r's and m's
Dec. 14th, 2009 09:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmIn the last year, I've noticed a peculiar trend in my writing that goes back decades. I have an awful lot of protagonists named Martin, and I think I know why.
You see, if my name weren't Racheline, I'm pretty sure it would be Martin. This is not what my parents would have named me had I come out with different bits (what they would have named me had I "been a boy" in the traditional sense of things is completely unknown to me and I think I'd be off-put, quite frankly, by the process of asking and answering). It's also far from my favorite male name. But it's the one people tell me over and over I should use: as a pen name, or a drag name, or, you know, just if I decide I want a male name. Or something.
And it feels okay on me. Pretty solid really. Like a secret I don't know how to tell you. I think I'm awfully comfy in those m's and r's. And plus, I know the long list of names I can't have: Most men aren't cool enough to be named Jack, and you really have to like dogs to have that name; I don't like dog. To be frank, they make me a bit nervous. Meanwhile Richard shortens to Dick, and that's always unfortunate when you keep yours in your dresser. Nicholas, well that feels too delicate even for me.
So Martin. Sure. Why not? Martin.
But I can't be Martin. Because I keep writing about men named Martin. Over and over and over again. And that's the thing, you can't name yourself after your own characters. Not at all. Not ever. Nope. And if I can't be Martin, then I don't have to make the choice described in Why James Chartrand Wears Women's Underpants, which for me wouldn't even feel all that much like a deception, just maybe a lot of work on the days when I do feel like wearing a dress (that's the annoying thing about me, I wear the dressy clothes assigned to either gender really fucking well, and anything I do well I tend to like).
So this is what I mean when I say as part of my very long explanation of my gender identity that for political reasons I will always, on some level, be female.
Read the link. This shit sucks. It sucks for women. And it sucks for everyone who ever has to walk through the middle of this gender thing.
And it sucks for someone with a name like mine -- that's fantastic as a brand, but is weird and unwieldy as an actual thing for actual people to call me and makes people angry, like it's more than someone with a cunt deserves.
You see, if my name weren't Racheline, I'm pretty sure it would be Martin. This is not what my parents would have named me had I come out with different bits (what they would have named me had I "been a boy" in the traditional sense of things is completely unknown to me and I think I'd be off-put, quite frankly, by the process of asking and answering). It's also far from my favorite male name. But it's the one people tell me over and over I should use: as a pen name, or a drag name, or, you know, just if I decide I want a male name. Or something.
And it feels okay on me. Pretty solid really. Like a secret I don't know how to tell you. I think I'm awfully comfy in those m's and r's. And plus, I know the long list of names I can't have: Most men aren't cool enough to be named Jack, and you really have to like dogs to have that name; I don't like dog. To be frank, they make me a bit nervous. Meanwhile Richard shortens to Dick, and that's always unfortunate when you keep yours in your dresser. Nicholas, well that feels too delicate even for me.
So Martin. Sure. Why not? Martin.
But I can't be Martin. Because I keep writing about men named Martin. Over and over and over again. And that's the thing, you can't name yourself after your own characters. Not at all. Not ever. Nope. And if I can't be Martin, then I don't have to make the choice described in Why James Chartrand Wears Women's Underpants, which for me wouldn't even feel all that much like a deception, just maybe a lot of work on the days when I do feel like wearing a dress (that's the annoying thing about me, I wear the dressy clothes assigned to either gender really fucking well, and anything I do well I tend to like).
So this is what I mean when I say as part of my very long explanation of my gender identity that for political reasons I will always, on some level, be female.
Read the link. This shit sucks. It sucks for women. And it sucks for everyone who ever has to walk through the middle of this gender thing.
And it sucks for someone with a name like mine -- that's fantastic as a brand, but is weird and unwieldy as an actual thing for actual people to call me and makes people angry, like it's more than someone with a cunt deserves.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-17 05:15 pm (UTC)When I was little I asked my mom, and apparently the boy name she would have chosen for me was David. But it doesn't resonate with me even remotely.
It's remarkable how well "Gina R Snape" has served for me in separating my online life from family/students/academics/others. An extraordinary number of people have assumed it to be my given name and I came very close to using it a few times in RL. I rather suspect if you ever introduce yourself as Martin, you'll experience a kind of thrill that crosses many lines and ticks many little invisible boxes in your brain.
It may be very cavalier of me to say screw the "Mary Sue" conventions, but really, your identity and your life and your work and your politics are worth more than the opinions of some small-minded fandom people or convention. And yeah, the story in the link sucks - not just because it still happens - but because there are so many who cannot and will not believe it still happens.