sundries

[rm]

Patty has finished her comps. Yay!

I will try to finish my Dragon*Con panel roundups this weekend. Particular apologies to the people from the Alternative Regencies panel that are still waiting.

news has been updated and the ability to cross-post comments to other sites from locked posts will be removed with the next code push (that's two weeks away).

The ability to turn off-cross posting from one's own journal for anyone commenting on public entries does not seem to be something that will be implemented at this time. For me, it's a non-issue, but for people who have their journal set not to be included in search engines and really thought no one outside of LJ would ever see their stuff, it's a shock. While it's not my concern or how I interact with information, people who feel differently than me are still entitled to feel that way.

Additionally, there is some noise about LJ staff with sock-puppet accounts trolling and being abusive on the news threads. To be frank (har, har), this punches my buttons so hard, I'm not actually looking at or investigating this one beyond a couple of links I've already checked about it.

For now, I remain here, as this is where my community is. Eventually, I will probably migrate to a non-LJ, non-Dreamwidth set-up under my own domain, by am way too busy to worry about that now.

My experience of working for multiple social media companies over the years is that it is an inevitability that these corporations have profound contempt for their users; the question, really, is only whether you find out about it. Ultimately, the LJ tool serves me far more than random employees bullying the user base serves them. Which is to say, for me, and my current levels of not giving a shit, that while enraged, I come out in the win column. Today, I have other battles to fight.

This is a post about sexual assault and harassment at Dragon*Con. I had no bad experiences this year, but did think things seemed more volatile and confrontational and I'm sadly not surprised that there is a lot of speaking out about this problem this year (which is an unfortunately inevitable problem at any large event -- Dragon*Con weekend involves the intersection of at least three large events). I did, however, have an incident of physical intimidation and harassment the prior year, which involved other con-goers, and I made the mistake of not reporting it to security because I was fine and in a hurry; unfortunately, being lax the way I was allows predators to get away with their behavior, and escalate it. Discussion is obviously triggery, but if you have something to report or something to contribute about ways to make the event safer, please stop by.

A lot of noise is being made about Citibank HR's list of things women do that hamper their ability to get ahead in the workplace. Playing fair, asking permission and apologizing, are, particularly the three people are finding most outrageous, and, taken to their logical extreme, that outrage, especially after the financial crisis of the last several years, is deeply reasonable. However, the list (which Citibank HR sources from a book) also has a point.

1. Let's start with apologizing in the workplace. Rightly or wrongly, it's viewed as an act of submission. Saying "this happened on my watch, and this is what I've done to fix the problem" still takes responsibility, but is seen as proactive. Saying "I'm sorry," says you're wasting valuable company time waiting for someone to punish you.

2. If you ever worked for a dot.com you probably heard "Ask forgiveness, not permission" more times than you can count. Lord knows, the phrase practically makes me want to vomit at this point, but the reality is corporations want shit done and shit done fast. This isn't about breaking the rules; that (despite being a part of many corporate cultures, particularly in the financial industry) actually sucks and is something that needs to be addressed. This is about wasting time getting approval to do what you've already been hired to do (they hired you, because they trust your brain) -- take initiave, innovate, and solve problems.

3. Okay, the "playing fair" one sounds extra-sketchy, I admit, and like the "asking permission" one certainly touches on toxic, problematic aspects of corporate cultures. But if you wait until everyone else speaks, if you always defer to the senior person in the room, if you never interrupt anyone, if you believe excelling in something that we're supposed to take turns in, you're going to get steam-rolled. Don't be a dick, don't sabotage people, but seriously, don't wait your damn turn either. This would be better phrased as "do play hard" instead of "don't play fair."

Overall, however, the tone of the list is, of course, deeply, deeply insulting. Women aren't naive or children and Citibank is shooting itself in the foot in more ways than one if they think so. But many woman have received significant conscious and unconscious cultural training to behave in ways that can be perceived as that way.

The other significant flaw of this list is that it does not acknowledge the ways in which some behaviors when engaged in by women look different than when engaged in by men. These include things like aggression, the use of smiles and leaning forward in your chair (in a woman it can often look, not assertive, but over-eager).

Tomorrow tickets go on sale for the New York Film Festival. What do I want? And ah, I remember when this was one of _the_ events in New York City. Now, I feel, no one cares, it's all about the Tribeca Film Festival now. Which is a great thing for New York, but man, brings out the wannabe director douchebags like nobody's business.

I know Karl Lagerfeld routinely says things that offend many of us, but he's still an object of fascination for me. Apparently, I'm not alone.

A robot called Girlzilla.

You must remember this: Muslims and Islam were a part of life at the WTC.

The Twin Towers came down in September 2001; I went to Australia in January 2005. Guess which event feels more recent? That, right there, is my personal problem with the eternal-9/11 culture.

A piece of 9/11-related art I love: Wish You Were Here.

Another piece of 9/11-related art I love: I'm Falling for You. (note, this one offends the fuck out of a lot of people).

Two things I've written about 9/11:
America (written right when I came home from Australia)
untitled (written last year)

If you need a big dose of Where Were You When, I recommend the #wherewereyou tag on Twitter.

Finally, if you're going to hate someone or a group of someones, do it in your own name, not that of Jesus or Allah or the children or New York City or patriots or whatever is on your list today. Yeah?

On a cheerier note, fuck everything, here's some more zebra footage: Actually, otters (listen with sound and thank Patty) and turtles eating things!

And, sneaking a meme in here at the end: post a picture of you as you are, right now -- don't fix your hair, reach for the coverup or get out the Photoshop.

Comments

[kadairk.livejournal.com]

I agree with you about apologizing versus taking responsibility for one's actions, even mistakes. I finally have a job where I can go to my boss and say, I fucked up. Royally. I can ask for her help, if I messed up beyond my own capacity to fix it. This is HARD for me, I have internalized a notion that people will not like me if I make a mistake, much less admit it. That internalization led to me saying "I'm sorry" a lot in relationships, but at work, it led to me trying to cover up mistakes rather than admit them. It's taken a corporate culture that accepts its employees as human and fallible yet still worthy for me to get to this point. My fear is that most people don't have that type of corporate culture, and that admitting mistakes can actually jeopardize their career.

[deslea.livejournal.com]

I agree 100% with that list. I'd never seen it before, but I play by it. Which is why I will often look around a senior meeting and realise I'm the only woman there, and everyone else is two pay grades higher. Basically, every rule on that list boils down to, "If you want to run the place, act like you already run the place."

Edited to add - I do take your point that some of these things could work against you when done to extremes. But that's true of most advice.

Okay, second and last edit (I'm not going to spam your inbox every time my brain synapses fire, I promise) - just for clarity, the two-pay-grades-higher thing isn't a glass-ceiling thing or an inequitable-payment thing. Promotion is very prescriptive in the public service. I'm just not there yet - but I do get invited to listen and talk in more senior quarters, and that is not true of everyone at my level.

Finally,.

[stardragonca.livejournal.com]

Yeah!

[rm.livejournal.com]

All good. And yes, I know you're in public service, so it didn't throw me, but it's a good edit for the people who don't know, so thank you!

[deslea.livejournal.com]

No problem - thank you for raising the topic. It doesn't get raised enough.

I really have no problem with the whole corporate-world-roleplay. I know some people do, and more power to them if they make a choice to be themselves even if that means they eventually hit a career wall. But I think it sucks when people hit that wall and they don't understand why it happened. It's not just women, either. My male boss, who's a sweet guy, is on occasion much more self-deprecating than he should be.

Oh - and I'll know next week whether I got my next pay grade. I'm shortlisted for two promotions, one in a different agency. Of course, it is while I'm away!!

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Reading that card, I can only assume the 11th mistake women who work at Citibank make to sabotage their careers is the fact that they work at Citibank.

And congrats to Patty!

[rm.livejournal.com]

We do call it Shittybank for a reason.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Taking out the gender piece, it's strange for me to think that corporate culture works this way. I keep looking at it and frowning because as a supervisor, I'm not going to promote someone who's a dick to his or her work cohort. When I catch somebody weaseling out of/around rules, I'll nail that person for it. I discipline them, not reward them. Granted, a lot of the rules where I work are about confidentiality and safety, but still.

The directness and assertiveness pieces are good and useful for anyone, but a lot of that advice seems really destructive in ways that promote actively toxic work relationships.

[rm.livejournal.com]

To me, it's toxic seeming because it doesn't explain what the positive behaviors are, which are (as I hope I pointed out when I took it apart) not lying and cheating, but not wasting time, being proactive, fixing your own messes, etc.

As a supervisor, I don't have day-to-day time to manage people feeling bad because they fucked up or aren't self-confident over little shit. It is my job to foster an environment where someone can come to me and say, "here's the shit I'm struggling with thematically, and here's a project I feel stuck on, can we talk this through and find a solution?"

I've literally had people come in and say sorry and hang their head (and I've done that shit too) and what the hell am I supposed to do with that that's workplace appropriate?

Of course, I work in a fast-paced industry and to be frank and funny (and as you know, as we've talked about this related to everything that went down with fencing), harbor a lot of the same leadership flaws as Jack. But the list, while poorly written to get good results and a positive workplace environment, seems right on to me.

[deslea.livejournal.com]

I didn't read the "play fair" thing that way - I didn't read it that either Citibank or the original book was advising women not to be ethical. I read it as "fair" in terms of playing by the office rules (ie, conventions), not the moral rules.

For instance, I work in an environment with prescriptive pay points. You can get a bonus or an early pay point, but you need a damn good reason, your bosses' support, and a written business case that is reviewed by a committee. Guess how many people ask? Not many. I do.

Another convention in my workplace is that executives get hour-for-hour flexitime off, on paper, but in reality there is pressure not to take it. To which I say "I don't think so." That time is part of my agreed package when I joined. I work hard, I deliver, and I play hard, and damn if I'm forfeiting my time. And I'm not going to ask for it or apologise for it, either (as the card says, I just inform them that I'm taking it).

[deslea.livejournal.com]

To me, it's toxic seeming because it doesn't explain what the positive behaviors are

I sort of see what you're getting at. I guess to me, that card assumes you're an otherwise constructive employee who is derailing herself unnecessarily. It's not trying to address a bad worker IMO.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think the card makes sense to functional people in traditional workplaces. I think for people who work in non-profits or academia or small companies where the rules might be different or who don't have a lot of work experience, it all looks really evil.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

You are so right about some behaviors being seen differently when done by women - it's tricky to strike a balance between coming across as assertive or as bitchy, for instance. There's a whole meta-dimension to it, too, because I actually *am* pretty assertive and tend to speak up a lot, and when people get annoyed with me for it, it's not always clear to me when they're being sexist and when I'm actually going overboard - but I've seen male colleagues get called out for the same thing so some of it definitely is real. It doesn't make it easier that I deal with cultural differences, either - Dutch teasing can be pretty brutal by American standards so it's not always easy for me to tell teasing that masks annoyance from teasing that means acceptance.

[deslea.livejournal.com]

Definitely. And I certainly didn't do the hardcore thing when I worked non-profit. Like you say, different sandboxes. It's all about understanding the rules of your environment and adapting. And it's good leadership. We're supposed to be agile - that's how the organisation stays agile. How am I supposed to tell my people to be responsive to their stakeholders if I, or they, can't even be responsive to our environment?

Using my Sarah Connor Chronicles Corporate Robot icon, because I think Catherine Weaver would approve of this thread. ;)

[rm.livejournal.com]

I am constantly amazed at the difference in how people respond to me depending on whether I'm wearing male or female clothing. I can't generally pass as a man in the workplace (although I can on the street in Europe, for some reason), but just the coding of the attire makes people receptive to my assertiveness (and not ask me to fetch them coffee) in a way that's astounding if I'm dressed like a man.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Yesterday I was at an off-site meeting at which I got asked to take notes - it's always hard to know how to take that. But in this case they asked a guy *first* (he begged off on account of slow typing speed) and it was for a small breakout group, not the whole meeting, which feels like it makes a difference somehow.

So I told them OK, but I was going to be speaking up a lot to make sure we recorded exactly what people meant to say - and afterward someone thanked me for 'leading the discussion'. :-)

[laughingacademy.livejournal.com]

(note, this one offends the fuck out of a lot of people).

Gosh, I can't imagine why. *falls over laughing* That is an impressive mix of cuteness and pitch black humor.

[brewsternorth.livejournal.com]

On a completely different tone from the cogent commentary going on in this comment thread:

Those are some badass-looking earphones you've got there.

[rm.livejournal.com]

It actually makes me cry every time I see it. Every single time. But then I have that only child thing where I anthropomorphize objects really intensely because, er, I didn't really have friends, so every time I see it, i get really sad.

But yeah, I had to actually have someone explain to me why it's obnoxious. My first response is always Sad Towers are Sad.

[rm.livejournal.com]

They are my Media is Serious Work earphones.

[afterthree.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your thoughts about the Citibank list. As someone who has worked in large corporate and small business culture, your take on this is exactly my take. And of course in some jobs, one of these things may become more important than others: for example, at a large corporate company I worked for, my manager was a lovely person but tended to quickly sidetrack and convolute any project. So when we followed the "ask forgiveness, not permissions" rule it was at least partly out of necessity. If we didn't, projects would inevitably fail or never even get off the ground. I've discovered that very often management needs more "management" and handling than lower-level staff does.

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

I had sent out some batches of the Backup ribbons to people going to Dragon*Con and I had some to pass out at the con.

But that's a huge flippin' con and I am but one person. I am at a loss as to how to spread the word (and the ribbons) around.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Word. Although, assuming I'm doing the con again next year, I'm happy to spread the word here and help send stuff out. Still one person, but with somewhat long Internet arms. We get ten bloggers with similar reach on board, and I think it'll start to make an impact.

I really don't blame Dragon*Con for this stuff. It's an inevitable part of large events, but this has now reached a critical mass where they'll need to strategize more of a response.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

I've been getting robo calls from them. For the first time, I was home when it happened.

Now, mind, I've been away on an international trip, and they knew that in case I needed to use the card. I'd paid my account (not off, as I'm carrying a low-rate balance transfer), and I haven't been late.

So I answer the call, and the robodialer says my name and the last four of my account, then tries to transfer me to a human. Then says, "We're sorry we can't answer your call." WTF?

So I change the number to my cell (so the calls won't bother anyone else) and send off an incendiary message to customer service. Bah.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

Yes on the forgiveness vs. permission thing. In some senses, it's considered weak to ask permission.

As an example, I spent two days working (without authorization) on a prototype to replace one program with another. I showed it as a prototype (granted, it was a working one) at the next meeting. It was 4x faster than what it replaced.

Two weeks later, it shipped.

I got a bonus and more free rein to do what I wanted, and I sped up a bunch of other processes internally. Some of the men (I was the only female engineer on the 38-member team) whined that I got "assigned" the cool things, but the truth is, I assigned myself.