on helping people

[rm]

I've been trying to avoid this situation for a while, and it's not working.

I try to post links when people need help because I have a friendslist of 1,100 people, some of whom actually read this thing and some of whom on given days in given circumstances are willing and able to provide assistance, whether that's financial, logistical, advice, etc.

And I don't really have a system for posting those things. If I see something that seems like a problem the Internet can solve, I tend to post it, although sometimes I forget (i.e., the now more awful than it was before case of the late Steve Perry).

I can't vet everything for a scam, because, hey, I'm not a private detective. And what seems a worthy cause or a good plan to me may not seem one to you. That's cool. That's how it goes. I have the luxury of making a mistake with my $5. A lot of people don't. And a lot of people who do, don't want to. That's all chill. And way not my business.

What's not chill is stuff where I'm being insulted or told I must do something or told I must do something in a certain way (all of which has happened lately mostly in private communication. What this isn't is me harshing on anyone's public, cordial skepticism. Charity doesn't work without skeptics and vetting, and those functions are important too. This is a response to both a too-much-email problem and a nastygram problem).

Whether you engage with these things or not, isn't my business. And whether I donate or not in these circumstances, isn't yours (sometimes I do, sometimes I don't). And certainly, I never, ever want to mislead anyone.

But now I'm getting not only an increase in requests, but an increase in criticism about what I both do and don't link to, and that isn't helping anyone.

Additionally, I'm keenly aware that too many such things dilutes the level of action people are willing to take, which also falls into the area of "not helping."

So here's the new rules, which quite frankly are about the same as the old rules, other than I'm going to say "no" a lot more (something which, frankly, annoys me to have to do):

1. If I've never met you in person -- whether you're the asker or asking on behalf of someone else -- please take the no graciously when I say no. And mostly, these days, I'm going to say no. (BTW, knowing me doesn't mean your thing is definitely going to get in; it just means that our conversation about it may be different if it doesn't).

2. If I've met you in person and the request is for a third party, feel free to ask and sometimes I'll say yes.

3. If it is a fandom auction or similar -- i.e., there's an exchange of something for assistance -- that I will link to no questions asked beyond it being for a reasonable cause (i.e., don't bring me political/social causes that I oppose or the auction to benefit your random vacation).

4. If we've never met and I've posted links on your behalf in the context of an ongoing issue, I may be willing to do so again. It's chill to ask.

5. My blog, my whims. Sometimes I'm gonna break my rules because something grabs me. So it goes.

And yes, I still have to do ALL THE HTML EVER to put together that awesome list of charities I had you all recommend a while back.

Any questions?

Comments

[austengirl.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this. I think I'm too new to have seen a previous version/rules post, but they make perfect sense to me. From what I can tell, your signal boosting has done a lot of good.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

The thing is there were no previous rules, which is part of how this has become a problem.

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

If you need help coding for the list of charities, I can help out.

I feel bad you are being attacked about the postings (partly because I think its over the one from last night).

I may need help depending on what happens in Rochester tomorrow (I am scared of them doing the right heart cath on Bill because his breathing is really not stable, but they need to do it so they can see whats going on with his heart and lungs). I'll have the laptop with me and will have internet access at Harbor House, so I'll post word to my journal. Joan (the house mom at Harbor House) is trying to get me reduced rate help for my room.

[rm.livejournal.com]

We have got to find a long-term plan for you. Maybe you need a fandom auction -- you certainly do a lot for the community.

And just so you don't feel guilty, this situation has been building for a while and isn't really about that (which has been an out in the open and civil conversation as far as I can see).

[dr-is-in.livejournal.com]

RE: long term help

Most likely, as I am going to be out of work for at least another 2 months. We're working on housing (got on a waiting list for assistance) and I am currently fighting with the foodstamps people who are being pricks about me being forced to take a leave of absence from work. They've actually got us off at the moment and are forcing us to re-certify and aren't making it easy despite the letter from my boss stating they made me take leave (but aren't paying me). Rent was taken care of this month by the Lourdes Foundation, but I am trying to figure out whats going to happen for July and August. I actually piled up all the paperwork I've filled out this month (along with the documentation each form needed) and it came to almost a foot tall. I HATE paperwork.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

We have similar rules.

I say "No" a lot because I have a large f-list and I end up having to pick and choose and failing to make the "right" choice can get messy. I'm not a big fan of messy.

You're better off.

Seriously.

[mellacita.livejournal.com]

My blog, my whims. Sometimes I'm gonna break my rules because something grabs me. So it goes.

That really should be the only rule.

I used to do this sort of thing a lot. Organize collections, auctions, whatever, and boost signals. It gets exhausting when people start questioning your motives or get angry that you are supporting one person and not the other, or decide to start ranking and comparing degrees of catastrophe. I am sorry people are doing it to you.

Your signal boosting has helped a lot of starfishes on that starfish-covered beach, though, don't forget that. There have been people many of us reading have found out about and been able to help thanks to you. And while focusing efforts on giving to intermediaries who can leverage funds into policy and structural change will always be what gets big stuff done, sometimes just getting little stuff done can mean a lot, too.

[laufeyette.livejournal.com]

Not totally related, but kind of. Thanks for posting so much about the oil spill. ♥

[kshandra]

the now more awful than it was before case of the late Steve Perry

I'd missed the confirmation of this as a homicide while I was wrapped up in BayCon prep. Fuck. I'm going to go throw things for a while, now.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

And I just now heard this as well. Too much in pain to throw anything after last night's walk.

[newsbean.livejournal.com]

I have been able to help many of the people you post about. And it has made my life better. Thank you for being willing to boost the signal, even though it's a bit of a drain on you. I hope that you continue doing so - at least to some extent - because I don't hear about the need anywhere else.

People's incessant need to break good things is tiring and old. I'm sorry that people are being rude to you privately. It's uncalled for.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

And this isn't me harshing, btw, on anyone's public, cordial skepticism. Charity doesn't work without skeptics and vetting.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

You take on a lot of responsibility in this wired world. It makes me crazy that people aren't more respectful of the time and effort.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I second this.

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

Completely understandable, but know that I at least always appreciate your signal boosting. I may not always have the spare money to give, but it's always heartening to see you post something and then a few days later see that the internet has managed to help someone out.

[aviv-b.livejournal.com]

Hey you are just putting the information out there. Its up to each one of us to decide whether we want to give. You are not responsible if someone make a bad choice or misses out on another good choice.

No one likes to get scammed, but my philosophy is I give because its the right thing to do. I see it as an act of faith between me and my creator. What the person who receives the money does with it is between them and their creator. I can only control my side of the bargain.

[cpolk.livejournal.com]

As someone who is just coming up on her one year anniversary of That Time The Internet Totally Saved my Ass:

If you feel like signal boosting, that's entirely up to you, and you get to choose who gets boosted and who doesn't by your own irrational and arbitrary whim, thank you very much.

you have a big f-list, which is a tool for getting the word out, and it's effective. When i first posted that message to my LJ, i had F-Locked it with the intention of letting people know that bad stuff was going down with me and that I didn't know what i was going to do and that I would keep people updated as it was possible to get updated.

A friend of mine, a good friend with a big f-list and a large twitter following, told me to unlock it, put a paypal button on that puppy, and passed it on to the world. She didn't have to do that. I didn't post with the expectation of getting people to bail me out, but they did, oh they helped me so much - not just with what they could spare in my paypal account but in the outpouring of support and compassion from strangers.

That's a gift. And i have a real thing about gifts, and folks who have it in them to give.

Sometimes, when i feel isolated, lonely, and sad - I go to that folder in my mail program that holds every single message i got from that time, and i read them, and remember that people care about what happens to other people. Even people they don't know.

That's the real gift I got. And I'm glad you have the ability to make something like that happen for somebody else.

[firefly124.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry people have been giving you trouble. I think it's awesome that you do as much signal-boosting as you do. Your rules make perfect sense, and I hope they'll help keep things civil and sane for you.

[perlandria.livejournal.com]

Sorry you have been getting flak. It has always been evident to me that you were mindful about who you asked us to consider helping, and the way you phrase the request has never been pushy.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

My blog, my whims.

That should really be enough.

[taffimai.livejournal.com]

Sorry that you've had people giving you trouble over the signal boost. I've been discussing iamzulma's request because it didn't seem right to me, but I didn't mean it to be an attack on you.

You have the right to boost a signal with any amount of research into the situation you wish to or want to do. It's up to your flist to decide for themselves whether the request is reasonable/credible.

And the internet is usually pretty good at self-policing. In my experience, anyway.

[rm.livejournal.com]

While your discussion did get me off my ass to post this, it's not what has me pissed off (that's been a series of less public things that have been brewing for several weeks now), so that's all productive and fine. Thanks for being engaged.

[taffimai.livejournal.com]

Gotcha. Also, if you decide you need help with the "OMG SO MUCH HTML" charity list, I'd be happy to help. I'm better at it than my reply above would indicate.

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

Eminently reasonable rules. I take your links in a "check it out" spirit, not so much in a "donate or die" sort of way; I trust you to understand that it's also my $5 to spend or not. :-) That's how I feel about signal boosts, anyway -- caveat emptor, etc. While there's a great deal of trust within fandom, I feel it's irresponsible to donate if one is not sure enough inside oneself that the cause is legitimate.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your posts where you link to people in need. It's a good thing you do. I'm sorry somebody thinks otherwise.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

The fundraiser aspect of the internet is pretty amazing. I would have been so so screwed had people not helped me pay for my transmission last year.

I can see how people get addicted to asking. And I see the backlash happening. Some people get very angry when they are not helped - they feel entitled, or they feel slighted ("I'm not a famous musician or writer so no one's going to help me"). Others see how easy it can be to have people donate to a cause or a project and they take advantage of that, to the point where they're defriended because their readers feel like every other post is a request for money.

I wish people policed themselves/their requests/their needs better. I've no doubt that legitimate needs and even attempts at alternative income (as in "cyberfunded projects") aren't being posted because people are afraid of being seen in the same light as people who ask all the time. I don't doubt it because I see the discussions that end with, "Well, I'm not going to do it because people will think I'm like so-and-so, or that I don't really need it."

I like the idea of communities and organizations set up to help out a cause at a time, and when I have a steady income I'll look into participating in something like that.

I really respect your wish to help others, and your goal at being cautious in what you do choose to post. Ultimately, you don't owe anyone any signal boosting. I hope the people being less than gracious towards you come to understand that.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I would hate to see people conflating these sorts of efforts with both crowd-funding for creative/community projects as well as people asking for charity in clearly not appropriate circumstances.

I think crowd-funding is a great way to get art, especially independent film, off the ground. Kickstarter.com has a pretty awesome model, which like the fandom-auction scenario sees people get premiums for donating and a bunch of other safeguards.

[bellakara.livejournal.com]

I think you're doing a great job with your blog and I always check it out to see what's there. You've brought a lot of things to people's attention, but it's totally up to you what you blog. It's your journal.

[kaffy_r]

Sorry to hear you've gotten static while boosting signals. I've been impressed as hell with the organized and ad-hoc kindnesses of fandom since I fell into the lj section of it; you and others like you played a part in that; setting some parameters makes all the sense in the world, and doesn't change the good you and others have done. In the end? Your journal, your rules, totally logical.

[lostin-thestars.livejournal.com]

Once again, thank you for helping me out when I needed it. I definitely appreciate it greatly. It made a difference. Those people who ordered Mary Kay will be getting their orders shipped to them this week. I had to wait for it to get to me first so I could package them properly.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Never hesitate to ask me to boost a signal like that. If people are getting product for the money, the theoretical onus on me about how I pick and choose is less.

[lostin-thestars.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Duly noted. On another note, I finally watched Journey's End, and I'm pretty sure I have to start watching Torchwood...

[anivyl.livejournal.com]

Dear RM, I have never met you, and if life goes the way it currently is, I probably won't ever meet you. I have seen some of your requests, if not all, up for support. and those that I can, I have because I trust your judgement enough (let's just say, if put in the same shoes, I recognise that your journal is related to you, sort of, and I understand that you're putting your "reputation" on the line for something you believe needs help in).

I recognise that alot of what you chose to do, or not, is really entirely your business so I will assure you right here and now that I won't pounce on you, and similarly I think you won't pounce on me for the various choices that I make in life.

and for those that choose too... well. they're just being rude :)

and yes, I have added you as a friend and just about never comment. hi there, nice to meet you.

[abnormal-apathy.livejournal.com]

I, for one, love when you post those requests because they provide me with some perspective as well as a chance to do something about it. I don't feel you have an obligation to anyone to post/boost/or not, but I think that it's great when you do bring the awareness. In all of the instances you've posted in the last year, I would not have found out about them otherwise and a few dollars here and there really DO add up to significant possibilities for people.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I've dealt with much the same issues, especially in recent months -- an increase in legitimate requests, an increase in frivolous requests, and an anxiety that I eventually will get criticism, though I haven't had any yet.

Well, aside from the Laptop wank, but that was HP and years ago, so I don't think it counts.

It is an odd and delicate dance, trying not only to balance how many requests for help you post without making the journal a clearinghouse for (legitimate) charities and trying to figure out how to say no to requestors. I've done it, but it's never easy. Kudos to you for working it out, and for knowing that you have to.

[rm.livejournal.com]

How did I miss the detail that you were involved in the laptop wank? Oh too funny.

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

I'm not documented in it. Anywhere. I'm the teflon blogger, swear to god. I was heavily involved, both publicly and behind the scenes, and yet somehow I'm not in any of the wank reports. I think I'm mentioned once in Bad Penny, if that.

I genuinely thought it was a good and kind thing to do, and I still do. I should send you the details in email sometime, it's actually kind of funny.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Considering the other tangentally related chats we've had off camera, I'm sure I'll find it hilarious.

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

I am way behind on my friendslist, so I'm just now reading this, but I want to apologize if my p.m. to you in any way made you feel uncomfortable. I certainly am not angry or upset that you decided not to repost the situation I messaged you about - I figured it didn't hurt to ask, but I would never presume to attempt to obligate you to anything, and I like you either way. :)

anyway, again, I apologize if my message upset you.

[firefly124.livejournal.com]

Hi there. I just re-checked the list, and this falls under #3, so I'm commenting to ask you for a signal boost, please.

liljacks_corner is a new comm that has been set up to write G-rated Doctor Who fic for a little boy who has lost both legs and the only thing that appears to cheer him up at all is DW. He's only seen the 1st two seasons of New Who, so the focus is Doctor and Rose fic. They're looking for writers, artists, plot bunnies/brainstorming, and beta readers to help create either a fic or multiple fics for this boy featuring a character based on the little boy himself.

Thank you.

[bellacrow.livejournal.com]

Hi RM,

I have an odd request. I want to set up an online auction to help raise funds for a friend who's son is in the hospital with some brain issues. Her COBRA is over 700 and Amazon just let her go because she missed to much work, you know how it goes. She's a part of a few great communities that would be sure to contribute goods, buy, and boost the signal. Then I want to contact Amazon to see if they'll match what we raise since she left in good standing.

Which of the auction/fundraisers that you've seen work the best?

thanks, I appreciate any tips you can give

Bella