PSA: Queer
Jun. 18th, 2010 11:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rm(This is an outgrowth of a comment thread I'm having with someone in their journal. If that someone is you, no worries, we're cool).
Queer (as an adjective, we will not be using the noun here) is not inherently synonymous with gay and lesbian or LGBT.1
Many LGBT people do not like or choose to use queer and/or feel it to represent something additional or instead of gay and lesbian or LGBT.
Because queer was originally a slur and not all LGBT people like to use it,2 it's generally best that straight people don't use the word unless talking about people and groups that self-identify as queer.
Queer can be considered a non-assimilationist word. Some LGBT people who are not interested in getting equal rights by proving we're just like straight people prefer the term. (This is like when I rant about how "I'm queer and you can tell and I like it that way.")
Some non-trans people who are gender non-conforming use the term or variations there of (i.e., genderqueer).
Some trans people who are additionally not straight use the term as a shorthand way of encompassing multiple identities.
Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy.
Some people prefer queer because it removes the separation between men and women in the LGBT community, breaks down barriers between bisexual and other orientation identities, and can be more inclusive of the T part of the LGBT (which often gets pushed aside, because oppressed groups can be crappy to each other too).
Others like it because it's only one syllable.
Additionally queer is sometimes used to encompass kink, polyamorous and other non-traditional relationship styles in a way that may or may not be related to LGBT individuals depending on the community.3
As usual, I don't speak for all LGBT or queer people, just myself and my experience of our communities. If you have questions or more to add, consider the comments a free for all. I'm particularly interested in other people's sense and connotations for the word as ongoing discussion in the original thread is revealing that they are highly varied.
1 A commenter reminds me that LGBT is just not enough these days, nor is LGBTQ, which you'll also often see. The full acronym these days often includes not just LGBT, but Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and more.
2 It's also just been brought to my attention that age may be a factor in how one reacts to queer so this PSA might seem more or less peculiar to you depending on your age.
3 Please see comments for additional discussion of this as there is disagreement on this one. It is problematic for many, and I tend to agree, although the arguments for its inclusion in queer also make a lot of sense.
ETA: Please read the comments. This is such an awesome display of diverse identities, respectful discussion about fraught issues and random people making friends I can't quite get over it. I am loving the LJ today.
Queer (as an adjective, we will not be using the noun here) is not inherently synonymous with gay and lesbian or LGBT.1
Many LGBT people do not like or choose to use queer and/or feel it to represent something additional or instead of gay and lesbian or LGBT.
Because queer was originally a slur and not all LGBT people like to use it,2 it's generally best that straight people don't use the word unless talking about people and groups that self-identify as queer.
Queer can be considered a non-assimilationist word. Some LGBT people who are not interested in getting equal rights by proving we're just like straight people prefer the term. (This is like when I rant about how "I'm queer and you can tell and I like it that way.")
Some non-trans people who are gender non-conforming use the term or variations there of (i.e., genderqueer).
Some trans people who are additionally not straight use the term as a shorthand way of encompassing multiple identities.
Some people who would traditionally be called "bisexual" use the term to avoid the reinforcement of a binary gender dichotomy.
Some people prefer queer because it removes the separation between men and women in the LGBT community, breaks down barriers between bisexual and other orientation identities, and can be more inclusive of the T part of the LGBT (which often gets pushed aside, because oppressed groups can be crappy to each other too).
Others like it because it's only one syllable.
Additionally queer is sometimes used to encompass kink, polyamorous and other non-traditional relationship styles in a way that may or may not be related to LGBT individuals depending on the community.3
As usual, I don't speak for all LGBT or queer people, just myself and my experience of our communities. If you have questions or more to add, consider the comments a free for all. I'm particularly interested in other people's sense and connotations for the word as ongoing discussion in the original thread is revealing that they are highly varied.
1 A commenter reminds me that LGBT is just not enough these days, nor is LGBTQ, which you'll also often see. The full acronym these days often includes not just LGBT, but Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual and more.
2 It's also just been brought to my attention that age may be a factor in how one reacts to queer so this PSA might seem more or less peculiar to you depending on your age.
3 Please see comments for additional discussion of this as there is disagreement on this one. It is problematic for many, and I tend to agree, although the arguments for its inclusion in queer also make a lot of sense.
ETA: Please read the comments. This is such an awesome display of diverse identities, respectful discussion about fraught issues and random people making friends I can't quite get over it. I am loving the LJ today.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 11:34 pm (UTC)I do call myself queer sometimes, because I think it sums me up well. And I feel like I can reference my gender identity as well as my sexual orientation.
But I'm also a bit careful about when I use the word, since not everyone sees it the same (I recently tried to explain it to my mom. She had no idea that some people identify as queer, and was only familiar with the word as a slur). And also, I don't want to give people who aren't very familiar with these things the impression that it's okay to call people queer in general. Unless you know someone identifies as queer and is okay with it, I think it's safer to stick to LGBT or a similar term.
And I do call myself bisexual a good deal. For one thing, I feel like if I didn't, I'd be giving into biphobia and assumptions about what it means to be bi. Also, I don't feel like I'm limiting myself by identifying as bisexual. I've never felt that being bi means I can't be attracted to someone who's genderqueer, for example.
The only problem I've had with bisexual is that it does give the impression that I'm going to be actively interested in both men and women. For example, when I tried a couple dating sites and put myself as bisexual, I was hoping to meet women, but I only got attention from straight men. I'm attracted to both men and women, but that doesn't mean the attraction or interest is equal.
I'm kind of undecided about how I feel about kinky and poly calling themselves queer. On the one hand, I think these things can definitely be a part of our sexual identities. I knew, on some level, that I was kinky long before I knew I was interested in women. But it does kind of bother me when people who are straight group themselves with queer people. Especially since being kinky or poly doesn't mean someone is open-minded or a queer ally. I don't know, honestly.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 11:57 pm (UTC)That is the kicker for me, as well. (And when I had forgotten that this was true because I kept to a really small social circle for a while, I got introduced to FetLife, and damned if that knowledge didn't come roaring back in spades. *shudder*)
And I think your point about giving into biphobia/feeding assumptions about bisexuality is a good ones to keep in mind, too; I will admit that queer not only *feels* more accurate for me because of gender issues (both personal and conception thereof) but it takes less energy than dealing with the baggage of bisexuality, most of the time.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 12:31 am (UTC)I'd be lying if I said that biphobia doesn't intimidate me, but I do like the idea of standing up to it. I don't go out of my way to identify as bisexual either, though. I pretty much equally go between that and queer.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-19 12:08 pm (UTC)This is definitely true, but OTOH, I think it's a problem that solves itself -- what kinky and poly person who wasn't an LBGT ally would want to claim the term queer?
As for open minded, that's a whole other axis. I've experienced quite a bit of closed-mindedness, negativity and outright prejudice from pure gay and lesbian people about bisexuality and kink and poly. IMO not being open minded doesn't make one not queer, it just makes them queer and annoying.
In my experience, which I know is not representative, I have had far more of the "queer" experience -- being discriminated against, considered weird or non-existent, being afraid for my legal rights, my job, my partner's child custody or my physical safety -- around being kinky and poly than around being bi, which has mostly been a non-issue. I certainly would never deny any other bi person their place in the movement, but if I personally had only had my bi experience, and not my kinky and poly one, I don't think I'd feel I belonged. And if I wasn't bi, but was kinky and poly, I don't think my experience of being treated as queer would have been any easier.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 12:22 am (UTC)Obviously, it's going to depend a lot on the person. I'm a little concerned about my kinkiness becoming an issue for reasons you state, but it's also something that I don't intend for a lot of people to know about in the first place. On the other hand, I'm much more inclined to see my bisexuality as a public part of my identity. And gender expression is hard to hide. So when I think of myself as queer, those things matter a lot more to me than my kinkiness.
That said, I'm actually pretty on board with considering kinkiness a part of queerness, at least in theory. But I've seen a lot of kinky straight people who don't seem to identify as queer comparing themselves to LGBT people in ways that I feel can oversimplify the matter. There are a lot of similarities, but there are also some differences, which can be a big deal, sometimes. For example, some straight people in BDSM relationships are able to let their friends and family see their relationship as a "normal" husband-wife or boyfriend-girlfriend one if they wish. People in same-sex relationships don't have this option. I think it's hard to generalize, either way.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 12:34 am (UTC)Since I consider my kink more important to my sexuality and general identity than my bi-ness, I don't consider that ability to pass an unmitigated blessing -- it's a lot like being femme for me, it makes it easier in that I *can* stay closeted in a situation where I feel I have to, but since I don't feel my kink is something intrinsically private, it feels like being closeted to me, and it makes it harder in that I have to keep actively coming out over and over because people make wrong assumptions about who I am and then feel betrayed and deceived when they learn those assumptions are wrong.
Also because lots and lots of people don't understand that kink is something anyone can or would want to come out about, and the fact that it's "optional" in that sense makes it harder to explain why I would feel like I was living a lie if I didn't. I get a lot of reactions about kink and poly now the way I read about people reacting to gayness 2 or more generations ago -- as if it were exclusively about sex and therefore nothing you would ever want to talk about.
I definitely get that it's a lot more possible to meet my master and not know we're kinky than it is to meet my girlfriend and not know we're a same sex couple, but honestly I lie less about my life (though more about my partner's identity) by switching pronouns than i do by changing the fundamental dynamic between us.
On a different topic, I've been lucky enough not to encounter any homophobia in the gay community, and i would think, maybe wrongly, that it'd be rare these days, but transphobia is unfortunately pretty common -- as well as homophobia among straight transsexuals. I find that while I feel fine telling one of "us" that we have to accept "them", I don't feel as fine insisting on the reverse -- and when I feel like a "them" to my "us", things get even more hairy.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 03:35 am (UTC)I can definitely see how, when it's big part of your identity or a major part of your relationship, it can be a a whole different thing. And I try not to make assumptions about how people feel about being out or open. Especially since one of my big pet peeves is when people assume that bisexual people only "need" to be out when they're in relationships with people of the same sex (which is like, completely different from my experience).
I guess, too, in my limited experience, I don't feel I can relate quite as much to the BDSM community since it is largely straight and cisgendered and I'm mostly gay and probably not cis.
I wish there wasn't so much "them" and "us," in general. Not much good comes out of it.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-20 04:48 am (UTC)bisexual people only "need" to be out when they're in relationships with
people of the same sex (which is like, completely different from my
experience).
Gah! This! Exactly! Totally there with you! Also that once you're monogamous you're somehow not bi anymore. Because god knows celibate priests are therefore no longer straight...