cruise: have a plan

[rm]

So we utterly loved the cruise. It was exactly what we needed, and we had really remarkable luck in choosing the right excursions and trips (both with the cruise line and on our own). The food was better than I was led to expect; the gluten-free stuff went reasonably well; and we had some great spa treatments. I attempted to snorkel for the first time, and wasn't very successful at it, but did, thanks to Patty's reassurances and help see some awesome fish. She did more advanced stuff and even saw a sea-turtle. I'll probably explain more of what our actual vacation was like in a future post as we start to post pictures. Right now, I sort of want to talk about cruise strategy if you're, well, people like us.

Cruises are extraordinarily heteronormative. (More on that later).
Cruises are also extraordinarily white (digression: I will note that the PoC on the cruise did tend to be closer to our ages -- we were some of the youngest people on the boat not traveling with other family, and we were asked often why we were (or if we were) comfortable with that. I spent a lot of time mentioning my age, because people tend to assume I'm much younger than I am).

Meanwhile, many Caribbean destinations are much more diverse and/or mostly Places of Color, and some of them are quite poor (Turks & Caicos and the Dominican Republic being the two that caused issues as described below).

And then you eat dinner with strangers in the cruise ship dining room....

I really would have thought that the combination of us being from NYC, obviously (I think) queer, and my often wearing a suit in the dining room would give people the idea that maybe we are "liberals" and they shouldn't ask our opinions on things like poverty, Muslims and the decreasing rates of reproduction by white people with the expectation that we would confirm their fears and bigotry.

Okay, well, ACTUALLY, I REALLY would have thought that common decency and sense would prevent people from holding the opinions they did in the first place, but that notion got shot down REALLY fast.

Because I would be wrong. SO WRONG.

So here's my advice to you if you go on a cruise:

Have a plan.

Are you going to challenge this stuff or do the confused thing so people either have to say something awful or back down? Because seriously, to me going to these beautiful places with these varying economies and social situations was to me a call to action that was an entirely appropriate part of my vacation, not some horrible inconvenience, as many people at dinner seemed to indicate. People want these trips, but they also don't want to have to see poverty! We were in Semana in the Dominican Republic (which we loved, btw, although few other people on the cruise did) about five days before the Haiti earthquake which transpired when we were about 90 miles away -- I actually saw it on CNN a couple of hours later when we were passing between it and Cuba).

Additionally, if you're gay, think about how you're going to introduce yourselves (another couple introduced themselves as "I'm so-and-so and this is my partner so-and-so" -- I find the level of possession in that discussion to be awkward, I also don't feel like heterosexual couples have to do that stuff -- it's obvious, right? -- so why should we?). I personally found it hard to know if we were not being out enough, or if we were being awesome and normalizing by assuming people were smart enough to get it. I'm still not sure, and I'll take this moment to note this is one of those "if you're not gay, you haven't had this experience and it's hard to describe to you" moments. Would you want to have to think about these things in your vacation? You would not. (And yes, I mention this so as to refer back to it later when I finally weigh-in on the latest fandom/slash/queer fethishization discussion/fuckery).

But, anyway. We loved it and are planning to do an eleven day one to the windward islands in 2011.

Comments

[rm.livejournal.com]

We actually got no questions about our relationship that weren't friendly, but I did feel people were blind to it at times if we didn't mention it (even if I kissed her on the lips) and people often asked if we were sisters (when I think they wanted to ask if we were gay).

Since you're Mexican, I'm guessing your going to be asked for expertise you may or may not have at dinner a lot.

Also, if your cruise is like ours expect a lot of "those people need to keep their country cleaner" bullshit.

[wordkink.livejournal.com]

That's good to hear at least. Since my wife has red hair, I think the question of our being related will be a non-issue but I'm now sort of looking forward to whatever bizarre explanations people will come up with for our being together.

What I'm really expecting is that people will assume I'm not Mexican since my English is entirely unaccented and that I will be handed opportunities to pass as a "better" minority by agreeing with them on how "quaint" or "backward" everything can be.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

...people often asked if we were sisters (when I think they wanted to ask if we were gay).

Oh, I guess that makes my anecdote less funny. Anna and I at least thought it was at the time, and just laughed and raised our eyebrows at whomever asked. It just never occurred to me at the time that perhaps the question about our relationship was masking an underlying curiosity about the nature of our sexuality.

[lawsontl.livejournal.com]

I think sometimes people do that because they are curious, they have the human need to put you in some sort of box so they know how to deal with you until they get to know you better. A lot of people are raised to believe talking about sex is rude, though sex and sexuality are two very different things. It may just be their way of trying NOT to offend, without realizing that, in so doing, they are being offensive in another way.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

I didn't think anyone was trying to be offensive about it. Mostly, Anna and I were amused because despite our blond hair and blue eyes and white-ness, we didn't look anything alike. And we greatly relished the slightly scandalized looks we'd get when we'd tell them, "No, we're a couple." Maybe we should have been more concerned about their heteronormative obsessions, but we just liked to give people shit for being uptight.

[zestfive.livejournal.com]

I can top the sister thing! My partner and I were about to take the subway in DC when some guy walked up to us and said "Twins"?!?! Of course being from Minnesota I thought that some how he magically identified us as MN born but in fact after he left, I realized he thought her and I were twins. She loved it being 11 years older than me, I was just confused!

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

Anna and I did get the twin-thing on a couple of occasions, but being closer in age to one another, it wasn't quite so amusing in comparison for us. But wow...eleven years' difference, and he thought you were TWINS?? I hope your partner took that as a compliment. ;-)

[kargashina.livejournal.com]

Dude, people always think my brother and I are married. Ugh. But i think it be that they think an erroneous sibling id is less offensive than as a couple if they're wrong. And I guess that's exactly the problem. I'm thrilled when people think my friend is my girlfriend; people assume I'm straight so much.

[unicursal.livejournal.com]

hey jess! fancy meeting you here! see- it was the husband and kids that made me assume heteronormality. ahem, would have had a lot more fun with the king size bed at 12th night. speaking of, going to SD in 2 weeks for 4 whole days!