(no subject)

[rm]

It's not even noon and I feel like a superhero with a chronic sinus condition. Sinuses not related to superhero-ness.

Unrelatedly, I really hate when people get all suicidal on LJ. I don't mean to make it sound like an inconvenience -- that's not what I mean. D. announced he was going to kill himself on MySpace and either no one noticed or everyone just thought he was being a goth, so when other people do things that can be construed similarly, I tend to freak out, because wow, people just look the other way. I've 911'ed on someone's suicide threats twice in my life, and of course, in both cases, later they were all like "that's not what I meant" which was entirely not true -- everyone I knew backed me up on it, but it was horrible, and this stuff just freaks me out. Especially as most people do just look the other goddamn way. Better safe than sorry -- I mean it's someone's life for fuck's sake. It boggles my mind that people are more afraid of being embarassed than someone DYING.

Man, it's been a day already, hasn't it?

I'm listening to Scottish music, chugging Airborne and wondering what else Monday is going to bring.

Comments

[fuyukodachi.livejournal.com]

Last time I tried to talk to someone about feeling suicidal and having lost the will to live, they screamed at me. This has happened to me with four different people. Otherwise, people ignore me. I think being screamed at makes me feel worse, particularly when I went to all of these people because I needed help talking myself out of it, and told them that.

I've never posted a "good-bye, cruel world" note. Like most people, when I was serious, I was doing it by myself. I wasn't killing myself at anything, or anyone, which I think a lot of the internet dramabombs are. I am probably some weird 1% of the population in this.

I have lost people to suicide. I have lost people to other forms of sudden, surprise death. I know how horrible it is, and I don't particularly want to put my wife through that. But I really need more of a drive to survive than that, and that was why I'd try to talk to people.

I've been feeling this way on a regular basis since I was 12; I don't suppose there's much point in getting upset or concerned, anymore, but when I specifically reach out to someone because it's really bad this time, or my circumstances feel really dangerous, it's unbelievably shitty to get ignored or screamed at. I really hate being told that I'm selfish, or being dramatic. I'm not entirely sure what's dramatic about a quiet and private conversation with someone I supposedly an trust. I'm also not sure what's selfish about asking someone for help so I don't fuck up the lives of people I love.

I've been dealing with this feeling this way most of the time lately. Yesterday was a frightening day. My mood about the whole song and dance is a little fresh, because I kept wanting to tell people help me yesterday, and couldn't or wouldn't because I didn't want to upset them, and there was nothing they could have done, anyway.

[hangedwoman.livejournal.com]

I understand. I've been there since I was at least 8. And I understand the difference between "good-bye cruel world" and "I need help."