PSA: Queer

[rm]

(This is an outgrowth of a comment thread I'm having with someone in their journal. If that someone is you, no worries, we're cool).

Queer (as an adjective, we will not be using the noun here) is not inherently synonymous with gay and lesbian or LGBT.¹

Many LGBT people do not like or choose to use queer and/or feel it to represent something additional or instead of gay and lesbian or LGBT.

Because queer was originally a slur and not all LGBT people like to use it,² it's generally best that straight people don't use the word unless talking about people and groups that self-identify as queer.

Queer can be considered a non-assimilationist word. Some LGBT people who are not interested in getting equal rights by proving we're just like straight people prefer the term. (This is like when I rant about how "I'm queer and you can tell and I like it that way.")

Some non-trans people who are gender non-conforming use the term or variations there of (i.e., genderqueer).

Some trans people who are additionally not straight use the term as a shorthand way of encompassing multiple identities.

Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy.

Some people prefer queer because it removes the separation between men and women in the LGBT community, breaks down barriers between bisexual and other orientation identities, and can be more inclusive of the T part of the LGBT (which often gets pushed aside, because oppressed groups can be crappy to each other too).

Others like it because it's only one syllable.

Additionally queer is sometimes used to encompass kink, polyamorous and other non-traditional relationship styles in a way that may or may not be related to LGBT individuals depending on the community.³

As usual, I don't speak for all LGBT or queer people, just myself and my experience of our communities. If you have questions or more to add, consider the comments a free for all. I'm particularly interested in other people's sense and connotations for the word as ongoing discussion in the original thread is revealing that they are highly varied.

---

¹ A commenter reminds me that LGBT is just not enough these days, nor is LGBTQ, which you'll also often see. The full acronym these days often includes not just LGBT, but Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and more.
² It's also just been brought to my attention that age may be a factor in how one reacts to queer so this PSA might seem more or less peculiar to you depending on your age.
³ Please see comments for additional discussion of this as there is disagreement on this one. It is problematic for many, and I tend to agree, although the arguments for its inclusion in queer also make a lot of sense.

ETA: Please read the comments. This is such an awesome display of diverse identities, respectful discussion about fraught issues and random people making friends I can't quite get over it. I am loving the LJ today.

Comments

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. As a cisgendered heterosexual woman, I have often wondered about the difference (and when it stopped being a derogative thrown by idiots) but you know, sometimes there are questions you can't ask. I still feel awkward around the word because it was the derogative of choice for LGBT people when I was growing up; I don't think the tone of it is ever going to relax for me.

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

It's still used as derogatory by some idiots as you say, but so are other words that have been reclaimed, such as "dyke" or "faggot". We wear these derogatory words with pride as a way of removing their sting.

"Queer!"
"Yup, so?"

[liminalia.livejournal.com]

As a bisexual or pansexual woman who IDs as queer, I am uncomfortable with otherwise-heterosexual people in the kink and poly communities appropriating the word queer to describe being poly or kinky. (And fwiw, I am both poly and kinky.) While being poly and/or kinky have their own challenges in society, they are just not the same as those faced by people in the LGBT spectrum, and I feel we need different words for these different things. Additionally, I must note that I haven't actually met any otherwise-straight people in my own area who use the word queer to describe being poly or kinky.

I ID as queer because:
I am unapologetically non-assimilationist, although I do support full marriage rights.
I do not support the binary view of gender and have had a partner who did not fit neatly in either the M or F box.
IDing as queer in LGBT spaces occasionally saves me from some of the suspicion and ostracism that IDing as bi gets one.
IDing as queer in straighter spaces makes it clear that my alliance is with the LGBT community and I'm not saying I'm bi to titillate guys but otherwise living my life as a straight girl does.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this comment.

I, btw, pretty much totally agree with you on otherwise straight and poly people using queer but I have seen it more than once, so it is out there.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

age is totally a factor-- i came out in the early 90's, and my cohort and i (and it seems like a lot of people younger than me, too) are all over the word queer, whereas with people who came out before that, it's hit or miss.

my mom *hates* the word, and wishes i wouldn't use it to refer to myself, so i don't use it around her.

[rm.livejournal.com]

And you at least know why it bothers some people. I know many people who are 10 or 15 years younger than me who didn't know it was a slur or a reclaiming word.

[macadamanaity.livejournal.com]

This is a very excellent explanation. I used to, when I was a young and punchy Women's Studies major in college, always wish that everyone would get on board with the idea of queer as an umbrella term, as a unifier--but the more I work in LGBTTTTQIAetc circles, the more I see that it can't and shouldn't be.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Icon love!

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

Marion Zimmer Bradley's novel, The Catch Trap uses "queer" as the standard term by both gay and straight characters. When I first read it in the mid-1980s, the word stood out to me as sounding very old-fashioned and derogatory. By the 1990s it felt totally natural, and I barely registered it.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I've read that book, and at the time both of the book's setting and writing, queer was absolutely derogatory, and if I remember the book correctly is often used in a sense of self-hate/oppression in the text.

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

Pretty much word. I get tired of the alphabet soup and generally use it as an umbrella term for all sex/gender/desire alternative people – from kinksters to poly to LGBTQ. I do accept poly and kinky folks into the big house under the umbrella queer, though.

While different groups of people who's 'difference' centers around sex/gender/desire have different experiences and different ways the majority culture discriminates them, I do believe that this very broad category of people faces at least one thing in common (at least in the United States), which is a moralizing belief that it is a: other people's business who I fuck and how and b: who I fuck and how affects them personally, emotionally and deeply (and therefore they have the right to legislate/medicalize/baudlerize or brutalize in order to ensure their comfort and safety).

If you (general) fall into a group of people for whom this is true, then I feel that we face similar discrimination (as well as, likely, different ones).

Because I prefer being maximally inclusive and seeking commonalities among people, rather than using a razor to divide difference into finer and finer categories, I try and use language that reflects that. I don't think it's easy, and it's not terribly popular right now, but living through and watching various *isms and !fails suggest to me that the finer divisions of suffering are creating more suffering, not less.

Word also on the generation gap. It was an epithet when I was growing up and I've lived through the reclaiming process.

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I'm most definitely in the younger generation, and I wouldn't say that 'queer' has lost its derogatory/negative background. I grew up in a rich, upper middle class, liberal area, and I still got called queer (as if it were a bad thing) in school. Though 'fag' was definitely more prominent (and I still cringe when I hear it).

I call myself queer primarily because I don't like using 'bisexual', for the reasons you stated. But the reclaiming factor has always been there too.

While normally I say that I am queer to let people know that I'm not straight, I don't always mean that to be strictly about sexual orientation. To me, identifying as queer means also that I accept my non-conformity with 'traditional' gender roles. Namely, I speak my mind and don't change myself to appeal to men. In a way I wish that didn't have to be a part of my queer identity, but it definitely is.

Hope this makes sense. /rambley comment is rambley

[sevendayloan.livejournal.com]

It's interesting how different my experiences have been from yours! I'm of the younger generation and I was also raised in a rich, upper middle class, liberal area (the Silicon Valley), but I practically never heard the word 'queer' used outside out LGBTQOTHERLETTERS circles. I didn't realize it was a reclaimed word for a good while. Fag, though, now that one was everywhere and definitely derogatory. :/

[aviv-b.livejournal.com]

May I ask a related question? I'm older than most folks here, at a time when the term 'gay' was used to identify both men and women. Is it still OK to use gay as a term when referring to women,or should the term lesbian be used exclusively?

[rm.livejournal.com]

I personally prefer to use "gay woman" when I'm identifying myself as female and feel queer would be not useful in the situation, mainly because I don't like the idea that there is a gay community made up of men, and some lesbians over here on the side.

I'm sure there are hundred different answers to this question at least. Unless someone has a strong self-identification as one (and some absolutely will as lesbian), I don't think using gay as an adjective is a problem regardless of gender.

[yendi]

One more area in which it's used (and in which, therefore, I find myself sometimes confronted with the word as a part of my day job) is in academia.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Does queer studies identify people who do not self-identify as queer as queer in its texts or is it an umbrella term that then covers people with a range of identities that includes, but is not limited to, queer?

(I can't believe I don't know this).

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

I've always had a problem with knowing what terms were ok to use and when to apply them. I get really uncomfortable sometimes with the subject matter because I am so afraid I am going to use a term wrong or address something incorrectly and offend and anger someone.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

In my experience you will always offend and anger someone when talking in this realm, but at the same time someone will smile and thank you for using their idea of what is correct. It's the old you can't please all of the people all of the time argument. The way I sort around it is that the people who get angry and belligerent about it are shuffled out of the deck and the people who are reasonable and explain why they dislike the way I've used the word are the ones worth keeping around. I learned this method during my early exposure to TG/TS/TV people. Many of them were willing to take the time to explain the difference ( and some taught me the T* catch all ) , while others would just be instantly offended and go off on a rage.

[libgirl.livejournal.com]

I was in a literary theory course about, er, five years ago and a colleague was talking about being queer and Queer Studies. At the time, for me, it was like I had been slapped, and I was in my early twenties at the time. I'm not sure that I believe that the term queer has really lost the pejorative connotations, I think exposure and context are the real differentiating factors in whether or not you experience the word as one that carries baggage or not. At the time, I acknowledged my discomfort with the word, acknowledged that it was being used by one of the Family and as a claiming word and I moved on.

That's a bit ironic in retrospect because I've been out and involved to various degrees for a while now and queer is a word that I will use to identify myself. I used to give fairly frequent Q and A's on being part of the Community and I would describe queer as an umbrella term. For me, as someone who identifies with one of the more obscure letters in the acronym soup (Two-Spirit) queer gives me an ability to feel like I'm being honest with myself and others when I identify, but also allows me to avoid the extensive explaining and educating that Two Spirit requires, especially since Two Spirit is *also* an umbrella term. ;) I don't mind talking to people about who I am, my experience and how I identify, but sometimes you just want to be able to say, yes, I am also here, without having to be an expert. ;)

Also, I find that in the LGBT... community you are expected in many cases to identify yourself by both name and orientation basically the first time you meet someone--at least that was my college experience. I also find that problematic and struggle with identifying myself both spiritually and via my sexual orientation the first time I saw hello to someone. Queer gives me a chance to pass the initial hurdle and choose for myself (usually) when I want to get into the other stuff.

Having said all of that, only in settings where the vast majority of the assembled persons are somewhere on the LGBT... spectrum do I find that I use the word without the infinitesimal (internal) ! pause before it.

In terms of queer as a poly and/or kinky term. I haven't heard that.

[phaetonschariot.livejournal.com]

I'm the A, which is pretty obscure too, and I like queer because it's so much easier than "oh, I'm an aromantic asexual with homosexual aesthetic preferences and blurry gender lines". Even asexual is an umbrella term after all - there's people who don't have sex, people who have relationships without sex, people who have relationships and sex because their partner enjoys it, people who have relationships with others of the same sex with or without actually having sex, etc etc.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

Does the use of queer as an adjective meaning odd or unusual predate the use of the word as a slur?

I'm reminded of a book I read in grade school " Something queer is going on " ( http://www.amazon.com/Something-Queer-Going-Elizabeth-Levy/dp/0440479746 ) in which a girl plays the part of a detective. The class was split down the lines of taking queer to mean gay ( This is 1970's grade school ) and the teacher correcting us to understand that queer mean unusual or odd.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

The "odd" meaning dates to 1513.
The slur dates to 1894 and can be laid at the feet of Oscar Wilde.

From the OED:
"1894 MARQUESS OF QUEENSBERRY Let. 1 Nov. in R. Ellmann Oscar Wilde (1987) xvi. 402, I write to tell you that it is a judgement on the whole lot of you. Montgomerys, The Snob Queers like Roseberry & certainly Christian hypocrite Gladstone."

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

Can we just call it QUILTBAG? Covers all the letters, throws in a U for undecided or unclassifiable or "Up yours for expectations" and actually makes a word.

I use queer the same way I use dyke. (I'm confused and hesitant to say bisexual, since it's not just men and women that work for me, but those who blur the lines. And performing any gender feels like drag for me)

In other words, I can use it to self-describe, but straight people had better not try it. I would not use it outside of the Community, nor do I use it to refer to individuals.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

You know, you do that, then you could make pretty quilts instead of having flags. ;)

[semisonicstar.livejournal.com]

"Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy."

:) Indeed. Also it strikes me as a more generalized term than others, which is what I tend to prefer for myself, if I have to explain myself somehow. This is a really nice write up, and I am enjoying the comments as well... I may know what term I prefer, and why, but I've never really had a chance to hear how others felt about it. Thanks for sharing.

going off on a "pan" tangent...

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

"Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy"

Some people use pansexual for that reason too.

Unfortunately I've also seen pansexual used as a sort of anti-gay distancing device, to imply that the person is not just SO sexual that it spills over onto any and everything, which is implied to be better than being specifically attracted to members of the same sex.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

This is one of the many reasons I like having you on my friends list. To be honest, I really have never felt like I could talk about this aspect of my personality- I am not entirely certain I understand it fully.


I have trouble with the labeling, myself. On one hand, I am fairly anti-label- but on the other, I feel like there needs to be some distinction. It has been hard for me because honestly I don't identify as bisexual because I feel quite equally male/female. However, my appearance is generally feminine, so many people assume that I identify predominantly as female when I don't. If I were in fact, male, I know I would likely cross dress. I like dressing in feminine ways*, however, like I said, inwardly and as a matter of sexual preferences- I feel very much both male and female. Personally, this is why I refer to myself as genderqueer, though some have pointed out I am using the term incorrectly and the whole thing is pretty confusing to me as someone who has not fully explored these aspects of my sexual identity.


*I need to point out that I have, in fact, cross dressed quite a bit, but as a general preference prefer dresses, etc. I kind of wonder if this is because I don't feel entirely comfortable dressing as a male in terms of how others see me- for me, it feels just fine, but I worry a great deal.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

I also want to point out I loathe what bisexuality has become for much of the poly community. I joke around about the unicorn thing but it really bothers me that I would be seen as some couple's emotional and or sexual dildo- and that's what it does in a great deal of the poly community.

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

I have been queer as an id the last few years, because it's who/what I am, rather than who I'm sexual with. Bi implies, as others have pointed out, buying into gender dichotomy, and a lot of other baggage. I've used various words over the years to identify myself, none of them very accurate. I don't know if I'm butch, exactly, but I seldom wear skirts or dresses; they make me acutely uncomfortable. But I present as female because I am short and fat with a more or less hourglass figure. To me, queer covers a range of non-conforming sexual identities.

[sevendayloan.livejournal.com]

I id as bisexual rather than queer, but I couldn't put my finger on why. I considered switching terms to try to avoid some of the more unfortunate associations and stereotypes that come with bisexuality, but somehow it felt uncomfortable and ill-fitting. I don't if that means that I'm too binary, but it's a good example of how one label doesn't work for everyone. I'm not queer, I'm not pan, I'm not a lot of things. I am attracted to both men and women. And I think that that's okay.

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

I ID as bisexual as a preference too - though I use queer as a short hand in some situations, it's not a label I'm 100% at ease with. I don't necessarily feel IDing as bisexual is restrictive in terms of binaries (and I'm not even sure one can be too binary in their personal presentation/preference, that's sort of their own comfort zone). I find it best suits my mindset - and my preference is to have an ID that's in wide usage outside the queer community. I couldn't be bothered telling people I was pan or omni and having to always explain what that means (maybe that wouldn't happen, IDK, I've never tried, but I think it would - specially where I live). And, while sometimes I might not be so binary, that's not information I need to be giving to people every time I come out.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

For me, as for others, queer definitely connotes a non-assimilationist stance as well as being a handy shorthand for all the ways in which I am deviant (word chosen with great deliberateness), especially orientation and genderwise.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Historical note of no great pertinence:where and when I came of age, queer was most definitely not the bigoted insult of choice. It was damn near a polite euphemism. Almost quaint. Not at all:they're going to kill you now.

[weirdquark]

I generally think of queer as a word that can be used by anyone who doesn't fit into the heteronormative paradigm and who also doesn't want to identify as something more specific -- maybe because they don't want to fit themselves into a box, or maybe because their box is so specific they want shorthand/don't want to give out that level of detail/don't think anyone wants that level of detail.

The equivalent to the gay-straight alliance where I am now uses the shorthand "Allies" to refer to group members -- but I think the acronym they use is LGBTQQIAA. Which is pretty good, especially since this is Texas.

[kindkit.livejournal.com]

I'm grateful for the word "queer" because it allows me to talk about my own sexuality without using terms such as "gay" that are too problematic to fit. I'm a trans man who is attracted to men, but because I've only recently accepted my own trans-ness after years of soul-searching, all my relationships with men occurred when I was still trying to identify as female. My male partners thought I was female, and we were perceived by others as being a heterosexual couple.

Thus, however problematic it was for my own gender identity, I've always had straight privilege. I haven't experienced what gay men experience, and I don't feel I should call myself gay yet because I haven't earned it. But I certainly don't want to call myself straight! "Queer" is a sanity-saver for me.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

This comment somewhat resonates with me, in a way- I am also only recently beginning to come to terms with many aspects of myself and explore them as well- granted, gay doesn't fit me either because my gender role changes, depending on the partner and not necessarily their gender.

[jnanacandra.livejournal.com]

I definitely ID as queer - from the pansexual (except that pansexual sounds too much like I want to fuck everybody) approach. I ID'd as bi for a long time but it did make me increasingly uncomfortable both because of how it supported the gender binary, and because of the assumptions people make about bi people - that we're sluts, that we fuck anyone - bi girls are unicorns in the poly universe (and I am poly, too) - more than anything I wanted a term that said "Don't assume. If you really want to know, respect me as a person first and you'll know more when you need to."

My male partner, who is poly, kinky, and only attracted to women, also IDs as queer, which I admit made me twitch the first time I heard it. But over time I've come to some understanding of where he's coming from. Much like another commenter (I think xtricks) said, anytime you run afoul of a mainstream attempt to control who and how you fuck, it's a similar sort of oppression. Sure, he can "pass" for full-on straight - but so can I, so can many trans people, and that doesn't, I think, invalidate our very real experiences running afoul of a repressive society. Saying that someone who appears straight doesn't have a right to the word makes it about your perceptions rather than their self-identity, and I don't think that's right.

that pansexual sounds too much like I want to fuck everybody

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Especially the wildly overly optimistic clod who is hitting on you. And not particularly well.

Just as a datapoint

[the-ogre.livejournal.com]

"Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy."

This is mostly how I use it, personally, but I also tend to use it as shorthand for folks who fall under the umbrella of LGBTQ.

And, thanks for posting this.

[ladyaelfwynn.livejournal.com]

Thank you for giving us a space to talk about this. I really appreciate the nuanced, intelligent discussion. I'm learning a lot.

I hate how our culture worships duality, everything has to be either this or that. People are forced to fit in one category or the other whether or not they feel like they fit either place.

I think that most things are really multiple choice and this includes one's gender, presentation, and orientation. I think it changes over time as each person has new experiences.

To the untrained observer I look like a cisgendered, heterosexual, suburban housewife. The only part of that I actually claim is the cisgendered bit. I'm female and I like a lot of the clothes our culture wants women to wear.

But the rest, I think I'd identify as queer, if I wasn't more worried about people thinking I'm being disrespectful by using the term. As someone who identifies as bi (because that's the term I'm most familiar with that describes my desires; maybe omni is a better fit. I need to do more research to understand the differences*) but has all the privilege of a married, white, straight woman with a kid, I don't want to claim a term I haven't earned. I don't yet feel like I've earned the right to use queer because I haven't been persecuted.

I just want to be respectful towards the people who've really had to deal with the negatives that come from identifying as something other than straight or cisgendered.

I also like QUILTBAG! ;-p

*I'm a cataloguing librarian, so describing things, succinctly and accurately is part of what I do.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

I kind of want to hug your comment, particularly:

I hate how our culture worships duality, everything has to be either this or that. People are forced to fit in one category or the other whether or not they feel like they fit either place.

I think that most things are really multiple choice and this includes one's gender, presentation, and orientation. I think it changes over time as each person has new experiences.

[svollga.livejournal.com]

I identify as 'queer' meaning 'anything but cis-straight-monogamous-vanilla'. But I live in a not-anglophone country where the word doesn't have a derogatory meaning. (Actually, it's used only in queer studies which aren't that developed anyway, and as a title of gay magazine.) All the 'usual' terms - lesbian, bisexual, trans - don't feel right for me (and you can't say anything like 'gay woman' in Russian, though I'm not even a woman all the time).

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Every time I forget to link this to you!

But this is the Israeli-Russian QUILTBAG Community's portal.

http://raduga.co.il/

I can't read a word, but since you can :)