sundries

[rm]

While I didn't work on the Bristol paper last night, I did get one third of the way through my Buffy/Angel essay. And it is tight and funny so far. But man, I've got a lot going on in there including Joyce's death, Wesley's masculinity, the terror that I'm Spike and the spectre of my own misogyny. Really, it's funnier than it sounds.

A lesbian actress and activist fighting deportation from England to Iran still needs your help.

Legal wrangling over the National Day of Prayer.

An article on the plight of parents estranged from their children. Perhaps the only thing that's fair for me to say about this article is to echo the observation that a lot of things parents do that seem like love to them, don't seem that way to the child.

Last night bodlon linked me to The Open Source Order of the Golden Dawn, which, to be frank, I haven't checked out yet and many more of you may have specific opinions on. But at some point I have a lot to say about Mystery, elitism, "open source" as a code word for all sorts of things including misogyny, and, maybe, the OTO. That day is not today. That day probably isn't even this month.

The demise of New York Military Academy. The 400 military prep schools that once existed in the US now number merely 25. I remember ads for these things in the back of The New York Times Magazine section, near where the ads where for my arts summer camp, and I always worried a little bit that my parents would eventually decide I was awful enough to send me to one, but sometimes, I remember, I also wished they would.

The moral life of babies.

Are you a woman in the workplace? Here, have some some stuff about why you can't win. via ginmar.

Polling station rules in the UK. via beccaelizabeth.

Comments

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

The article about parental estrangement stirred up a lot of thoughts in me, most of which I don't think I can vocalise. On the one hand it's good to see that it gives the same advice my mother had about my brother, which is to stay in contact as much as possible; at least it means the expensive interventionist and therapist she paid for wasn't taking her for a ride. On the other, children can be abusive towards parents, and there are many days I wish she had just severed ties and grieved him, because now it never ends -- it's just a cycle of grief and hope and abuse and grief.

And then too I'm wary of an article that's so wholly focused on the suffering of a rejected parent; we've only just come out of the dark ages where only Bad Children didn't love and obey their parents, even if those parents were abusive or neglectful. Yes, there are loving parents who have been rejected by their children, but I know way more children who were rejected by their whole families for speaking out about being abused, and a lot of those children were accused of being "irrationally" angry or manipulative liars.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I sort of made an effort not to respond to the piece myself, because my parents did some incredibly outrageous things in the name of being loving parents that they are never, ever going to get were really wrong and hurt me. On the other hand, they accept that I had a problem with those things, even if they don't get it, and at the present time seem unlikely to ever do such things again. But if I get into it, here or with them, I have to deal with the justifications or a lot of very ancient history at this point, and it's all a bit horrid.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I've had a bit of that too -- certainly my mum wasn't perfect, and both me and Bernard have struggled with that. But you're right, there does come a point where you just say, okay, I know you don't get this, but I also know your lack of getting-this isn't going to affect our future relationship, so let's just move forward.

I think a major portion of Bernard's issue with mum is his inability to reach that point -- he can't really imagine that anyone who hurts him isn't malevolently doing it just because they enjoy hurting him. And he has a very broad definition of what "hurting him" entails.

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

If I, a total stranger, may pipe up, I'd like to say that it took me a long time to realize that my mother (especially) and a few other authority figures hurt me not because they were stronger than I and enjoyed being cruel, but because they were weak, scared, and confused (with perhaps an occasional moment of malice thrown in). Helping to raise a stepchild, in concert with her parents and grandparents and later another step-parent, helped me a lot with that.

It took me a long time, and the distance of my mother's death (over twenty years ago now). And I'd say my issues were fairly garden-variety.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I get that -- but Bernard doesn't, and when he doesn't get something, he doesn't get it hard. :D

[mamadar.livejournal.com]

:D

[malle-babbe.livejournal.com]

I had a similar revelation, but more a case of "I'm not bad at communicating, it is just that my Dad is as stubborn as all hell" sort of thing. I swear, my hair could be on fire, and I could say. "My hair is on fire!" but if he happens to be totally wed to the idea that my hair could not be on fire, he'd argue with me.

For me, finally getting successes in the different path (from his suggestions that were actually requests) that I not only wanted but needed (for my mental and physical health) has made things a bit more copacetic with me and Dad at this point.