National Coming Out Day
Oct. 11th, 2009 11:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmToday is October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. While I don't really have a lot left to come out about, the little lecture about being gay we always give each other and straight folks so they can get a handle on "what it's like to be gay," is really true: you're never, ever done coming out.
No, really. You're not.
And it's not just because the culture demands this ongoing coming out process because heterosexuality is assumed, enforced and specifically rewarded over queerness in some segment of pretty much every cultural group you can name (including gay culture; trust me, we know how to do self-hating; we've sadly been taught well).
Coming out is ongoing because we live in a culture where secrets are currency, living publicly is rewarded until it's not (ever watch the Internet turn on someone?), and for most of us, confession is something we've been taught to do, whether by our church, our daytime television or our politicians.
One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century. Perhaps, instead of articles about people coming out younger and younger (junior high!) who someone dates or crushes on won't need to be prefaced.
Unfortunately, though, despite the fact that it's kinda my job to imagine stuff different form here and now, I've got no goddamn idea what that looks like, what that's going to look like. I know I wish I could say I live there, I live then, now.
But I can't.
All my friends know I'm gay. So does everyone I work with and my parents. The Internet certainly knows I'm gay. As does my cruise line.
But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't.
To my knowledge most of my other relatives do not know I'm gay. I don't communicate with them much, so if they've heard, they've heard from my parents. Every time there's a possibility I might see any of them I wait nervously for my parents to tell me not to mention my partner or something. Whether this fear is my paranoia or a reality based either in my parents' pride or concerns of potential inheritance for me, I don't yet know.
Who else doesn't know I'm gay? Most casting people. In fact, most times if you get hired to play a gay character you still have to sign an addendum to a standard contract acknowledging that you'll be playing gay and promising not to sue for any reputational or emotional distress this may cause. Seriously. I saw a note to this effect on a casting notice for a commercial within the last two months. Maybe this is why they always ask for "real lesbians" or whatever for these scenes; so we won't sue. Maybe they just don't have the nerve to face the replies they'd get if they simply asked for some women with short hair.
I'm not out to my landlord. Not that we really deal with our landlord, but this is a consideration for many gay people and is worth noting here. I remember when our place got burglarized and the cops came and had a look around. "This is the bedroom?" "Yes" "And you both live here?" "Yes." They were really great, but if you're straight, you've never had to do that math in your head.
There are also degrees of outness in my life. I waste a lot of time reassuring my parents that I'm gender normative and I downplay my affection for suits at work as "just one of those things, that lesbians do, you know."
That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. So even if you never thought you were a bad person for being queer, as a gay person you still wind up living a life where you have to question your honor all the time, and it is this institutionalized and required dishonesty that makes us suspect -- to the military, to (until recently, I believe) the covert services, to adoption agencies, to pastors, to employers, to pretty much anyone who can still say yes or no, who can still withhold approval and sanction, in some other random facet of our lives because of who we love and who we fuck.
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "being gay doesn't make me a bad person." But the fact is while that's perfectly true, being gay does make me a liar, both as an individual and as a member of a category of people that simply must, at times, lie (about something that is both really trivial and really huge and fundamental) to survive.
It's a bit fucked up.
But the really fucked up part? The part where there is no winning. Not yet, not today, because being out is a privilege not all queer people have access to, one that can never be possessed completely with any certainty for any gay person, which sorta makes the whole day a bit odd: confess your homosexuality and then confess who you haven't confessed to.
But, all that aside, National Coming Out Day still makes coming out easier for a lot of people. It's like someone warned whoever you're about to come out to that this conversation is coming. At least it's that way in your head, even if they've never heard of National Coming Out Day. Of course, I've never come out to anyone on this day, which always makes me a little sad. Truth always came for me when necessary, like lying had, not when it was political choice.
But so it goes.
Have fewer secrets.
No, really. You're not.
And it's not just because the culture demands this ongoing coming out process because heterosexuality is assumed, enforced and specifically rewarded over queerness in some segment of pretty much every cultural group you can name (including gay culture; trust me, we know how to do self-hating; we've sadly been taught well).
Coming out is ongoing because we live in a culture where secrets are currency, living publicly is rewarded until it's not (ever watch the Internet turn on someone?), and for most of us, confession is something we've been taught to do, whether by our church, our daytime television or our politicians.
One day, perhaps, coming out will be some weird artifact of the gay rights movement of the late-20th and early-21st century. Perhaps, instead of articles about people coming out younger and younger (junior high!) who someone dates or crushes on won't need to be prefaced.
Unfortunately, though, despite the fact that it's kinda my job to imagine stuff different form here and now, I've got no goddamn idea what that looks like, what that's going to look like. I know I wish I could say I live there, I live then, now.
But I can't.
All my friends know I'm gay. So does everyone I work with and my parents. The Internet certainly knows I'm gay. As does my cruise line.
But this isn't about who knows I'm gay. This is about who doesn't.
To my knowledge most of my other relatives do not know I'm gay. I don't communicate with them much, so if they've heard, they've heard from my parents. Every time there's a possibility I might see any of them I wait nervously for my parents to tell me not to mention my partner or something. Whether this fear is my paranoia or a reality based either in my parents' pride or concerns of potential inheritance for me, I don't yet know.
Who else doesn't know I'm gay? Most casting people. In fact, most times if you get hired to play a gay character you still have to sign an addendum to a standard contract acknowledging that you'll be playing gay and promising not to sue for any reputational or emotional distress this may cause. Seriously. I saw a note to this effect on a casting notice for a commercial within the last two months. Maybe this is why they always ask for "real lesbians" or whatever for these scenes; so we won't sue. Maybe they just don't have the nerve to face the replies they'd get if they simply asked for some women with short hair.
I'm not out to my landlord. Not that we really deal with our landlord, but this is a consideration for many gay people and is worth noting here. I remember when our place got burglarized and the cops came and had a look around. "This is the bedroom?" "Yes" "And you both live here?" "Yes." They were really great, but if you're straight, you've never had to do that math in your head.
There are also degrees of outness in my life. I waste a lot of time reassuring my parents that I'm gender normative and I downplay my affection for suits at work as "just one of those things, that lesbians do, you know."
That's the thing about being gay in a homophobic, heterosexual-privileging society. It makes you a liar. So even if you never thought you were a bad person for being queer, as a gay person you still wind up living a life where you have to question your honor all the time, and it is this institutionalized and required dishonesty that makes us suspect -- to the military, to (until recently, I believe) the covert services, to adoption agencies, to pastors, to employers, to pretty much anyone who can still say yes or no, who can still withhold approval and sanction, in some other random facet of our lives because of who we love and who we fuck.
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "being gay doesn't make me a bad person." But the fact is while that's perfectly true, being gay does make me a liar, both as an individual and as a member of a category of people that simply must, at times, lie (about something that is both really trivial and really huge and fundamental) to survive.
It's a bit fucked up.
But the really fucked up part? The part where there is no winning. Not yet, not today, because being out is a privilege not all queer people have access to, one that can never be possessed completely with any certainty for any gay person, which sorta makes the whole day a bit odd: confess your homosexuality and then confess who you haven't confessed to.
But, all that aside, National Coming Out Day still makes coming out easier for a lot of people. It's like someone warned whoever you're about to come out to that this conversation is coming. At least it's that way in your head, even if they've never heard of National Coming Out Day. Of course, I've never come out to anyone on this day, which always makes me a little sad. Truth always came for me when necessary, like lying had, not when it was political choice.
But so it goes.
Have fewer secrets.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:42 pm (UTC)If I wind up with a guy after all, does it make all of this moot for me?
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:54 pm (UTC)I want to say no, but somehow, I think the real answer is yes.
As bisexuals, we have to deal with a lot of "that person is really x sexuality" from both sides, and that's not the same frustration of living in fear or worry as other people of differing sexualities (such as, homosexuality). We, also, have the benefit of straight privilege when in a relationship with the opposite sex.
But being in a relationship with an individual of the same sex means we lose that privilege and can experience the same discrimination and frustration.
We sort of have this...ability (? I can't think of a proper word, atm) to see and experience this situation from both sides.
...also, sorry for thread jumping on you.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 07:20 pm (UTC)Nah, it's all good, I get a lot of what you're saying.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 07:01 pm (UTC)(Also: *Raises hand like a decorous student* I'm a pervert. Pervs have more fun.)
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 07:22 pm (UTC)Sure, I can see that, but I also think a crucial part of identity is how I perceive myself. I suppose the real question is though is how oppressed would I really be if I wound up getting a boyfriend versus a girlfriend.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 05:14 pm (UTC)And there's how oppressed you would be in terms of still having to *think* about whether to say anything, or to keep quiet when someone says "but everyone here is straight," or starts a conversation about Prop8 and then wants to know why you care so much.
(personal id: bisexual, genderqueer, and spend a lot of time worrying about my queer cred)
no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 04:54 pm (UTC)I mean, on one hand, the person the world sees you with is how the world is going to treat you in a specific, direct and intentional manner. So it has an impact.
But there's also all the cultural shit, where you have to listen (sometimes more, if people don't know you're queer) to other people's bigotry, or when you feel you have to censor yourself about appreciating the physical attributes of a movie star or something. Because able to talk about what moves you without startling, offending or provoking people is a privilege, and it's one that it's harder for queer people, even queer people in heterosexual (seeming) relationships to have.
I knew I was attracted to men before I ever had sex with one. And I knew I was attracted to women before I ever had sex with one. But only one of those things was ever questioned by other people.
You count on these issues and these issues count for you.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 11:18 pm (UTC)EXACTLY.
As I know I've posted before, I identify as bi. I figured this out and came out at 19, luckily into an extraordinarily permissive/not-caring environment (*waves at UC Berkeley*). 90% of my relationships have been with men. I've identified as bi anyway, because it's who I am as opposed to who I fuck that counts in my own head. In fact, at nearly-40, I'm starting to realize that my preferences may be more 'lesbian' than 'straight' (as if it were a percentage or continuum or something, though neither of those is accurate really), and trying to figure out how to cope with this identification process all over again.
And yes, at the same time, have spent years wondering if the act of dating men is the act of lying about my own identity, because cultural assumptions are made. And every time an assumption is made, I have to assess "Is it better to say something, or to shut up and let it slide?" and wonder if I've made the right choice on every occasion afterwards, and wait for the axe to fall if I haven't. Every little decision of 'to out or not out?' that weighs on you. And even living in one of the most progressive places in the country, it's still endangering.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 01:48 am (UTC)I'm quite a bit younger than you, but I totally get what you mean. I also identify as bi... sort of. I hate the acceptance of a binary gender system that the label implies, and I don't like that people assume it's 50/50. Sexuality is a continuum, and I've found that I slide along it a lot. The label 'straight' has never seemed to fit, nor has 'lesbian' - I usually stick to 'queer' and then have to give this whole speech if someone asks. Makes it damn hard to come out, too.
I think one of the hardest things about being gay (but especially bi), at least for me is that having to choose when to say something issue. There's so many ways it shows up, and each time I don't say anything (or sometimes lie outright, like rm was talking about) I feel like I'm betraying myself and my community. But at the same time, constantly coming out, constantly making my sexuality the thing that people know about me - it's tiring. And bloody awkward.