doesn't come up. I don't share anything personal with my extended relatives, so why share this, right?

But I also know that oversimplifies things. When it comes down to it, the main reason I'm not out to my extended relatives is out of respect for my mom's wishes. And there are times when I'm still scared to be out.

I end up feeling like a liar all around even though I manage to avoid actually lying to anyone.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize that a lot of acting contracts have that addendum. That's...sad and frustrating.

Imagine having to sign that shit as a gay person. Imagine trying to refuse to sign that shit _because_ you are a gay person and the offense is in the contract line. Yeah.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar.

Oh gods, I've been thinking about this a lot today. The person I've had to become since coming out in all of the ways I've come out is not who I expected. It's less about my choice than my survival and my sanity, and that's hard. The words "cross-country bus travel" should be a great example.

Thanks for saying this.

[gatheringrivers]

*raises glass in toast* Lovely post, well written!

[gement.livejournal.com]

Our form of lying with silence yesterday:

My girlfriend is frequently read as male. (Neutral clothing, strong features.) We were going out to dinner at a pizza joint in the mall, for historical reasons.

Our very friendly and convivial waiter read her as a "sir." Not in a hostile way, just being slightly overformal in that slightly flirtatious friendly-with-the-customers way. In nearly every sentence.

She and I both agreed that we preferred the very friendly waiter who thought we were a het couple to the very embarrassed apologizing all over himself waiter who has just terribly insulted a patron by misreading her gender.

So we were silent. It made dinner more pleasant, aside from the occasional wince. But yes, somewhere in there, it felt like lying.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah. I've had that happen where a server has registered my gender differently halfway through a meal and then apologized a lot and I'm like "it's fine!" when the only part that's really not fine is that we're still talking about, but there's never any efficient way to explain that.

[silkensteel.livejournal.com]

A couple of things (here by way of a reply on rosefox's journal.

1. My daughter came out as bi when she was 15. I'm not sure if she realistically expected the "Um, me too honey, glad I don't have to worry about telling you anymore." (And as her mom, I can say that I figured hers out when she was 5 or so. Maybe earlier.)

2. I think it was harder for her to ask me to set her up with birth control than to come out. I know it was a lot harder for _me._ But that's just because, hey, she's my BABY, you know? :)

3. I am insanely lucky to live in a city and work in a job where I can be out as damned near whatever I like as long as it doesn't affect my supervisory performance or interfere with HACCP or store safety guidelines. :) But - and I am NOT trying to co-opt anything here, just sayin' - being a member of the Wrong Religion in a place where there is such a thing - not so fun either. And the Wrong Religion could be anything from being Jewish and making a wrong turn in Rising Sun, MD to realizing you forgot to take off your pentagram before you dove into the swimming pool in that hotel in San Antonio, TX.
(Yes, both of those happened to me. I live a charmed life, you know? :))

[rm.livejournal.com]

re: 3. *nod**nod*nod*. I've had the "wrong religion" experience in passing, it's not a good time and relevant in the sense of "not visually apparent stuff people talk about that when you don't fit the dominant group can cause bad things to happen."

[kaizoku.livejournal.com]

That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar.

I just try not to think about this, about how much I lie. I'm trans and the way I have to dress and act in order to pass as male means that I almost never get read as queer - which I also am. (In a way, I feel better reading your post because it reminds me that most queer people get read as straight most of the time.) It's not that I necessarily want people to know I'm queer but I hate "toning it down" to fit in.

About a month ago, a group of people came into my work and one of the men jokingly tried to pay with a $3 bill. I laughed and went with the joke and they ended up telling me about how they had seen "a black guy in a dress" over at the diner. I said that I knew him (but not personally, oh no!)... I was so angry with myself afterward. The one thing I managed to slip in that I was proud of was saying how he always looks beautiful (which he does.) I felt very constrained in that situation by "needing" to get along with the customers and my fear of being discovered. I didn't want them to look at me with disgust. So I lied and distanced myself.

[fitfool.livejournal.com]

I hadn't thought about how you end up repeatedly coming out. I'm also surprised there's a clause in many contracts about how "Yes I know I'll be playing the part of a gay character."

"I didn't know you were..."

[pingback-bot.livejournal.com]

User eumelia referenced to your post from "I didn't know you were..." (http://eumelia.livejournal.com/440652.html) saying: [...] when, but meh. I also read a post that resonated in me so much, my eyes stung up as I read it, you should read it too (http://rm.livejournal.com/1728441.html). Coming out never ends. You have to do it over and over and over again. When I came out to my mother I was 15 and ... [...]