![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sundries
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif){kind=small}
writerinadrawer voting opens later today.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
stakebait in which Oz and Ethan Rayne hook-up... at Burning Man.writerinadrawer voting opens later today.stakebait in which Oz and Ethan Rayne hook-up... at Burning Man.![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I do not understand this whole not having best friends thing. I'm very picky about who I want to spend time with and yeah, I do get jealous and am possessive of my friends but fuck, I need my sanity too!
(deleted comment)
FWIW: some of us are backlashing against it and trying to be sane about raising our kids.
N.
N.
I love your sundries, because you see the same news stories I do and post links where we can discuss! :D
That best friends story...
It seems like another way to protect kids from the inevitable hurt that occurs when best friends "break up", or hurt one another or one outgrows the other. But it's a valuable lesson about navigating relationship dynamics and loyalty.
Agree with the psychologist who says that you can't shelter kids from "normal social pain" -- not the same thing as being bullied or treated poorly by a clique, but it's natural for many people to have a bestie. Sometimes it'll end in tears, just like romantic relationships do when you grow up.
But it's really good to know someone's got your back.
That best friends story...
It seems like another way to protect kids from the inevitable hurt that occurs when best friends "break up", or hurt one another or one outgrows the other. But it's a valuable lesson about navigating relationship dynamics and loyalty.
Agree with the psychologist who says that you can't shelter kids from "normal social pain" -- not the same thing as being bullied or treated poorly by a clique, but it's natural for many people to have a bestie. Sometimes it'll end in tears, just like romantic relationships do when you grow up.
But it's really good to know someone's got your back.
I can't help but think this is another way for a certain stripe of today's super-clingy parents to keep their child theirs for longer.
TOTALLY.
And also the medicalization of being female. I was out to lunch with two women I was pregnant with. They both told me how "brave" I was for having a homebirth. I told them they were brave to go to the hospital. Both of them ended up with C-sections.
N.
TOTALLY.
And also the medicalization of being female. I was out to lunch with two women I was pregnant with. They both told me how "brave" I was for having a homebirth. I told them they were brave to go to the hospital. Both of them ended up with C-sections.
N.
OMG is that a knitted uterus in your icon? Too Fucking Awesome.
I've become ideological, but initially, when I was choosing to have an intervention-free birth, it was entirely because what I read convinced me that it was safer and more likely to be successful (i.e. end up without a drugged baby, a major gut wound, and a failed breastfeeding relationship) than with a medicalized birth.
I've become ideological, but initially, when I was choosing to have an intervention-free birth, it was entirely because what I read convinced me that it was safer and more likely to be successful (i.e. end up without a drugged baby, a major gut wound, and a failed breastfeeding relationship) than with a medicalized birth.
RE: Medical center location....
I feel like an idiot now. I never realized they had a center in NYC, I thought it was all in Ithaca.
I feel like an idiot now. I never realized they had a center in NYC, I thought it was all in Ithaca.
You and like 30 other people, but I grew up right next to it. Which is why I finally made the note. It's the Weill Cornell Medical Center and Weill Cornell Medical College.
Edited 2010-06-18 14:22 (UTC)
I'm so glad that you linked to that NY Times article on best friends. I would have been utterly lost without intense one-on-one relationships as a child; as it was, I was pretty isolated and out of step with my peer group. This appalling trend will hurt kids more than it helps. Ugh.
I just want to say that is an awesome icon.
I have to say, I read the NY Times but as a parent I never pay attention to any of the parenting stuff, because it all takes a minuscule portion of white upper-class families and extends whatever weird trend they do to the entire country.
I finished Stealers of Dreams and Only Human. I'm still holding off on reading The Deviant Strain because I have a strong premonition it's going to suck.
I finished Stealers of Dreams and Only Human. I'm still holding off on reading The Deviant Strain because I have a strong premonition it's going to suck.
We watched another episode of Buffy last night. James Marsters is a great actor because making that speech that ends with him on the cross any type of interesting and moving as opposed to just chaotic and weird took a LOT of effort. Of course, since he's known as the hot guy with the great abs from the trashy genre show, we're never going to get lots of changes to see him really act, and that's a damn shame.
Marsters draped over the cross is even more interesting when you know that he is the son of a minister.
Marsters' first and second TV gigs were on the great show "Northern Exposure". In the first he played a bell hop, but in the second, he had a much meatier roll as an Episcopal minister. ("Grosse Pointe 48230", 4th season) Here are some pics http://www.ebay.com/ He had a couple of really great scenes with Rob Morrow.
I think your link is wrong, unless the pictures actually are on the ebay.com homepage. (I suppose that's one way to drum up business...)
I can't help but notice that the 'best friends' article had a link at the bottom to one on teasing. Observe the text below. Though it is true the article is two years old and that it starts off more benignly. I also notice that in one of the large examples they used for happy children without a best friend, the happy children were twins! Twins already have a best friend, not universally, but often. I also notice that the girls in the picture's advertisement were so alike as to be almost indistinguishable (one had slightly redder hair.) Doesn't that suggest group exclusion and marginalisation? It is not necessarily so, again, of course but it is an impression that gives lie to the whole idea of inclusiveness. I am glad I am not growing up today without freedom or adventure. Why is the culture of playing outside until the street-lights come on ended? Because people are irrationally paranoid, and soon there will not be parents who remember anything else from their own protected childhoods. Statistics have not changed. It was not safer then, and the protections do not protect; they are to ease paranoia, as are the searches at airports. Now they are protecting children from having best friends, the only thing that made childhood even remotely tolerable. I remember being separated from my best friend at eleven. She was put in another school to separate us, and the violence and hate I faced was much worse after that happened. It was not better. How could it have been better, without support or company? Not one single person helped me, yet they tried to harm me in this way. (My uncle tried to help, but he was 4000 miles away.)
From the article supporting teasing (which they state is different than bullying):
Hierarchies have many benefits — the smooth division of labor and resources, protecting weaker members of the group — but they can be deadly to negotiate. Male fig wasps chop their rivals in half with their large mandibles. Narwhal males loll about with tusk tips embedded in their jaws — vestiges of their status contests. Coyotes engage in heavily coded bouts of play; those who don’t live shorter, ostracized lives.
Given the perils of negotiating rank, many species have evolved dramatized status contests, relying on symbolic displays of physical size and force to peacefully sort out who’s on top. Stags roar. Frogs croak. Chimps throw branches around. Hippos open their jaws as wide as possible to impress competitors.
And humans tease. Teasing can be thought of as a status contest with a twist. As humans evolved the ability to form complex alliances, the power of a single individual came increasingly to depend on the ability to build strong bonds. Power became a matter of social intelligence (the good of the group) rather than of survival of the fittest (raw strength). As a status contest, teasing must walk a fine line, designating status while enhancing social connection.
From the article supporting teasing (which they state is different than bullying):
Hierarchies have many benefits — the smooth division of labor and resources, protecting weaker members of the group — but they can be deadly to negotiate. Male fig wasps chop their rivals in half with their large mandibles. Narwhal males loll about with tusk tips embedded in their jaws — vestiges of their status contests. Coyotes engage in heavily coded bouts of play; those who don’t live shorter, ostracized lives.
Given the perils of negotiating rank, many species have evolved dramatized status contests, relying on symbolic displays of physical size and force to peacefully sort out who’s on top. Stags roar. Frogs croak. Chimps throw branches around. Hippos open their jaws as wide as possible to impress competitors.
And humans tease. Teasing can be thought of as a status contest with a twist. As humans evolved the ability to form complex alliances, the power of a single individual came increasingly to depend on the ability to build strong bonds. Power became a matter of social intelligence (the good of the group) rather than of survival of the fittest (raw strength). As a status contest, teasing must walk a fine line, designating status while enhancing social connection.
In the realm of Doctor Who tie-in novels, I am currently reading The Stealers of Dreams about a world where lying and fiction is illegal. It's actually freaking me out a little.
There is a fantastic sci-fi book called "City of Truth" by James Morrow that deals with a society where people are "programmed" to be incapable of lying, and fiction, art and makeup are considered lies.
City of Truth is great. I mentioned this before here, but Stealers of Dreams seemed like it was following City of Truth very closely in the beginning, then departed about halfway through.
Between that article and another I recall in the NY Times a few years ago about playgrounds in NYC hiring "play facilitators," I mourn for children today.
Why can't they just get to be, you know, kids? Rather than lifestyle accessories for their parents.
Why can't they just get to be, you know, kids? Rather than lifestyle accessories for their parents.
WTF?????? I thought this must be a joke!
The end of "Beneath You" was the last time I loved Spike. *sniffle*
The best friends article is so absurd. I would have gone (more) insane in high school without my best friend. That adults are trying to break up childrens' close friendships is pretty tragic, actually--the teenage years are hard enough without adults trying to destroy the few things that bring you a bit of happiness. :(
The best friends article is so absurd. I would have gone (more) insane in high school without my best friend. That adults are trying to break up childrens' close friendships is pretty tragic, actually--the teenage years are hard enough without adults trying to destroy the few things that bring you a bit of happiness. :(
I came into Buffy fairly late and had heard enough about that episode before I'd gotten to it to assume the worst. My actual reaction to it was pretty much the same as yours and is what cemented my admiration for Marsters.
There's something about him that makes me forget that he's a genuinely good actor if I go too long without seeing him actually act. I feel inclined to be snarky about him despite my respect and love.
There's something about him that makes me forget that he's a genuinely good actor if I go too long without seeing him actually act. I feel inclined to be snarky about him despite my respect and love.
What is that episode's reception in fandom generally?
Headaches - try a massage. You probably have inflamed muscle tissue that pressing on a nerve. And if you can, take something like Advil which is an anti-inflamatory rather than aspirin or tylenol. Hope you feel better. Sinus shit has been bad this week in Chicago - I feel your pain.
I wonder how many of the parents and "counselors" and teachers that are anti-best-friend were popular in school, versus being geeks/nerds.
How can they think it's a matter of possessiveness? It's a matter of security and knowing there's always one person who speaks your language, at a time when your parents seem like TOTAL ALIENS.
How can they think it's a matter of possessiveness? It's a matter of security and knowing there's always one person who speaks your language, at a time when your parents seem like TOTAL ALIENS.
The end of Beneath You with the Buffy and Spike scene in the church is one of my favorites in the whole freaking series because his acting is so amazing! Spike is so broken! I just want to scoop him up and take him home and feed him warm blood until he's better. Plus, it's just a visually beautiful scene with the deep shadows and pale blue moonlight. It's haunting. And yeah, James doesn't get near the good roles he deserves.
I stopped reading parenting info a long freaking time ago because too much of it sounded bogus. Stop you kids from having best buds? WTF? Your best buds are the only thing that get you through middle school without killing someone or yourself. Who else do you bitch to about how awful your family is? Your therapist?
My job as a parent is to help my kid become a decent person. One who will do her best to get a job, pay her taxes, be reasonably law abiding, vote, be a good friend, and eat her vegetables. (It's all about the vegetables.) It's not to protect them from life's bumps. It's to give her a safe space to process life's bumps so that when we're gone or too far away she can cope on her own with the help of her buds.
I stopped reading parenting info a long freaking time ago because too much of it sounded bogus. Stop you kids from having best buds? WTF? Your best buds are the only thing that get you through middle school without killing someone or yourself. Who else do you bitch to about how awful your family is? Your therapist?
My job as a parent is to help my kid become a decent person. One who will do her best to get a job, pay her taxes, be reasonably law abiding, vote, be a good friend, and eat her vegetables. (It's all about the vegetables.) It's not to protect them from life's bumps. It's to give her a safe space to process life's bumps so that when we're gone or too far away she can cope on her own with the help of her buds.
Your parenting approach sounds a lot like my own, even if I get in my own way sometimes. :) <3
That article about best friends made my chest hurt. The logic of limiting that type of close relationship for children and young people is disturbed, manipulative and controlling! Both of my kids had a best friend. (In fact, my daughter had two concurrently! She and I went around and around on the semantics of her use of that expression for years--with me saying they can only be one "best" and her defining it by the nature of the particular relationships. I think she was actually right.) Neither my daughter's nor my son's best friends would have been my perfect choice for them. But, hey, it wasn't about me, was it? They gave them safe havens and unconditional affection during those traumatic growing up years. It taught them things about relationships: intimacy, commitment, negotiation, disappointment, and trust. I think they are better and happier people for the experience. My two sisters and I--with an age range of only fours years--did not have best friends. I guess we had them at home. I do think the non-family best friend, however close siblings may be, does teach one different lessons and I regret I never had one, although I did get most of those needs met by my sisters.
That's interesting about the age range of you and your sisters, my sister and I are almost 4 years apart and definitely weren't each other's best friends growing up. We were rarely at the same school at the same time so there wasn't much social overlap in that sense.
I think it's possible to have multiple best friends, I have one from college and one from high school and while I connect with them in different ways, I love them both deeply. I had a small group of close friends throughout school, though the members of that group changed considerably between ages 8 and 18. The group in middle school was a few of us banding together out of necessity, but probably helped keep me sane.
I think it's possible to have multiple best friends, I have one from college and one from high school and while I connect with them in different ways, I love them both deeply. I had a small group of close friends throughout school, though the members of that group changed considerably between ages 8 and 18. The group in middle school was a few of us banding together out of necessity, but probably helped keep me sane.
My childhood BF is still my BF now. Obviously we're both crazy-possessive.
Re the refrigerator thing ... It is also funny to note that some brands use the number scale ( 1 to 9 ) with 1 being coldest and others with 9 being coldest ... .or letters ( A to E ) with the same situation. I accidentally defrosted a freezer that way once. Still, it beats hauling blocks of ice up the stairs once a week :)
thank you SO much for linking to that buffy fic. amazing, pure amazing.
also, the stealers of dreams gave me some really messed up nightmares, but i still think it's a good read. which may say something about my taste in literature, but whatevs.
and finally, i think i would die if i didn't have my bestfriend. from a mix of boredom and acute loniless. and lack of fun.
bestfriends = middle school life line.
usa must want its middleschoolers dead...
also, the stealers of dreams gave me some really messed up nightmares, but i still think it's a good read. which may say something about my taste in literature, but whatevs.
and finally, i think i would die if i didn't have my bestfriend. from a mix of boredom and acute loniless. and lack of fun.
bestfriends = middle school life line.
usa must want its middleschoolers dead...
I don't think adults should try to split up kids who are best friends. But I'm also glad to see them acknowledge that not every kid needs to have one. I went through heck (not quite hell but still very annoying) because my parents generally wanted me to do activities with a companion, and not only was I sufficiently unpopular that other kids didn't really want to tag along, I was also far more interested in doing stuff by myself. In short, I got a lot of pressure to cultivate a best friend, and my attempts to do so always felt fake to me.
Meanwhile, the doctors vs. midwives thing here is ongoing, and let's be clear, about misogyny and the medicalization of femaleness.
Ooooh, allow me to comment on this one from both a patient and a female physician perspective (sorry to hijack your LJ, but this may take a while.)
My personal perspective as someone who sought care from a certified nurse midwife (CMN) during both of my two pregnancies. So a little compare and contrast from anecdotal experience as both a patient and medical provider. Going on the record to point out that these opinions are strictly mind and may or may not be endorsed by any medical academy (including the one I belong to.)
Let me preface that I am talking about CNM's here--master's trained nurses who practice out of medical clinics, birthing centers and hospitals. Not to be confused with Lay Midwives that may have little medical training. My midwife rocked.
Midwives view pregnancy as a normal process for a female.
Obstetricians are first and foremost surgeons and tend to view pregnancy as a disease process, assume crash positions and anticipate the worst.
Midwives have a lower c-section rate as well as a signficiantly (as in nearly ZERO) rate of episiotomies (taking a scissors and cutting the woman's perineum to widen the vaginal opening.)
A lot of obstetricians will jump to episotomy, not because there is trouble with the fetus or mother, but merely to speed up the delivery process.
Nurse midwifes are definitely more holistic when it comes to prenatal care and will frequent use diet as a way to control things such as constipation, for example recommending 3 prunes a day to help or suggestion something like lemon water or ginger for morning sickness.
With an obstetrician you are more likely to have pharmacotherapy for these normal conditions of pregnancy. That said, with an OB you are more likely to have an IV placed during labor and be given medications (oxytocin, etc) to speed up contractions.)
Midwives really provide a patient-centric delivery with open options for positioning during delivery such as hands/knees, squatting, laying on one's side, birthing chair, water delivery (which I did!)
While some obstetricians are open to some of these techniques, chances are you are going to be in the classic lithotomy position (feet in stirrups with the doc standing between your knees like a catcher) when the time comes to push.
Like I said, Obstetricians are surgeons by training. If your one diagnostic tool is a blade, there is a good chance you are going to be on the receiving end of it at some point. I know that is a bit of a jaded view. A good middle of the road for those who want the MD tacked behind the name is a Family Physician who has an OB practice. They tend to practice somewhere in between. How a medical provider treats the prenatal process really steered me toward a CMN for my care. As a student I had trained under obstetricians, CMNs and family physicians. I wanted someone who didn't view the process as pathology but rather a normal life process.
Yes, there are fabulous Obstetricians out there. And for every fabulous midwife, I am sure there are crappy ones as well.
I love the concept of Midwife (with woman) for not just obsterical care. I continue to see my midwife for routine care, and a lot of people don't realize they do well woman care as well such as yearly exams.
Ooooh, allow me to comment on this one from both a patient and a female physician perspective (sorry to hijack your LJ, but this may take a while.)
My personal perspective as someone who sought care from a certified nurse midwife (CMN) during both of my two pregnancies. So a little compare and contrast from anecdotal experience as both a patient and medical provider. Going on the record to point out that these opinions are strictly mind and may or may not be endorsed by any medical academy (including the one I belong to.)
Let me preface that I am talking about CNM's here--master's trained nurses who practice out of medical clinics, birthing centers and hospitals. Not to be confused with Lay Midwives that may have little medical training. My midwife rocked.
Midwives view pregnancy as a normal process for a female.
Obstetricians are first and foremost surgeons and tend to view pregnancy as a disease process, assume crash positions and anticipate the worst.
Midwives have a lower c-section rate as well as a signficiantly (as in nearly ZERO) rate of episiotomies (taking a scissors and cutting the woman's perineum to widen the vaginal opening.)
A lot of obstetricians will jump to episotomy, not because there is trouble with the fetus or mother, but merely to speed up the delivery process.
Nurse midwifes are definitely more holistic when it comes to prenatal care and will frequent use diet as a way to control things such as constipation, for example recommending 3 prunes a day to help or suggestion something like lemon water or ginger for morning sickness.
With an obstetrician you are more likely to have pharmacotherapy for these normal conditions of pregnancy. That said, with an OB you are more likely to have an IV placed during labor and be given medications (oxytocin, etc) to speed up contractions.)
Midwives really provide a patient-centric delivery with open options for positioning during delivery such as hands/knees, squatting, laying on one's side, birthing chair, water delivery (which I did!)
While some obstetricians are open to some of these techniques, chances are you are going to be in the classic lithotomy position (feet in stirrups with the doc standing between your knees like a catcher) when the time comes to push.
Like I said, Obstetricians are surgeons by training. If your one diagnostic tool is a blade, there is a good chance you are going to be on the receiving end of it at some point. I know that is a bit of a jaded view. A good middle of the road for those who want the MD tacked behind the name is a Family Physician who has an OB practice. They tend to practice somewhere in between. How a medical provider treats the prenatal process really steered me toward a CMN for my care. As a student I had trained under obstetricians, CMNs and family physicians. I wanted someone who didn't view the process as pathology but rather a normal life process.
Yes, there are fabulous Obstetricians out there. And for every fabulous midwife, I am sure there are crappy ones as well.
I love the concept of Midwife (with woman) for not just obsterical care. I continue to see my midwife for routine care, and a lot of people don't realize they do well woman care as well such as yearly exams.
Apparently, people have decided it's bad for children to have best friends now.
Pretty much every article I read about modern child-rearing horrifies me. I hate to think what my life would have been like if I was growing up in this deeply messed up culture.
Pretty much every article I read about modern child-rearing horrifies me. I hate to think what my life would have been like if I was growing up in this deeply messed up culture.
Page 1 of 2