I am Maru, and I have been sitting in a fruit bowl licking myself for over four hours.

So, Patty rec'ed this Yuletide story about Maru. You know, the Japanese cat that does cute things?

Anyway, the story contains the sentence:

I am Maru, and I have been sitting in a fruit bowl licking myself for over four hours.

Maybe I'm tired, but THIS IS THE GREATEST SENTENCE IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER.

Seriously, because just replace "Maru" with the fandom character of your choice. The results are consistently funny.

Observe:

"I am Alec, and I have been sitting in a fruit bowl licking myself for over four hours."
Oh, we just bet you are, Alec.

"I am Jack, and I have been sitting in a fruit bowl licking myself for over four hours."
Well, I suppose you have to keep limber somehow when tentacle aliens aren't readily available.

"I am Tim Gunn, and I have been sitting in a fruit bowl licking myself for over four hours."
So that explains the hair. Sorry, kids, after the Project Runway RPF rec yesterday, I had to.

"I am Ianto Jones, and I have been sitting in a fruit bowl licking myself for over four hours."
The OCD isn't a joke, is it?

"I am Severus Snape, and I have been sitting in a fruit bowl licking myself for over four hours."
Christ, you're bitter. And weird. (said with love!)

See? ENDLESS FUN.

Dogboy & Justine @ The Secret Theater

For those of you wishing to see Dogboy & Justine, my one-act about dominatrixes and head-injuries, tickets are now available from The Secret Theater website.



Dogboy & Justine is part of Act Five: One Acts and is a part of Program 1. Program 1 runs Jan 6 - 9 at 8pm, with an additional matinee at 3:30pm on Jan 9. For $15 you get six plays! I don't know much about the others, but I know one involves a heat-seeking missile that lands in someone's living room and another involves Sarah Palin the night she gets the VP call.

At the end of the performances each night you will have a chance to vote for your favorite plays!

The top plays from Program 1 and Program 2 (which runs Jan 13 - 16), will then be a part of Program 3 Jan 20 - 23.

Because of my vacation, the only way I will get to see my play in action is if it makes it to Program 3.

So:

Go here: https://www.ovationtix.com/trs/cal/1681/1262377800000/prm/
Buy tickets for Jan 6 - 9
Vote!

The theater is located in Queens, one stop from Manhattan on multiple train lines. It's part of a larger arts center with galleries and studios and stuff, so it could be a fun outing!

I saw a rehearsal last night, and it's great. Funny, sad and everyone in the play should be working more than they are, so if you cast stuff, come see them and HIRE THEM... some of the women, it's their first gig in NYC.

One act plays are always hard to get done -- it's a lot of commitment to create 12 minutes of perfection. This cast has, like the rest of us, had some pretty rough stuff happen to them in 2009 and they really, really deserve your support.

If you are able to attend the show and record video of it and get it to me _without_ putting it up on YouTube, let me know, and I will pay for your ticket.

sundries

unicursal has a hole between her inner ear and her brain that shouldn't be there. It's fucking up her health and her finances. Surgery is happening soon, but she needs financial help for related expenses.

I know I promised you all that charity list. I got derailed with the situation with Little, but I will put it up before we leave for the cruise.

I'm also going to post when we return from the cruise about what to do if you want me to boost the signal on things. I'm getting a lot of these requests lately, and I'm all for using the journal for good, but I'm going to be thinking about a formula for doing it and the best way for you to help me help you.

I got asked to do an event in Memphis. Any of you all in Memphis? Would it be cool? It's probably a logistical impossibility and I'll just donate a couple of books instead if they are interested, but I'm really enjoying this traveling and seeing places I'd never think of to go thing, and it's kinda cool. What's in Memphis?

I have just gotten confirmation that the tux will not be released from customs in time for the cruise. Assuming I get it in time, I will wear it to DoV or something, just so it has a run before Gally.

Are you in NYC? Are you gluten-free or have other specific health needs? If so, hurry over to Westside Health Food at 2569 Broadway -- they're going out of business and everything is 30% off. I just got two gluten-free frozen pizzas, two boxes of cookies, a box of brownies and a bos of crackers for under $24, which is EXTREMELY cheap for gluten-free stuff.

Dogboy & Justine information, now with flyer.

Speaking of dogs: on the floor below us lives a pit bull who barks through the door when his owner is not home. The people across the hall from this dog, have just acquired a new yipster, which now barks in return. The stairs are alive with the sound of dog arguments now.

Most Amazing Statistic EVAR: 1 in 5 divorces refer to Facebook.

Do you know what's back soon? My current favorite HBO show, Big Love.

People warned me this would happen: last night I kept thinking I saw Little out of the corner of my eye and then she bapped me with her tail. That's a little creepy. But you know, what else is she going to do but hang out on the couch?

I am fed up to here with fucking security theater. I am fed up with us throwing $$ at a big show designed to make the ignorant feel safer through humiliation. Now the TSA is subpoena'ing bloggers who are posting non-classified public information. I feel like I have to travel with a doctor's note in case I, god forbid, have a celiac reaction while on a flight and need to use the bathroom for more than five minutes. I am angry, angry, angry.

Tomorrow, when we are all no longer the Master, this icon will revert to previous.

I don't really make New Year's Resolutions, but in 2010 I'd like to book/sell more creative work, continue on the road of treating myself and those I care about better, reconnect with the LGBTQ community so that I can learn from other activists as opposed to just trying to teach allies and finish my novel. Probably lots of other stuff too.

Patty comes home TOMORROW.