PSA: Queer

[rm]

(This is an outgrowth of a comment thread I'm having with someone in their journal. If that someone is you, no worries, we're cool).

Queer (as an adjective, we will not be using the noun here) is not inherently synonymous with gay and lesbian or LGBT.¹

Many LGBT people do not like or choose to use queer and/or feel it to represent something additional or instead of gay and lesbian or LGBT.

Because queer was originally a slur and not all LGBT people like to use it,² it's generally best that straight people don't use the word unless talking about people and groups that self-identify as queer.

Queer can be considered a non-assimilationist word. Some LGBT people who are not interested in getting equal rights by proving we're just like straight people prefer the term. (This is like when I rant about how "I'm queer and you can tell and I like it that way.")

Some non-trans people who are gender non-conforming use the term or variations there of (i.e., genderqueer).

Some trans people who are additionally not straight use the term as a shorthand way of encompassing multiple identities.

Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy.

Some people prefer queer because it removes the separation between men and women in the LGBT community, breaks down barriers between bisexual and other orientation identities, and can be more inclusive of the T part of the LGBT (which often gets pushed aside, because oppressed groups can be crappy to each other too).

Others like it because it's only one syllable.

Additionally queer is sometimes used to encompass kink, polyamorous and other non-traditional relationship styles in a way that may or may not be related to LGBT individuals depending on the community.³

As usual, I don't speak for all LGBT or queer people, just myself and my experience of our communities. If you have questions or more to add, consider the comments a free for all. I'm particularly interested in other people's sense and connotations for the word as ongoing discussion in the original thread is revealing that they are highly varied.

---

¹ A commenter reminds me that LGBT is just not enough these days, nor is LGBTQ, which you'll also often see. The full acronym these days often includes not just LGBT, but Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and more.
² It's also just been brought to my attention that age may be a factor in how one reacts to queer so this PSA might seem more or less peculiar to you depending on your age.
³ Please see comments for additional discussion of this as there is disagreement on this one. It is problematic for many, and I tend to agree, although the arguments for its inclusion in queer also make a lot of sense.

ETA: Please read the comments. This is such an awesome display of diverse identities, respectful discussion about fraught issues and random people making friends I can't quite get over it. I am loving the LJ today.

Comments

[delchi.livejournal.com]

Wow ... I've been trying for YEARS to find a way to describe why poly squicks me ( not that I am against it, it's just not my bag ) and I think you just nailed it.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I've been the target of the particular type of bad poly behavior being described here, but lets keep in mind that's not poly, that's poly people behaving badly.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. As I said I'm not against it. Did I ever tell you the story about the poly house I lived in where things fell apart so badly that guns became involved?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha, no. Sounds like an old job of mine though.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

I worked on a magazine like that once.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about that- I try to bear in mind it isn't all, and that my experiences are not the center of the universe. ;) (Darnit.)

[5251962.livejournal.com]

I may sound angry and bitter, but it really fucking sucks when you find someone you can really relate to, and who does it for you- only to have them introduce you to a significant other you're just supposed to also want. I mean, personally, I like group sex, but I hate feeling like I'm supposed to be somehow compelled to whatever whoever. I have had this happen with both women and men and at this point, I'm pretty jaded on the poly thing, myself. (Due to poly behaving badly, not poly as a lifestyle.)*

*Apologies.

[rm.livejournal.com]

This is another example of poly people behaving badly (or at least not communicating well). Lots of poly people have multiple paired relationships and non-group relationships. There are many different styles of poly and may different levels of competence at them. Getting hit with the crap though, sucks.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

I've got a few really awesome friends who I tout highly as "poly: you're doing it well". :) Thankfully. For now, given everything else I am on hiatus, as is my partner, but sometimes I get a little prickly, my last experience being poly done badly. I try to bear in mind the good, not the bad, but sometimes I slip, I apologize.

[rm.livejournal.com]

No worries. I just find the whole "complaining about bad poly experiences" threads easily morph into "poly people suck" threads and then people are sad.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

Nah, I don't think all poly people suck. I think I kinda suck for not having it figured out when I attempted it, but you know, live and learn.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

So not what I was intending. I thought it was clear when I said that I had nothing against poly/poly people, just that it wasn't my thing.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, you're good. You're all good. But if I step in now, there's not some pile-on that's not good when I go to lunch later.

Hell, I think we could have a HILARIOUS thread about Poly Gone Wrong experiences that lots of Poly people would participate in, but that's some other Friday.

[redbird]

That expectation is definitely poly done badly. If someone is involved with a partner of mine, we'll probably have something in common: but it's likely to be at the level of "I can email you to ask if you know what flowers she likes" or "you might want to tell him about this article."

Yes, I've had it click that way, once, but it's not an expectation, and I would probably not get involved with/break up with someone who did expect it.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Really, all that two people who choose to be involved with the same person OWE each other is civility. It's not unlike the situation with a partners ex, or an ex's partner. Except it's simultaneous.
If you are specifically looking for someone for both(or all) of you, then you need to mention that part RIGHT AWAY!

[tibicina.livejournal.com]

*blinks* Okay, being in a relationship with me does not entitle or obligate someone to also be in a relationship with anyone else I'm dating. It can be nice when that happens, and I'd like it if all the people I'm dating can get along. I do kind of insist that they're at least civil to each other, but... dating is not transitive.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

I agree with you entirely- I like it when everyone is at least friends. I also mentioned that this has been a bad experience I have had, and definitely not the sum total of the poly population.