PSA: Queer

[rm]

(This is an outgrowth of a comment thread I'm having with someone in their journal. If that someone is you, no worries, we're cool).

Queer (as an adjective, we will not be using the noun here) is not inherently synonymous with gay and lesbian or LGBT.¹

Many LGBT people do not like or choose to use queer and/or feel it to represent something additional or instead of gay and lesbian or LGBT.

Because queer was originally a slur and not all LGBT people like to use it,² it's generally best that straight people don't use the word unless talking about people and groups that self-identify as queer.

Queer can be considered a non-assimilationist word. Some LGBT people who are not interested in getting equal rights by proving we're just like straight people prefer the term. (This is like when I rant about how "I'm queer and you can tell and I like it that way.")

Some non-trans people who are gender non-conforming use the term or variations there of (i.e., genderqueer).

Some trans people who are additionally not straight use the term as a shorthand way of encompassing multiple identities.

Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy.

Some people prefer queer because it removes the separation between men and women in the LGBT community, breaks down barriers between bisexual and other orientation identities, and can be more inclusive of the T part of the LGBT (which often gets pushed aside, because oppressed groups can be crappy to each other too).

Others like it because it's only one syllable.

Additionally queer is sometimes used to encompass kink, polyamorous and other non-traditional relationship styles in a way that may or may not be related to LGBT individuals depending on the community.³

As usual, I don't speak for all LGBT or queer people, just myself and my experience of our communities. If you have questions or more to add, consider the comments a free for all. I'm particularly interested in other people's sense and connotations for the word as ongoing discussion in the original thread is revealing that they are highly varied.

---

¹ A commenter reminds me that LGBT is just not enough these days, nor is LGBTQ, which you'll also often see. The full acronym these days often includes not just LGBT, but Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and more.
² It's also just been brought to my attention that age may be a factor in how one reacts to queer so this PSA might seem more or less peculiar to you depending on your age.
³ Please see comments for additional discussion of this as there is disagreement on this one. It is problematic for many, and I tend to agree, although the arguments for its inclusion in queer also make a lot of sense.

ETA: Please read the comments. This is such an awesome display of diverse identities, respectful discussion about fraught issues and random people making friends I can't quite get over it. I am loving the LJ today.

Comments

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

I've always had a problem with knowing what terms were ok to use and when to apply them. I get really uncomfortable sometimes with the subject matter because I am so afraid I am going to use a term wrong or address something incorrectly and offend and anger someone.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

In my experience you will always offend and anger someone when talking in this realm, but at the same time someone will smile and thank you for using their idea of what is correct. It's the old you can't please all of the people all of the time argument. The way I sort around it is that the people who get angry and belligerent about it are shuffled out of the deck and the people who are reasonable and explain why they dislike the way I've used the word are the ones worth keeping around. I learned this method during my early exposure to TG/TS/TV people. Many of them were willing to take the time to explain the difference ( and some taught me the T* catch all ) , while others would just be instantly offended and go off on a rage.

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

Its quite a minefield, isn't it? This is why I just prefer to see people as people, and nevermind the labels.

[rm.livejournal.com]

The problem is, that without the labels minority identities disappear. Without the labels, heteronormative assumptions can erase my identity, and very likely will erase the identity of, say, femme lesbians. I want to live in the world Jack Harkness grew up in (without "the most terrible creatures you can imagine") but I don't.

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

I think I need to explain myself better.

I don't mean to complete dismiss what an individual identifies as or doesn't identify as. It is an important part of who they are. But I don't concentrate on it. Its sort of like "So-and-so is bi/gay/a different race/etc, and thats part of who they are" but I want to get to know someone more than just their labels, whats beyond them.

And I am making a total hash out of trying to explain myself...

[delchi.livejournal.com]

I'm right there with you. I made the mistake once of saying that a person's gender identity didn't matter to me - intending to mean that I was not going to judge/categorize them based on their gender identity, but instead relate to them as a person. That opened a huge can of worms and a pile of accusations against me for things that I never intended.

In reality I don't judge people based on their gender identity/sexuality. It's a non issue to me - because I'm not going to judge a person based on their sexuality ( pedophiles/rapists excepted ) , I'm going to let the person be who and what they are and go from there. Sadly I think that this is a little too forward thinking for some people who feel that by not recognizing them as the unique gender/sexuality they are demeans them.

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

I don't mean to demean anyone by how I view people. For me also, I don't judge based on sexual orientation/race/religion/etc. I'm bi and pagan myself, I have friends who run the entire gamut of orientations (from race to religion to sexuality), and while those things are part of who they are, that isn't all they are to me.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

"Intent and outcome are rarely coincident "

:)

[eredien]

I made the mistake once of saying that a person's gender identity didn't matter to me - intending to mean that I was not going to judge/categorize them based on their gender identity, but instead relate to them as a person.

Imagine you were in a gaming club with some friends, and you and a friend decided to put together a puzzle. You opened the box and set the lid up to look at the finished picture, but ignored the pieces and left them in the box. Your friend took the pieces out, turned to you and said, "hey! If you put this blue piece next to this red piece, they combine to start making the picture!" but you replied, "I refuse to recognize the existence of those pieces in the box; I only care about the whole picture on the lid." Your friend would realize that you knew about the pieces since you acknowledged their existence, but would also realize that you didn't actually care about the process of completing the puzzle.

They wouldn't be confused about why you were having a hard time putting together the puzzle; they would just wonder why you refused to acknowledge the pieces.

They might move on to work with someone who acknowledged that puzzles were made of pieces. They might choose to not talk to you about puzzles again, even if they liked you as a person. They might choose to stop talking to you entirely if a major part of their life revolved around puzzles--say they got a job as a puzzle designer at a toy company--because every time they talked about their life with you, they'd have to decide if they wanted to spend half the conversation correcting your misapprehensions about their job.

You might take up painting or photography to reproduce the picture of the puzzle on the lid of the box, but if you then took the completed artwork into the games club, saying, "I completed the puzzle without pieces!" they might say, "Just because it looks like the completed puzzle doesn't mean that it is the puzzle, because puzzles are made of pieces. That's a painting of the puzzle."

If you told them that your way of thinking was just a little too forward-thinking for some people, and said that demeaned them when they'd asked you to acknowledge the existence and importance of puzzle pieces, you'd get a lot of frustrated, angry gamers.

You might still think that you'd solved the puzzle without pieces, and you might keep thinking your painting was still a solved puzzle, but that wouldn't mean that you were right. It would, in fact, mean that you were wrong, and persisted in being wrong--despite evidence to the contrary, evidence presented by friends who cared about you.

[rm.livejournal.com]

This is a really great explanation of this, thanks.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

Good points, but where you go off the track ( in reference to me ) is in using the word refusal. It's not that I was refusing to acknowledge the gender identity, but not making a huge issue out of it. It never was about refusal, but more like ' oh you are wearing a red hat , and not a blue hat'. It's there, but it's not so huge a thing that I would judge a person solely by it, or decide to not associate with them because of it. Do you like red wine or white wine? It's part of who you are, but it's not the end all be all of who you are. It doesn't really matter - in the sense that it's not going to make any large difference in how I relate to you. I'm not going to accept or condemn you because of it.

I'm not saying that I refuse to acknowledge the pieces, but that all pieces make up the whole and no one piece is more important than the others. There is nothing unusual or "weird" about this specific piece. There is much more to people than just their sexuality, and there is no real reason to focus on it like it was some kind of anomaly.

Take our host RM for example. Writer, actor, knows a good steak from a slab of horseflesh, has an appreciation for classic video games, more than a little techie-geek blood in the veins, and convinced me to start my LJ. That's a hell of a person. Sexuality? Ok , it's in there. Yes I'm jealous as hell that side by side I know which one of us looks better in a suit, but hey that's life :) Acceptance of the whole means acceptance of the parts.

When I say forward thinking, I'm comparing myself to people who would judge a person heavily on their sexuality. " Oooohh! you are poly? I could never live like that, you are weird I don't want to talk to you ", or in the classic Doonesbury comic when Mark tells his father that he is gay and his father replies " Which one of you wears the dress? " the typical reactions that you expect from people who have a hard time accepting diverse sexuality.

Your sexuality is part of who you are, but not so much that it's a conversation stopper, or some great secret anymore. We have evolved past whispering " I'm gay " in each others ears so that the people next to us at the bar can't hear. We have conversations out loud in which we talk about our partners, husbands/wives , boyfriends/girlfriends , and I for one am one of the people you do not have to worry about embarrassing, shaming, or squicking, explaining, or being afraid of my reaction when the introductions are made.

Out on the town, this is my friend who I am sharing drinks and conversation with. This is a person I know and trust, drink brandy and smoke cigars with. This is not " A biological woman in a suit crossdressing as reference to their inner gender identity ". This is my friend. When on a date I am with my date, my dinner partner, my club hopping bar crawling companion, not a "Biological male pre op transgendered bisexual ". Sure , in both cases that is exactly who they may be, but it's not who they are.
it's not such a big deal that we have to talk about it all night. There are drinks to be drunk, dances to be danced, topics of the day to discuss and debate, and in some cases sex to be had.

Years ago , in Manhattan, one of my coworkers was outed as being preop. It spread through the company like wildfire. When people came to me to tell me the hot gossip , I was like " Ok , so what ? ". It didn't effect me at all. When she came into my office and said " So I guess by now you've heard about me ", I laughed and said it was no big deal. I knew, and it didn't really matter. She became a little upset at me , and I pointed out that she was my coworker, could play a mean rendition of Roundabout on an acoustic guitar, had a wicked sense of humor , and was good at her job - on par of not a little better than her peers. Why should being preop change anything? Did she want me to run around with my hair on fire going " woo woo woo chick with a dick " like other people in the office? Sorry, I'm not that backwards. I don't respect , like, or wish to work or hang out with you any more or any less because of your gender identity. She smiled and left. In the later weeks we talked more, she introduced me to her boyfriend, and in the end life went on.

[weirdquark]

When I was in junior high, my health class had a brief unit on what to do if a friend of yours came out to you. We should, they told us, be supportive, and say, "thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that; you're my friend, and this won't change anything between us."

And I remember wondering why it would be a big deal for someone to trust me with telling me they were gay, because of course it makes no difference to me whether my friend is gay or straight.

But coming out is a big deal for a lot of people, and when you say it doesn't matter to you, it sounds like you're not acknowledging that it's hard to be out because our society is fucked up, even when you mean that someone's sexual orientation isn't going to change whether or not you like them.

[delchi.livejournal.com]

Totally understanding you. There is something to be said for the way in which it's presented. Most of the people I know have never had to " come out " to me because they have been out for a substantial time - and I've never had the experience of someone coming out to me in confidence or as the first person they come out to. I'm pretty confident that should I be put in that situation I would handle it in a proper manner.

[eredien]

Delchi, I think that sometimes--especially if one is having a hard time with one's gender identity, or has just come out, or especially if one has come out and had a bad experience that's really affected their life and how they relate to others--the refusal to acknowledge the *importance* of that particular piece of their life's puzzle might be frustating to that particular person.

I think you probably did acknowledge that person's gender identity as a piece of them, but is it possible that you acknowledged it in a way that showed them that you were going to treat it exactly as you would any other part, despite the fact that they told you that it was not just like any other part?

If someone told you "this piece of the puzzle is larger than the others and fills in a bigger gap; it came that way from the factory," and you say, "well, I see that, but I think all puzzle pieces ought to be the same size," and they say, "well, this one's not, and still completes the picture fine as-is; let's finish and look at the picture," and you say, "but--I have some scissors. Can't you just humor me, and cut it down to be the same size as the others?" They might say, "It's my puzzle. If you cut this piece in two, it might not fit as well. I'd rather have a whole, puzzle with one oversized well-fitting piece than a puzzle that doesn't fit quite right because you thought the pieces should all be the same size." If you then took out scissors and said, "I don't care what you think is right -- just let me cut that one piece down to size, and then you'll see that the entire thing looks great--just the way I want it to look!" they might be justified in shouting, "Well, I think it already looks great, I want it to look this way, and it's my puzzle! Go away and cut up your own puzzles, not mine, if you care so much about puzzle piece size!"

Now imagine you went to the rest of the people in the game club and said, "I don't know why my friend cares so much about puzzle piece size! She's obsessed and angry about it, and possessive of her puzzles! Even after I pointed out that her puzzle didn't live up to my standard, she wouldn't let me cut up her puzzle to fit! Somehow, we never finished a puzzle--we only ever got into arguments. It was just too exhausting. So, from now on, I'm only going to solve puzzles with people who agree with me that all puzzle pieces ought to be cut to exactly the same size, if they didn't already come that way direct from the factory. It's sad--if they'd let me remake their puzzle to my standard, we'd put together so many awesome puzzles!"

Your friend might get really frustrated, and go off to form their own game club with people who just wanted to see the picture on the box, and didn't care about the size of the individual pieces which made up that picture.

[eredien]

If you think that every part of a person's life is equally important, and that no one part ought to be larger than another for the whole to remain in balance, I can see how it would be very hard for you see understand how someone could remain in balance if any part of their life were genuinely more important than another part--and how hard it might be for you to interact with those people.

But just because pieces that are all about the same size can balance doesn't mean that the only things that can balance are pieces that all the same size:

An average book weighs about a pound. 260 books, at 260 pounds, could balance out 260 other identical books--or they could balance out a baby elephant. It might be that one side of their scale has 260 books, like yours, but where the other side of your scale may also have 260 books, they might have a baby elephant. Your scales and their scales are still equally in balance, but if they tell you that they have a baby elephant and you tell them that they can't be right--an elephant is just too large to balance properly, and to balance properly every individual piece needs to be not too large, and not too small--they are going to eventually get tired of arguing with you about the balance of their scales.

When they say, "this gender identity is a big part of my life," and you say, "well, you shouldn't put so much emphasis on that--it's actually just the same as these other pieces of your life over here," you are dismissing the fact that it actually is a bigger part of their life, and dismissing their knowledge of themselves and everything that comes with that, including an understanding of their real feelings.

Relationships built on your idea of a person's real feelings, rather than the person's real feelings, are seldom real relationships.

You are trying to make their baby elephants into books. You are going to be very surprised when you hear a tiny trumpeting noise--even though 260 books weigh the same as a baby elephant, a baby elephant does not act like 260 books.

[tacky-tramp.livejournal.com]

A sincere apology generally goes a long way in such situations.