sundries

[rm]

While I didn't work on the Bristol paper last night, I did get one third of the way through my Buffy/Angel essay. And it is tight and funny so far. But man, I've got a lot going on in there including Joyce's death, Wesley's masculinity, the terror that I'm Spike and the spectre of my own misogyny. Really, it's funnier than it sounds.

A lesbian actress and activist fighting deportation from England to Iran still needs your help.

Legal wrangling over the National Day of Prayer.

An article on the plight of parents estranged from their children. Perhaps the only thing that's fair for me to say about this article is to echo the observation that a lot of things parents do that seem like love to them, don't seem that way to the child.

Last night bodlon linked me to The Open Source Order of the Golden Dawn, which, to be frank, I haven't checked out yet and many more of you may have specific opinions on. But at some point I have a lot to say about Mystery, elitism, "open source" as a code word for all sorts of things including misogyny, and, maybe, the OTO. That day is not today. That day probably isn't even this month.

The demise of New York Military Academy. The 400 military prep schools that once existed in the US now number merely 25. I remember ads for these things in the back of The New York Times Magazine section, near where the ads where for my arts summer camp, and I always worried a little bit that my parents would eventually decide I was awful enough to send me to one, but sometimes, I remember, I also wished they would.

The moral life of babies.

Are you a woman in the workplace? Here, have some some stuff about why you can't win. via ginmar.

Polling station rules in the UK. via beccaelizabeth.

Comments

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

What interested me most about that article on estrangement was the emphasis on parents saying, Yes, yes, we screwed up. They were urged to be "generous" in accepting fault even if they believed otherwise.

It's an uncomfortable angle that I think does not get discussed enough, because in the article the assumption is the kids were fucked up and the parents innocent. Yet they came to that conclusion - that the parents had to pave the way back home.

[sociallyawkrd.livejournal.com]

Yes! Personally my reconciliation with my parents would have been different if they would have accepted any sort of fault. Instead my mother stated "You were difficult to love as a child"

I have never doubted that the estrangement hurt them. I simply had to do it to figure out a way to construct the wall they can't penetrate.

[00goddess.livejournal.com]

Well, the parents are the ones who want a relationship here. If they want it, I do think it's their job to pave the way.

[elisi]

the terror that I'm Spike
If you're Spike, you'll be in good company - he is undoubtedly one of the most identified-with characters in the whole 'verse. Also... wait and see. Spike is the metaphor that broke the mould, and went his own way entirely. *is diehard Spike fan*

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

As they address in the article, the demise of the military school is down to a PR problem. Ask someone 27-35 where they may have first heard the words "military school," and the answer you'll get is a sitcom or "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."

It was always a last resort for parents who didn't know how to deal with their difficult, usually boy, teens.

That parenting article, along with karnythia's commentary in her LJ, is deeply well timed for me. (Not in re: my family, but for a friend.)

ETA: That article sucked. Those relationships broke down for reasons. I realize in a "lifestyles" type article in the Times, they may not get addressed, but hey, can they at least be acknowledged? Ugh.

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

Heh, I'm tempted to take my entire menagerie down to the polling station now, but I suspect riding a horse accompanied by two hounds might actually count as Tory party political clothing.

ETA: Have now done the deed, with accompanying dog, who was welcomed in with open arms, and had a big fuss from the Conservative polling agent, the heel. And I really could have ridden, our polling station in basically in a field of horses.

[tintop-lizzy.livejournal.com]

British people vote, usually, and it's all part of the village atmosphere. We do use the US system as a stern warning about the power of money to corrupt. Why? Bush.

[angstzeit.livejournal.com]

I think both parents and children have greater burdens in the smaller families of today.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Estrangement among family members isn't a new thing, by any means, and it isn't confined to small families. (My anecdata, let me show you it.)

[angstzeit.livejournal.com]

Indeed. It seems to me, though, that the chances of estrangement from all children in a large family is less.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

The article about parental estrangement stirred up a lot of thoughts in me, most of which I don't think I can vocalise. On the one hand it's good to see that it gives the same advice my mother had about my brother, which is to stay in contact as much as possible; at least it means the expensive interventionist and therapist she paid for wasn't taking her for a ride. On the other, children can be abusive towards parents, and there are many days I wish she had just severed ties and grieved him, because now it never ends -- it's just a cycle of grief and hope and abuse and grief.

And then too I'm wary of an article that's so wholly focused on the suffering of a rejected parent; we've only just come out of the dark ages where only Bad Children didn't love and obey their parents, even if those parents were abusive or neglectful. Yes, there are loving parents who have been rejected by their children, but I know way more children who were rejected by their whole families for speaking out about being abused, and a lot of those children were accused of being "irrationally" angry or manipulative liars.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I sort of made an effort not to respond to the piece myself, because my parents did some incredibly outrageous things in the name of being loving parents that they are never, ever going to get were really wrong and hurt me. On the other hand, they accept that I had a problem with those things, even if they don't get it, and at the present time seem unlikely to ever do such things again. But if I get into it, here or with them, I have to deal with the justifications or a lot of very ancient history at this point, and it's all a bit horrid.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I've had a bit of that too -- certainly my mum wasn't perfect, and both me and Bernard have struggled with that. But you're right, there does come a point where you just say, okay, I know you don't get this, but I also know your lack of getting-this isn't going to affect our future relationship, so let's just move forward.

I think a major portion of Bernard's issue with mum is his inability to reach that point -- he can't really imagine that anyone who hurts him isn't malevolently doing it just because they enjoy hurting him. And he has a very broad definition of what "hurting him" entails.

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

If I, a total stranger, may pipe up, I'd like to say that it took me a long time to realize that my mother (especially) and a few other authority figures hurt me not because they were stronger than I and enjoyed being cruel, but because they were weak, scared, and confused (with perhaps an occasional moment of malice thrown in). Helping to raise a stepchild, in concert with her parents and grandparents and later another step-parent, helped me a lot with that.

It took me a long time, and the distance of my mother's death (over twenty years ago now). And I'd say my issues were fairly garden-variety.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I get that -- but Bernard doesn't, and when he doesn't get something, he doesn't get it hard. :D

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

:D

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

I had a similar revelation, but more a case of "I'm not bad at communicating, it is just that my Dad is as stubborn as all hell" sort of thing. I swear, my hair could be on fire, and I could say. "My hair is on fire!" but if he happens to be totally wed to the idea that my hair could not be on fire, he'd argue with me.

For me, finally getting successes in the different path (from his suggestions that were actually requests) that I not only wanted but needed (for my mental and physical health) has made things a bit more copacetic with me and Dad at this point.

estranged

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That article makes me so irate, because it is going to play right into how my mother feels. I'm so sad, I don't know why my daughter won't talk to me, it's so cruel... Things don't occur in a void. All those comments about being suddenly surprised by an angry outburst or sudden break sound like bullshit to me.

I have debated telling my mother in exacting, excruciating detail why I don't talk to her - but what good would it do? She will never acknowledge the truth or make any attempt to stop doing what she does.

[roy-batty.livejournal.com]

. . . "open source" as a code word for all sorts of things including misogyny . . .

I'll be really interested to hear/read your unpacking of this at some point. The historical/structural misogyny of the O.T.O. (among other orders) I'm familiar with. The Open Source Golden Dawn though, I'm only passingly familiar with; apart from the historical roots I'm not familiar with its potential or actual misogyny (much less any due to "open source").

[rm.livejournal.com]

There's a very strong sentiment that the open source software movement is deeply, deeply hostile to women because of a number of things that have happened at conferences. So anything using the "open source" phrase, not matter how legitimate an adjective, is, for me, suspect, especially because of the more obvious Thelema-related issues around sex and gender.

[roy-batty.livejournal.com]

Hunh. I didn't realize that about the "Open Source" movement, and am actually surprised. I seen that many parts of the tech sector still behave as 'boys clubs' (see it all the time, as that's the field I work in). Still . . . perhaps my viewpoint is skewed, as all the open source geek types I know live in that Venn Diagram overlap of geek/alternative* spirituality/alternative* sexuality (*using 'alternative' here as shorthand for a multiplicity of ways of falling outside the normative mainstream). So, perhaps what I've seen is itself outside the mainstream of the 'open source' world for exactly those reasons.

FWIW, I heard the head of the Open Source order of the Golden Dawn on a podcast a while back (Thorn Coyle/ yezida's "Elemental Castings"). I didn't get any sense of misogyny from him, and Thorn's tolerance for it likely approaches zero, but that said . . . how much are ya' gonna get in an hour's worth of podcast from someone on their best behavior?

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

There are two of Thorn's podcasts you might want to listen to: Episode #1 with Ellen Francik and episode #22 with Sam Webster. Both are OSOGD people, and Webster is the founder.

They seem to have gotten beyond or around a lot of the GD/Thelemic sex'n'gender issues, at least from what I've read on their site.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

Here's a link to an excellent discussion of misogyny in the open source software community.

[00goddess.livejournal.com]

I am (finally) estranged from my mother and I can say first hand that, like the parents interviewed here, she insists that she was a good parent who did right by me. The truth is that she is abusive and mentally ill. She has revised my childhood entirely.

She has yet to take responsibility for her actions or ever apologize, nor to admit that she even did anything wrong. I would like to see an interview with the children of these parents- the story may not be as clear as it seems.