rm | what is going on

My computer died. I called, in quite callous a fashion I'm sorry to say, my computer guru and he thinks that it's fixible, if I had a system CD (I don't) and a working CD drive (I don't). I am currently typing this on a borrowed computer via dialup -- I can't even, I'm not sure why, figure out how to get it hooked up successfully to the cable modem. I am not used to feeling this helpless and I can't stand it.

Tomorrow I have to go price a new computer, which I can't afford. I just need word processing and Internet -- and I'll just accept I guess that my photoshop is gone and turn the scanner over to Kali, since it's really only for Descensus anyway.

I am trying, very very hard, not to beat myself up over this. It's not within my control. It's not happening to punish me. God, and especially my Gods, doesn't/don't hate fags. It's all cool. Of course, all of this would be less of a financial problem if I hadn't just done all this non-refundable Phoenix Rising stuff. I waiver between hating myself for that and being glad I did it -- because if these events had happened in the other order I wouldn't be going, and in my bones, I know going is a good thing.

So this is me struggling. The machine is my income, and I have to at least be able to get this loaner machine onto the cable modem or I have a serious problem. If I can do that, the rest can be solved.

Meanwhile, all my writing is gone or at least locked away from me until the machine can be fixed or I can afford to have data recovery done.

I am freaking out.