PSA: Queer
Jun. 18th, 2010 11:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rm(This is an outgrowth of a comment thread I'm having with someone in their journal. If that someone is you, no worries, we're cool).
Queer (as an adjective, we will not be using the noun here) is not inherently synonymous with gay and lesbian or LGBT.1
Many LGBT people do not like or choose to use queer and/or feel it to represent something additional or instead of gay and lesbian or LGBT.
Because queer was originally a slur and not all LGBT people like to use it,2 it's generally best that straight people don't use the word unless talking about people and groups that self-identify as queer.
Queer can be considered a non-assimilationist word. Some LGBT people who are not interested in getting equal rights by proving we're just like straight people prefer the term. (This is like when I rant about how "I'm queer and you can tell and I like it that way.")
Some non-trans people who are gender non-conforming use the term or variations there of (i.e., genderqueer).
Some trans people who are additionally not straight use the term as a shorthand way of encompassing multiple identities.
Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy.
Some people prefer queer because it removes the separation between men and women in the LGBT community, breaks down barriers between bisexual and other orientation identities, and can be more inclusive of the T part of the LGBT (which often gets pushed aside, because oppressed groups can be crappy to each other too).
Others like it because it's only one syllable.
Additionally queer is sometimes used to encompass kink, polyamorous and other non-traditional relationship styles in a way that may or may not be related to LGBT individuals depending on the community.3
As usual, I don't speak for all LGBT or queer people, just myself and my experience of our communities. If you have questions or more to add, consider the comments a free for all. I'm particularly interested in other people's sense and connotations for the word as ongoing discussion in the original thread is revealing that they are highly varied.
1 A commenter reminds me that LGBT is just not enough these days, nor is LGBTQ, which you'll also often see. The full acronym these days often includes not just LGBT, but Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and more.
2 It's also just been brought to my attention that age may be a factor in how one reacts to queer so this PSA might seem more or less peculiar to you depending on your age.
3 Please see comments for additional discussion of this as there is disagreement on this one. It is problematic for many, and I tend to agree, although the arguments for its inclusion in queer also make a lot of sense.
ETA: Please read the comments. This is such an awesome display of diverse identities, respectful discussion about fraught issues and random people making friends I can't quite get over it. I am loving the LJ today.
Queer (as an adjective, we will not be using the noun here) is not inherently synonymous with gay and lesbian or LGBT.1
Many LGBT people do not like or choose to use queer and/or feel it to represent something additional or instead of gay and lesbian or LGBT.
Because queer was originally a slur and not all LGBT people like to use it,2 it's generally best that straight people don't use the word unless talking about people and groups that self-identify as queer.
Queer can be considered a non-assimilationist word. Some LGBT people who are not interested in getting equal rights by proving we're just like straight people prefer the term. (This is like when I rant about how "I'm queer and you can tell and I like it that way.")
Some non-trans people who are gender non-conforming use the term or variations there of (i.e., genderqueer).
Some trans people who are additionally not straight use the term as a shorthand way of encompassing multiple identities.
Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy.
Some people prefer queer because it removes the separation between men and women in the LGBT community, breaks down barriers between bisexual and other orientation identities, and can be more inclusive of the T part of the LGBT (which often gets pushed aside, because oppressed groups can be crappy to each other too).
Others like it because it's only one syllable.
Additionally queer is sometimes used to encompass kink, polyamorous and other non-traditional relationship styles in a way that may or may not be related to LGBT individuals depending on the community.3
As usual, I don't speak for all LGBT or queer people, just myself and my experience of our communities. If you have questions or more to add, consider the comments a free for all. I'm particularly interested in other people's sense and connotations for the word as ongoing discussion in the original thread is revealing that they are highly varied.
1 A commenter reminds me that LGBT is just not enough these days, nor is LGBTQ, which you'll also often see. The full acronym these days often includes not just LGBT, but Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and more.
2 It's also just been brought to my attention that age may be a factor in how one reacts to queer so this PSA might seem more or less peculiar to you depending on your age.
3 Please see comments for additional discussion of this as there is disagreement on this one. It is problematic for many, and I tend to agree, although the arguments for its inclusion in queer also make a lot of sense.
ETA: Please read the comments. This is such an awesome display of diverse identities, respectful discussion about fraught issues and random people making friends I can't quite get over it. I am loving the LJ today.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 12:46 am (UTC)And I remember wondering why it would be a big deal for someone to trust me with telling me they were gay, because of course it makes no difference to me whether my friend is gay or straight.
But coming out is a big deal for a lot of people, and when you say it doesn't matter to you, it sounds like you're not acknowledging that it's hard to be out because our society is fucked up, even when you mean that someone's sexual orientation isn't going to change whether or not you like them.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 05:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 06:03 pm (UTC)I think you probably did acknowledge that person's gender identity as a piece of them, but is it possible that you acknowledged it in a way that showed them that you were going to treat it exactly as you would any other part, despite the fact that they told you that it was not just like any other part?
If someone told you "this piece of the puzzle is larger than the others and fills in a bigger gap; it came that way from the factory," and you say, "well, I see that, but I think all puzzle pieces ought to be the same size," and they say, "well, this one's not, and still completes the picture fine as-is; let's finish and look at the picture," and you say, "but--I have some scissors. Can't you just humor me, and cut it down to be the same size as the others?" They might say, "It's my puzzle. If you cut this piece in two, it might not fit as well. I'd rather have a whole, puzzle with one oversized well-fitting piece than a puzzle that doesn't fit quite right because you thought the pieces should all be the same size." If you then took out scissors and said, "I don't care what you think is right -- just let me cut that one piece down to size, and then you'll see that the entire thing looks great--just the way I want it to look!" they might be justified in shouting, "Well, I think it already looks great, I want it to look this way, and it's my puzzle! Go away and cut up your own puzzles, not mine, if you care so much about puzzle piece size!"
Now imagine you went to the rest of the people in the game club and said, "I don't know why my friend cares so much about puzzle piece size! She's obsessed and angry about it, and possessive of her puzzles! Even after I pointed out that her puzzle didn't live up to my standard, she wouldn't let me cut up her puzzle to fit! Somehow, we never finished a puzzle--we only ever got into arguments. It was just too exhausting. So, from now on, I'm only going to solve puzzles with people who agree with me that all puzzle pieces ought to be cut to exactly the same size, if they didn't already come that way direct from the factory. It's sad--if they'd let me remake their puzzle to my standard, we'd put together so many awesome puzzles!"
Your friend might get really frustrated, and go off to form their own game club with people who just wanted to see the picture on the box, and didn't care about the size of the individual pieces which made up that picture.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 07:04 pm (UTC)But just because pieces that are all about the same size can balance doesn't mean that the only things that can balance are pieces that all the same size:
An average book weighs about a pound. 260 books, at 260 pounds, could balance out 260 other identical books--or they could balance out a baby elephant. It might be that one side of their scale has 260 books, like yours, but where the other side of your scale may also have 260 books, they might have a baby elephant. Your scales and their scales are still equally in balance, but if they tell you that they have a baby elephant and you tell them that they can't be right--an elephant is just too large to balance properly, and to balance properly every individual piece needs to be not too large, and not too small--they are going to eventually get tired of arguing with you about the balance of their scales.
When they say, "this gender identity is a big part of my life," and you say, "well, you shouldn't put so much emphasis on that--it's actually just the same as these other pieces of your life over here," you are dismissing the fact that it actually is a bigger part of their life, and dismissing their knowledge of themselves and everything that comes with that, including an understanding of their real feelings.
Relationships built on your idea of a person's real feelings, rather than the person's real feelings, are seldom real relationships.
You are trying to make their baby elephants into books. You are going to be very surprised when you hear a tiny trumpeting noise--even though 260 books weigh the same as a baby elephant, a baby elephant does not act like 260 books.