fanfiction rantariffic

[rm]

ARUGH

I just accidentally deleted this awesome tirade about HP fanfic.

But surely, surely there must be some Snape fic out there -- gen, het, slash -- I don't care, that I haven't read and doesn't suck. Googling for it though, this doesn't appear to be the case.



fanlistings -- stupid stupid stupid. What's the point? A long list of people who like tiny little icons and no content. I'm old. I can't see that shit.

MPREG: Why is it always Snape/Harry? Why doesn't anyone ever get Ron pregnant? That's funny at least. But I'm still not reading it.

Snape/Hermione -- yeah, at least pre-Book 6 that made some sense, and I've been (and am) a fan. But newsflash: You are not the only segment of any fandom ever to be able to string together a sentence. There are other smart people out there. We don't care about your PhD. Well, maybe a little. But did it ever occur to you that some people are creeped out that it's in gifted child education? I'm amused, but, I'm just saying.

Severus Snape does not have a nickname. Or leather pants. Please, give the pants to Draco and a link for something that isn't awful to me.

Slytherin fanfic about cutting: No.
Slytherin fanfic about eating disorders: *glares and taps foot*
Look, we all write to address our shadow selves, but if you want other people to address your shadow selves, give us a reason and suitability to setting. Please.

Stop naming crap "The-random-symbol-of-Innocence and The Snake". The Pink Fuzzy Bunny Slippers and the Snake? So last year.

When incorporating birds into your plot in any way, please, be judicious. The birds thank you, and so do I.

Do not surprise us with the very specific fetishes halfway through a story without warning us. Please. Because your kink is okay. It just might not be okay for my bedtime reading. Thank you!

Please, please please please, I beg you in every way I know how, don't put The Ever So Very True Story of Your Journey into Submission (written in wacky formal voice) in the column next to your fic links. I can't take it. I can't! I can't! Especially when your handle is "hisgoodlittlewhore87". HAVE SOME FUCKING CREATIVITY.

Snape as self-hating Jew: boring.
Flame wars about whether Tom Riddle would look good in a Nazi uniform: boring.
Flame wars about Godwin's Law: apparently inevitable.
20 GOTO 10
RUN

Snape's Italian grandmother and her cooking: Stop it right now.

Wizards are not Wiccans. Now write that 1,000 times. Now do it again. Thank you!

Arguments about chan: boring.
Arguments about what chan is: stupid.

The "Can Wizards Get AIDS?" debate: All you have to do is make a choice and run with it. It's not that hard, nor that interesting.

Number 1 sign I shouldn't read your fanfic? You've adopted Potter, Snape or Malfoy as the last name for your handle. Even more egregious if you lack a first name -- i.e., Mrs. Potter, Ms. Snape or Lady Malfoy.

Number 2 sign I shouldn't read your fanfic? LotR cross-over. Extra points for LotRPS. Orlando Bloom Goes to Hogwarts is _not_ my idea of a good time.

Number 3 sign? Dude, you know people in the 70s did stuff, other than, like, take heroin, right? Okay, well, if you didn't know, now you do. Congratulations.

Dude, I don't care how darkity dark dark you are -- dark red text on black? Unreadable.

Die songfic, die. If you involve Bon Jovi lyrics, die again. Twice.

Yeah, okay, the sex magic plot device is just too easy. But if you're actually going to make it a plot device as opposed to a weak excuse for porn (which is _fine_) come up with something other than "if we don't shag, we can't break out of Azkaban and/or this cell we've been put in by Death Eaters" because really boys and girls, where's the suspense in that?

Look, if you're going to use snippets of a language you don't speak, you're taking a big risk, and in many cases I respect that. If the language doesn't use the English alphabet, you're working against a lot, and if you've done your research, even if you're wrong, I'm pretty chill with it. But for fuck's sake, if you're going to throw in some French, it's not that hard to get it right. Just ask someone.

Just because Snape is a potions teacher doesn't mean you need to waste a paragraph of your story considering the possible magical ingredients in lube. 1. It's boring. 2. Some stupid fourteen-year-old out there is giong to try to make that shit. Oh... wait... maybe you're even more of an asshole than I am. Okay. Cheers to you then.


*whimpers sadly*

Now, anyone have some recs that won't make my eyes bleed or my brain cells die?

Comments

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Brave enough to try my unfinished opus of mean-girl-ish Slytherin stuff?

I know nothing about the fanfic communities, I admit. Like Slashdot, I would read something if it was recommended by someone I trusted, but I don't even know other sane, smart people who read HP fanfic and rec it.

And what was the link to yours again? I read part of it and misplaced it in a browser crash.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Sure, like, I know you're a human and can form sentences, so yes, I would love a look see.

The thing Kali and I are writing lives at descensus_hp

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Ooh, goodie, reading material!

I wish I could write mine in order; I tend to write the good or easy bits first. Can the email attached to your LJ account take a Word doc?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Yes indeedy.

We've been writing somewhat out of order too actually. We've been forcing ourselves to write the long chapters in order, because we're discovering stuff as we go, but we have random snippets, that mostly predate the events of the saga that we've been writing as shorts. Some of them are posted on the journal at present, others will be posted later, as they coincide/inform/reflect on events in the main epic.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. I am greatly amused.

[rm.livejournal.com]

You have no help for my woe though, do you?

And I keep adding to the list; the horror never stops.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

The only fanfic I am reading at the moment is the Young!SevAndLily fic that an author you mentioned above is writing. It's actually really, really good. If you want, I can poke her and see if she will add you to her happy land of fanfic posting. (She is trying to be hermitty and not eaten alive by people... again.)

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ah, I know of whom you speak, and really, that was not a dig at her, but the surrounding maelstrom (the "I'm getting my PhD too!" flamewar was my favourite, ever).

I'd like to see someone who doesn't suck take a stab at a plotline that has always worried me in cannon and terrified me in fanfic. Maybe there is hope?

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know. It still fries my brain to think about that.

Perhaps. However, I have fairly little hope for fanfic in general at this point. I've read some stuff that mijra has directed me to, and for every great moment ("Ah! Great use of Hegel!") there's another where's-my-Draught-of-Living-Death-when-I-need-it moment ("Three buttons are not going to hold up ten yards of heavy brocade in anybody's universe!").

I will email her; I expect she will add you.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

There's a seperate list of weird HP fanfic truisms I need to make. LIke Hermione is _always_ really busty. What's with that?

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

Most welcome. :)

I really have no idea, although I am minded of that SNL skit. (As a result, all my non-HP-consuming friends IRL think of Hermione as "that chick with really big breasts.")

[rm.livejournal.com]

I think I missed that SNL skit. There was an SNL skit? *cowers*

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

Oh man. It's greatness!

(link to video)

[realtsunamigirl.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

I don't play in the HP ficdom, but I do vacation in the Buffyverse. Same pile of refuse, different pile.

And by the way am I the only one who's noticed that if you're going to read erotic fic (and really, who doesn't) that slash as a whole tends to be better written than het? I think its the general reduction in squeeing fangirls. This could also be just me.

Great list. I feel your pain:-)

*via my roommate's journal*

[rm.livejournal.com]

I think part of the problem with het is that people start writing it younger as a rule, and more often as wish fufillment. So more intentional Mary Sues and bad mechanics. Of course, that bit of rationality can't even begin to account for the sheer horror of a lot of it.

[realtsunamigirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, I agree whole heartedly about why. It just means that it can be more readily avoided.

Of course bad slash is so bad you want to bleach your eyeballs.

Someone wrote a hilarious story where a fanfic writer is sucked into the Buffyverse. She roles with the punches and is having some fun until she comes to the horrifying realisation that she is, in fact, a Mary Sue.

A really *bad* Mary Sue.

*shudder*

[orien.livejournal.com]

Have you read this?

http://www.intertexius.com/series.shtml

[rm.livejournal.com]

I have not. Thank you for bringing hope into my world.

[orien.livejournal.com]

It's extremely long and I've enjoyed almost all of it. It has moments of being a bit trite and sometimes you do want to beat Harry with a stick, but I've stuck with it through all its many chapters.

Also, Harry turns into a cat.

Also, this story made me cry like a girl. Twice.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ooooooooooooooooh. This story! I shall take a stab.

[meirion.livejournal.com]

i've been enjoying that one too, for some time.

-m-

[rm.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm well into this now, and yes... it really grows on you. Part of me is like "Why? why?" but yes, it has something to it, several things that make it a nice little read though.

Thank you.

[rufus.livejournal.com]

I've found that of all the things I hate in fic, it's fic that is set in a Sims-style Potterverse that will drive me around the twist the most rapidly.

I haven't read very much fic involving Snape (yet), largely because I have become obsessed with 1970s Hogwarts from the Marauders perspective, especially Remus/Sirius.

I've been thinking more and more about how adult wizarding politics overlay the children's experiences; I have theories pushing around but I seem to be hung up on getting the actual dialogue out. Mainly I have a deep frustration at the idea that Remus/Sirius fannon only rarely mentions the Gryffindors having any suspicions about the fledgling Dark wizard in their midst.

The only Really Good Snape I've found so far is yours , and perhaps one or two others in a Severus/Remus pairing, but those are usually post-Veil fics and would probably cause your head to explode.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I have a soft spot for well done Severus/Remus for all sorts of reasons, so I might be interested, especially since I've not seen anything in that pairing since Book 4 branches.

[blucrowlaughing.livejournal.com]

Amen!

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

Oh god, this made me cry, wet wet tears of shame. At humanity.