fanfiction rantariffic
Oct. 14th, 2005 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rmARUGH
I just accidentally deleted this awesome tirade about HP fanfic.
But surely, surely there must be some Snape fic out there -- gen, het, slash -- I don't care, that I haven't read and doesn't suck. Googling for it though, this doesn't appear to be the case.
fanlistings -- stupid stupid stupid. What's the point? A long list of people who like tiny little icons and no content. I'm old. I can't see that shit.
MPREG: Why is it always Snape/Harry? Why doesn't anyone ever get Ron pregnant? That's funny at least. But I'm still not reading it.
Snape/Hermione -- yeah, at least pre-Book 6 that made some sense, and I've been (and am) a fan. But newsflash: You are not the only segment of any fandom ever to be able to string together a sentence. There are other smart people out there. We don't care about your PhD. Well, maybe a little. But did it ever occur to you that some people are creeped out that it's in gifted child education? I'm amused, but, I'm just saying.
Severus Snape does not have a nickname. Or leather pants. Please, give the pants to Draco and a link for something that isn't awful to me.
Slytherin fanfic about cutting: No.
Slytherin fanfic about eating disorders: *glares and taps foot*
Look, we all write to address our shadow selves, but if you want other people to address your shadow selves, give us a reason and suitability to setting. Please.
Stop naming crap "The-random-symbol-of-Innocence and The Snake". The Pink Fuzzy Bunny Slippers and the Snake? So last year.
When incorporating birds into your plot in any way, please, be judicious. The birds thank you, and so do I.
Do not surprise us with the very specific fetishes halfway through a story without warning us. Please. Because your kink is okay. It just might not be okay for my bedtime reading. Thank you!
Please, please please please, I beg you in every way I know how, don't put The Ever So Very True Story of Your Journey into Submission (written in wacky formal voice) in the column next to your fic links. I can't take it. I can't! I can't! Especially when your handle is "hisgoodlittlewhore87". HAVE SOME FUCKING CREATIVITY.
Snape as self-hating Jew: boring.
Flame wars about whether Tom Riddle would look good in a Nazi uniform: boring.
Flame wars about Godwin's Law: apparently inevitable.
20 GOTO 10
RUN
Snape's Italian grandmother and her cooking: Stop it right now.
Wizards are not Wiccans. Now write that 1,000 times. Now do it again. Thank you!
Arguments about chan: boring.
Arguments about what chan is: stupid.
The "Can Wizards Get AIDS?" debate: All you have to do is make a choice and run with it. It's not that hard, nor that interesting.
Number 1 sign I shouldn't read your fanfic? You've adopted Potter, Snape or Malfoy as the last name for your handle. Even more egregious if you lack a first name -- i.e., Mrs. Potter, Ms. Snape or Lady Malfoy.
Number 2 sign I shouldn't read your fanfic? LotR cross-over. Extra points for LotRPS. Orlando Bloom Goes to Hogwarts is _not_ my idea of a good time.
Number 3 sign? Dude, you know people in the 70s did stuff, other than, like, take heroin, right? Okay, well, if you didn't know, now you do. Congratulations.
Dude, I don't care how darkity dark dark you are -- dark red text on black? Unreadable.
Die songfic, die. If you involve Bon Jovi lyrics, die again. Twice.
Yeah, okay, the sex magic plot device is just too easy. But if you're actually going to make it a plot device as opposed to a weak excuse for porn (which is _fine_) come up with something other than "if we don't shag, we can't break out of Azkaban and/or this cell we've been put in by Death Eaters" because really boys and girls, where's the suspense in that?
Look, if you're going to use snippets of a language you don't speak, you're taking a big risk, and in many cases I respect that. If the language doesn't use the English alphabet, you're working against a lot, and if you've done your research, even if you're wrong, I'm pretty chill with it. But for fuck's sake, if you're going to throw in some French, it's not that hard to get it right. Just ask someone.
Just because Snape is a potions teacher doesn't mean you need to waste a paragraph of your story considering the possible magical ingredients in lube. 1. It's boring. 2. Some stupid fourteen-year-old out there is giong to try to make that shit. Oh... wait... maybe you're even more of an asshole than I am. Okay. Cheers to you then.
*whimpers sadly*
Now, anyone have some recs that won't make my eyes bleed or my brain cells die?
I just accidentally deleted this awesome tirade about HP fanfic.
But surely, surely there must be some Snape fic out there -- gen, het, slash -- I don't care, that I haven't read and doesn't suck. Googling for it though, this doesn't appear to be the case.
fanlistings -- stupid stupid stupid. What's the point? A long list of people who like tiny little icons and no content. I'm old. I can't see that shit.
MPREG: Why is it always Snape/Harry? Why doesn't anyone ever get Ron pregnant? That's funny at least. But I'm still not reading it.
Snape/Hermione -- yeah, at least pre-Book 6 that made some sense, and I've been (and am) a fan. But newsflash: You are not the only segment of any fandom ever to be able to string together a sentence. There are other smart people out there. We don't care about your PhD. Well, maybe a little. But did it ever occur to you that some people are creeped out that it's in gifted child education? I'm amused, but, I'm just saying.
Severus Snape does not have a nickname. Or leather pants. Please, give the pants to Draco and a link for something that isn't awful to me.
Slytherin fanfic about cutting: No.
Slytherin fanfic about eating disorders: *glares and taps foot*
Look, we all write to address our shadow selves, but if you want other people to address your shadow selves, give us a reason and suitability to setting. Please.
Stop naming crap "The-random-symbol-of-Innocence and The Snake". The Pink Fuzzy Bunny Slippers and the Snake? So last year.
When incorporating birds into your plot in any way, please, be judicious. The birds thank you, and so do I.
Do not surprise us with the very specific fetishes halfway through a story without warning us. Please. Because your kink is okay. It just might not be okay for my bedtime reading. Thank you!
Please, please please please, I beg you in every way I know how, don't put The Ever So Very True Story of Your Journey into Submission (written in wacky formal voice) in the column next to your fic links. I can't take it. I can't! I can't! Especially when your handle is "hisgoodlittlewhore87". HAVE SOME FUCKING CREATIVITY.
Snape as self-hating Jew: boring.
Flame wars about whether Tom Riddle would look good in a Nazi uniform: boring.
Flame wars about Godwin's Law: apparently inevitable.
20 GOTO 10
RUN
Snape's Italian grandmother and her cooking: Stop it right now.
Wizards are not Wiccans. Now write that 1,000 times. Now do it again. Thank you!
Arguments about chan: boring.
Arguments about what chan is: stupid.
The "Can Wizards Get AIDS?" debate: All you have to do is make a choice and run with it. It's not that hard, nor that interesting.
Number 1 sign I shouldn't read your fanfic? You've adopted Potter, Snape or Malfoy as the last name for your handle. Even more egregious if you lack a first name -- i.e., Mrs. Potter, Ms. Snape or Lady Malfoy.
Number 2 sign I shouldn't read your fanfic? LotR cross-over. Extra points for LotRPS. Orlando Bloom Goes to Hogwarts is _not_ my idea of a good time.
Number 3 sign? Dude, you know people in the 70s did stuff, other than, like, take heroin, right? Okay, well, if you didn't know, now you do. Congratulations.
Dude, I don't care how darkity dark dark you are -- dark red text on black? Unreadable.
Die songfic, die. If you involve Bon Jovi lyrics, die again. Twice.
Yeah, okay, the sex magic plot device is just too easy. But if you're actually going to make it a plot device as opposed to a weak excuse for porn (which is _fine_) come up with something other than "if we don't shag, we can't break out of Azkaban and/or this cell we've been put in by Death Eaters" because really boys and girls, where's the suspense in that?
Look, if you're going to use snippets of a language you don't speak, you're taking a big risk, and in many cases I respect that. If the language doesn't use the English alphabet, you're working against a lot, and if you've done your research, even if you're wrong, I'm pretty chill with it. But for fuck's sake, if you're going to throw in some French, it's not that hard to get it right. Just ask someone.
Just because Snape is a potions teacher doesn't mean you need to waste a paragraph of your story considering the possible magical ingredients in lube. 1. It's boring. 2. Some stupid fourteen-year-old out there is giong to try to make that shit. Oh... wait... maybe you're even more of an asshole than I am. Okay. Cheers to you then.
*whimpers sadly*
Now, anyone have some recs that won't make my eyes bleed or my brain cells die?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-14 05:29 am (UTC)I don't play in the HP ficdom, but I do vacation in the Buffyverse. Same pile of refuse, different pile.
And by the way am I the only one who's noticed that if you're going to read erotic fic (and really, who doesn't) that slash as a whole tends to be better written than het? I think its the general reduction in squeeing fangirls. This could also be just me.
Great list. I feel your pain:-)
*via my roommate's journal*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-14 05:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-14 06:12 am (UTC)Of course bad slash is so bad you want to bleach your eyeballs.
Someone wrote a hilarious story where a fanfic writer is sucked into the Buffyverse. She roles with the punches and is having some fun until she comes to the horrifying realisation that she is, in fact, a Mary Sue.
A really *bad* Mary Sue.
*shudder*