sundries

[rm]

Yesterday was a long rough day. Today will hopefully be a shorter, albeit likely to require equal amounts of massive focus sort of day. Nearly all desk job stuff. Not exciting. You know, except for the part where it was really stressful. Thank god for Patty being funny and keeping me sane during various parts of it.

Tonight I am going to see The History of War at NYMF. Also, since yesterday sucks my weekend is going to be less constricted than initially thought. So if I feel inspired, tomorrow will be when I peak in to NYCC for a bit during the day. Although, in truth, I may just run away to Soho again instead. Something to inspire me before getting ready for my class reunion.

Sunday -- another rehearsal and shooting footage for the D&J funding video and whatever else we need for the website. When I got home from the office at 2:15am last night, I stopped myself (by muttering "you are not allowed to play auteur at two-fucking-am" over and over again until I put the case down) from looking at the D&J disc that rufus provided me with during a brief meet-up in Tribeca yesterday, but I'll try to glance through that tonight and make some notes.

One of the current tasks isn't to work on all my projects at once (I have some things staggered, that I know are more 2011 or 2012 or later or maybe or not ever or whatever), but to know what all the projects are. Part of that is looking at things and going "what is this story? why does it matter? and what is the vehicle for telling it?" Once I know that, it can go on the list, even if that's on a list that's "Maybe I'll never care enough." Part of this means looking at work that's incomplete, or was created in one context for a small audience, but can perhaps be shifted to a different context for a broader audience. Which means, I'm looking at something old and half-finished and realizing that the answer to it is writing is as a poly-romance (novel/play/musical/film? story, what are you???) that takes place in the film industry of the 1930s. Not saying it's a priority, but that's what it is. Which is buckets of funny. BUCKETS.

I've mentioned, recently, a bit about the summer where I only slept four hours a night, because I believed that was the path to making lots of art and being wildly successful or something (Yeah, laugh at me; it's okay. I know). Now that I find myself somewhat in that position again, but this time because I am making lots of art and success and everything else is super busy besides, I've finally realized why this shit is so hard. Or at least why it has been so for me.

Because when you're sleeping four hours a night, sweet heaven, do you need physical comfort. Which is why this was soul-sucking when I was single in 2003/4 and why it's grueling now with Patty away. This is totally doable with the soothing and confidence-inducing nature of human contact; It's damn fucking tiring without. But, hey, less than a month until I see Patty, and I'm going to sleep in tomorrow; I've earned it.

I've been randomly thinking about films I love that I can watch over and over again vs. those I can't. Now some, that's obvious -- they're just different categories of emotional experience. But let's look at bleak, grueling films -- I can watch The Children of Men over and over again (that sequence in the Tate Modern is the best thing in ever) no problem. But I can't even tolerate the thought of watching 28 Days again (not because it scared the crap out of me, but because of that scene where he finds his parents and that note that reads "we're sleeping now; we hope you're sleeping too.") or V for Vendetta (a film to which I am admittedly over-sensitive, because the night I came back from seeing it, was the night I got sick with celiac, and my getting ill and staying ill is linked in my mind to the medical torture sequences in the Valerie's letter portion of the film). Anyway, I love stuff like this, but it's always weird to me which ones I can and can't do over and over. I also feel like a coward about it.

Okay, the problem in this story isn't that the hotel staff member was cross-dressing, but that the staff-member was inappropriately in the guest's room and using her stuff! So CNN, your headline? Totally sucks.

Twin discrimination? I get her being frustrated by the idea of having to bring a second care-giver with her, that seems like something I could get my head around bending in these circumstances. But it's not some outrage to have to "pay double" if you have two children enrolled in the same class. There are two of them. Am I missing something? I may be missing something.

The man who repairs time.

New York's queer tango festival. I sort of want to say "choreographers take note!" because you can produce such different energies in a piece, if you aren't trying to recreate or play into heteronormativity, no matter the gender of your dancers -- especially, especially, especially with tango. *flaily hands*

Prison guard held in attack on inmate who is a trans woman.

The bullying conversations that have been opened up by "It Gets Better" and the tragedies that launched that project are so valuable. Today I want to ask people to remember that not all the cases of kids who have killed themselves due to anti-gay bullying were, themselves, gay. Sometimes they were just awkward or skinny or whatever else leads to these things. Once again, homophobia hurts everyone, and as long as gay is a dirty word, it will keep hurting everyone. And all of this is about sex-negativity and misogyny too. Notice how the female suicides of this ilk are usually the outgrowth of being called a slut. This is about words for women and the shape of desire.

I also want to say I am starting to see a certain amount of "[Dead kid #56356365] was a bully too." Yeah, probably. You know why? Because it's how you survive. Because if someone is picking on you, you find a target, any target, to ensure you're not at the bottom of the pile and you do the only thing you've been shown how to do by your peers: hurt. Our kids are in pain and they are afraid, and they deserve all the empathy and action we can muster. I don't have a great deal of compassion for people who have hurt me, but this is a failing. They did, after all, hurt me because they were afraid, not just of me, but of themselves. It's a terrible way to live.

Finally, National Coming Out Day is coming up. Being out is a privilege and can have serious consequences, even when you wouldn't think it because of the year or the location or whatever. But, one of the good things about being out is that it makes it harder for other people to make gay a dirty word. Please consider the possibility of being more out this year.

Comments

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh thank god I'm not the only one. Dancer in the Dark made me chain smoke my way through half a carton of cigarettes in horror and despair. I couldn't sleep that night. I thought it was an amazingly constructed movie but I will never, ever, ever watch it again.

[annissamazing]

Re: rewatching movies. 28 Days Later is one of my all-time favorite movies and I've seen it several times, but I can't muster the guts to watch Children of Men.

[delle.livejournal.com]

twin discrimination: her post left a bad taste in my mouth. I have three children and did home day care for 12 years, I understand the juggling that goes on care for multiple children (some the same age!) simultaneously.

but *that* particular program requires a lot of focus. that kind of focus isn't going to happen if mom is dividing her attention between two kids. there are 100s of other programs she could take her twins to that wouldn't require one adult/one child - and she shouldn't be expecting an established program to redesign its program requirements simply so she and her children can attend. there are other parents, other families, that have signed up for that program and she doesn't get to have it adjusted just for her.

I may be (probably am?) overreacting to her post. it seemed steeped in entitlement to me. but then, I'm the kind of parent that doesn't understand a lot of parenting out there.

[e-scapism101.livejournal.com]

Oh, there is entitlement all over that. It's very simple - there are rules established that she needs to follow and she thinks she needs to be exempt because she's special. They've established, through the program, that there is a certain level of focus needed per child and the only way to assure that is to require the 1 to 1 ratio...she doesn't agree and is now whining that they are discriminating against her.

[jeliza]

There is a powerful article at CANOW on the bullying of girls labeled "sluts".

And no, you aren't missing anything on the twin discrimination thing, imho (and I have had two toddlers in recent memories, albeit not twins). The comments from twins are slightly amusing.

[juniperus.livejournal.com]

I can't re-watch Closet Land, even though I last watched it in entirety some 15 years ago. I've tried - but I just can't do it.

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

re: physical comfort needs: Everyone has different levels of need. I have a friend who does not intend to live with/marry anyone. She's perfectly happy living by herself (with her cats and rabbits). When she is not in a relationship, I observed that she gets her physical comfort by asking some people (in her case it's males that she is good friends with and knows that they are open to this) to give her hugs when she has encountered them socially. This may be something only she can pull off or is comfortable doing but you might have a few close friends who would give you a hug if you are in great need until you and Patty are able to be physically together.

This leads me to observe the great irony of life. Humans need each other but we are our own worst enemies.

I was bullied in high school but I remember thinking that the girl who did the bullying was just as insecure as I was, perhaps more so. I eventually got her to stop by being cheerful in the face of her name calling as ignoring her did not make her stop, I had to respond in a way that was negative reinforcement for her. My husband was bullied even worse than I was to the point of having someone choke him in school. His parents enrolled him in a martial arts class and this changed the way he carried himself and the bullying ceased. When my daughter was ten, friends of hers enrolled in a Tang Soo Do class and she became interested and I was delighted to let her take the classes. The classes were conducted in such away that boosts self esteem and confidence along with understanding that using physical contact is a last resort even if you have the skills to do so. I think that if there were some way to incorporate this in mainstream schooling, we would see less bullying overall.

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

I cannot, under any circumstances, rewatch Requiem for a Dream.

I didn't know what it was about when I saw it, and was therefore utterly unprepared for it. It was masterfully written, directed, and acted, but I have no qualms about saying it was an awful, awful movie.

[thedivinegoat.livejournal.com]

With the twin thing I'm not really not sure.

Being a mother of twins, as well as mother of two singletons you do learn a different parenting skill set with twins, and I can understand her belief that she be able to cope with the class and her twins.

The lady running the class is entitled to set the rules she wishes, and so it is probably an over reaction, but I can understand the writer of the article reacting to a sore spot. With twins you're a family of freaks, public property when ever you go out, giving people leave to ask questions about your sex life, (so did you conceive them naturally?) and tell you that if they were in your position they would have killed themselves. After a while it all wears thin, and it hurts when there's yet another activity you are excluded from because you had twins.

So yes, an over-reaction but I can understand why she got her buttons pushed.

[thedivinegoat.livejournal.com]

I think I another reason I'm uneasy, which doesn't really apply to this situation because it sounds like most people signing up for it have money, is the assumption that children should always be able to have 1:1 adult supervision, which in single parent families is laughable, especially as they frequently are least able to afford to hire childcare as lot of people are suggesting.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but it makes me uncomfortable that a lot of people's response is "hire a babysitter".

[pandarus.livejournal.com]

afaic the twin discrimination thing is pretty much bollocks.

Yes, I understand her personal frustration, because she's got to wrangle twice as much baby as Jo Q Averagemom. But teachers/people taking responsibility for running children's activities DO get to charge for their services per child, regardless of whether any two kids are neighbours, cousins or identical twins, and they also get to set out what they consider to be an appropriate minimum level of adult supervision. Which, okay, mostly isn't a 1:1 ratio - but especially in America, where suing people seems to be the most popular national sport, I absolutely can't blame them for covering their asses.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

Re: The twins article:

You're not missing anything. That lady is an overprivileged twit.

[yamx]

You know what I can't get myself to rewatch? Children of Earth.

It's a total tragedy, because I LOVED it so much, and I pre-ordered the DVDs so I'd get them the minute they came out, and it's one of the ebst pieces of television (imo) I've ever seen (yes, I know opinion on CoE are divided. I'm in the "that was fucking amazing") camp.

But every time I pull out the DVDs, I think about how I felt (I was so fucked-up I had to write an aftermath fic for catharsis before I was even able to start stopping to think about it all the time), and the riot scene, and Jack's eyes in that scene with Steven, and I decide to watch something else instead.

I want to re-watch it, dammit. It's one of my favorite TV things EVER. Plus, now that I've been to Cardiff, I want to look out for places I recognize (I rewatched the first two season within ten days of coming back.)

But every time try, I fail.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I also loved it, and have only rewatched it in conference settings or bits and pieces for scholarly reasons. Although, I am less afraid of going through the emotional journey I went through last time, than, somehow, because I've done so much scholarly writing about it, _not_ going through that journey with it. And that would be the worst thing.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

Re: the twins, I expect that there are some lonely seniors in her neighborhood who would love an outing. If I needed another pair of hands to work with two kids, I would ask my neighbors' mother, I would ask one of the home schooled teens down the street... I wouldn't complain about it. I'd find a way around it and then I'd write an article about it. It could be a lovely experience for all involved.

As a pre-school teacher, and a Y employee, I've noticed that lot of parents don't recognize how many times a day someone else has to step in when their kids are out in public.

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

OK, this one I have to address. It's lovely if you live in a community or other situation where it's possible to "find a way around it" by asking neighbors for free labor, but not all parents of twins have that as an option. I scramble all the time for free daytime help to take my twins to the park for an hour, for example. I know my neighbors and know lots of people who know lots of people, but few of them are both available daytimes and also willing and physically able to cope with two very active two-year-olds. And someone consistent/reliable enough to do a class? Forget it, or else I'd be going once a week to the tumbling space instead of waiting wistfully until they turn three.

I'm not really complaining, and I think the NYT author was way out of line and then some. But it's just not this simple, sorry.

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

I got this comment on my journal a few days ago, and I've been mulling it over how best to respond to it. And the truth is, I'm not sure how to. I definitely think it deserves a response, I just don't know how to respond to it.

http://dr-is-in.livejournal.com/338448.html?thread=1910288#t1910288

[rm.livejournal.com]

If it were me?

"The queer community is not a monolith, and bullying is always wrong. Many people in oppressed communities have internalized self-hatred and standards of the dominant culture (not saying this is the case with you, trying to describe the larger context), that can make people facing the same oppressions not just have different opinions, but be on truly on different sides of the same issue. That's okay, incivility isn't. No one can speak for everyone, nor is there one true way or one right answer -- that's what we often forget in Internet discourse. But it is unfair to dare someone in this manner, for it also implies this idea of the single correct mode of action, just one that's more to your liking.

Haven't read the story, and am hesitant to speak to a part of the community I am not a direct member of. But bullying is wrong. And people who have harmed you or others supporting a good cause, does not necessarily make that cause less good.

I'm sorry this is hard and complicated shit. I'm even more sorry that people forget that, cruelly."

[thatwordgrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh god, oh god...Pan's Labyrinth. Painfully beautiful film that I NEVER need to see again. Weirdly, because of the hyper-realism of the stepfather and not for the demons in the fantasy world.

Oh and Saving Private Ryan because of my father's history of having been part of the second wave that landed at Normandy. That was a mistake seeing it in the movie theater.

I got that one on DVD for my father a few years ago, and it is still in its wrapper. Oddly, he LOVED Band of Brothers (I suspect because it was about the Air Force and he was Army infantry so he could distance himself) and the follow-on, The Pacific.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I found Pan's Labyrinth really had too, although I don't remember large parts of it. I was interested in what it offered as regards the cost of entering story. On the other hand, I'll remember the dental torture scene, FOREVER. I could rewatch it, but probably only for scholarship purposes or because it was someone else's idea.

[wynkat1313.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes they were just awkward or skinny or whatever else leads to these things."

very much in agreement with this.

for me it wasn't skinny it was fat. I managed to escape the bullies by being friendly with someone in every group - something I didn't realize until later in life. Or maybe I was just not that interesting, heh... who knows, it was a big high school.

my little sister is 12 and living in NY while I live in CA. I get emails and text from her about how hard things are in school because she's the odd one out. She's too pretty, too tall, too smart, too odd for most of them to accept and it hurts. I think the smart part and the fact that she is incredibly socially adept is likely to keep her out of the hands of the bullies. I see it as my job to keep the rest of her sane enough to get through the inner pain of the rest of it until she finds her "people" who ever those may be.

[wynkat1313.livejournal.com]

"And all of this is about sex-negativity and misogyny too."

I've been thinking about this alot. In old Norse culture there was a term Ergi - it meant something along the lines of to receive / to be receptive and was often used to describe the work of Seers in oracular trance. In order to do that work you had to allow the gods in, you had to receive them. While their were male seers, the majority tended to be women. Now, it could be that women were/are more receptive to this sort of energy - a fact I don't buy for a minute, or for a host of other cultural reasons. I do know that when I was first training and learned the word Ergi it was specifically in the context of a negative slur against men who did Sedhir because men were not to be seen as "receptive".

So many of the words we use to denigrate LGBTQ people seem to be based off of words we use to denigrate women. And so many of those words are tied up around our issues with sex. It feels like this massive rubics cube that we have to wiggle and twist in a thousand directions over and over again to try and get everything sorted.

and.... everything else i try typing keeps coming up morbid or obvious, so I am going to stop here and hope that at least makes sense, and maybe adds a smidge to the conversation.

[weirdquark]

I do know that when I was first training and learned the word Ergi it was specifically in the context of a negative slur against men who did Sedhir because men were not to be seen as "receptive".

What I find interesting about this is that there's a bit in the Lokasenna where Odin is insulting Loki because Loki bore children (as a woman). And Loki basically says, "shut up, I know that you've practiced witchcraft." And it's the kind of witchcraft where the man needs to 'take the woman's role' during sex -- in order to be more receptive, I guess.

So that sort of thing is still being used as an insult, but it's also something that the All-Father did. And one might also assume things about who else was involved when the All-Father was taking the woman's role given that a) Odin isn't going to do that with just anyone and b) Loki knows about it.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Because when you're sleeping four hours a night, sweet heaven, do you need physical comfort.

This may explain part of why I get some severe crazy going on if I'm not sleeping well. I get virtually zero physical contact from other human beings. (The dogs, however, are aggressive cuddlers.)

Have I ever told you that I have nightmares about being sent to prison? Like, any variation on that theme you can imagine, I have nightmares about. And I belong to the lucky half of the trans spectrum. Can I punch the NY Dept of Corrections in the fucking mouth now?

[austengirl.livejournal.com]

It's funny, I have no interest in watchingPan's Labyrinth or 28 Days Later ever again. But Children of Men I could watch again. V for Vendetta I positively love and try to re-watch around Bonfire Night every year. I really hope you can come back to that film someday.

One I will never watch again is Sin City. Certain characters and scenes I liked, but others just nauseated me. I've not actually seen any Lars von Trier films and I sort of think it's ok to stay that way.

[sanat.livejournal.com]

I could rewatch maybe all the films listed--Children of Men might upset me, as would Dancer in the Dark. Monster, Blindness, and Brokeback Mountain though, those might give me issues.

[trifles.livejournal.com]

The moment you said poly-romance in the 1930s, I automatically thought of Singin' in the Rain.

[ekatarina.livejournal.com]

Yes, some kids who are bullied turn into bullies themselves. That does not negate what happened to them.

The kid who stabbed me in the glute (I was hanging on the moneky bars at the time) wih a metal geometry compass point was bullied by the same kids who also regularly sabotaged my bike brakes and gear cables. I was generally able to fix my bike or at least walk it home if I couldn't fix it. One day, he wasn't able to fix or didn't notice what they did to his bike.

After waking up from the 14 day coma he was still in traction for another 2 months.

I have a scar. He does too.

Ekatarina