grr bad!fic

[rm]

Dear all porntastic fanfic writers in every fandom ever:

Can we never, ever refer to ejaculate as "essence" again?

Please?

Thanks!

Comments

[clothing5.livejournal.com]

I'll never look at Emeril the same again...

[rm.livejournal.com]

ROTFL

[genders.livejournal.com]

I'm not in the fandom, but I think I'd vastly prefer "essence" to, say, "spunk".

I've got to start reading some of this stuff.

[cwoolard.livejournal.com]

Think of it as an ironic reference to "Dr. Strangelove".

Or not.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

I'm laughing and cringing at the same time. Nooooooo

[cruentum.livejournal.com]

Lol as opposed to someone above me there, I do prefer "spunk" to "essence" even if both are not exactly ideal. Understatement there.

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

But it *is* essence, right, because the most important part of a person is their ... essence! yeah.

I don't know what's wrong with semen or come (or even cum, though I know that's a more traditonal porn term).

[coatkneedee.livejournal.com]

ahahahahahaha! you "essenced" all over my bathroom, man! XD


gold.

[dskasak.livejournal.com]

Verbing works for ejaculate, but not for essence: "He essenced into his cloak." "She's one of the few women I know who can essence."

No, doesn't work.

[graene.livejournal.com]

It bothers me less than the idea that *every* male orgasm involves their soul being sucked out of them. By the end of the fic, some of these guys must have less soul left than Voldemort.

[afterthree.livejournal.com]

*snort*

I just sprayed the tea I was drinking all over my monitor. Fantastic.

[weirdquark]

See, that would actually make for an interesting premise.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

*horrified*

[redstapler.livejournal.com]

I LOL'd.

But I also am one who makes cracks about "stealing precious essences and fluids" with the men I fuck.

So.

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

Oh you have got to be fucking kidding.

Did someone with a penis write that?

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it ties with "cum" for ick.

[shipchan.livejournal.com]

I always think of someone ejaculating perfume when I read that.

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Now I realize why some bad porn makes me think the semen smells like hair relaxer cream. But I suppose most fanfic authors don't equate "essence" with "Black ladies' beauty magazine one reads at the beauty supply store".

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

Well, that's kind of like Angel's gypsy curse, isn't it? :p

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

*dies* oh yes, that is cheesy.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

I would second the call with regard to Emeril, but I've had hot makeouts/oral sex while Food Network is on, so it's already basically ruined.

The real question is whether or not Jack shouted "BAM!" when he achieved orgasm.

[rm.livejournal.com]

The "BAM!" you just heard was my head slamming into my keyboard.

This has been about the funniest thing I've ever posted thanks to the comments (but you wouldn't believe how many people have unfriended me over it).

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Uh. Do you require medical attention?

And I'm a little stunned. Unfriended? Really? That blows my mind a little bit. Huh.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Ah now. Just been laughing so hard over every comment to this thing.

Meanwhile. Yeah. I can never tell if it's fannish people who are offended or non-fannish people who really wish I wouldn't talk about cock so much.

[stasha2g]

And if you must, at least let it not be pungent essence, please?

[rm.livejournal.com]

Everytime I think I've found the worst fic habits out there you peopel show up with adjectives.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Hahaahahah. I never thought of that, but you're so entirely right.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

See, that's the thing. Either way, the people running and screaming are missing out. Here's why:

• Cock is at least amusing even if you're not into it. I mean, really. Did someone just glue those bits on? It's like someone just wandered past and went, "Right. Here's your tackle. Just stick that on right about...oh, close enough."
  
• What this needs to be is a call for submissions for use of "essence" in dialogue as an embarrassed euphemism for semen. Example: The police constable gave Ianto an uncomfortable look. "Well, you see, the coat was covered in the perpetrator's, ah, essence, as it were..."
  
• I'm sure I had a reason number three, and therefore justification for the bulleted list, but that's escaping me just now. Instead, I'll tell you that last night I ate some of my boyfriend's leftovers from Waffle House. With barbecue sauce.

[rm.livejournal.com]

Oh man. I totally woke Patty up laughing at this. It's a real toss-up as to whether the second or third bullet point killed me more.

Emeril's essence

[valancy17.livejournal.com]

I can't use my "Essence of Emeril" without thinking of Dr. Strangelove and porn.

[splix.livejournal.com]

But that's straight out of Dr. Strangelove. It's made of awesome.

[lorem_ipsum]

Ahahahaha... while we're at it, can we get rid of "core" for "vagina"?

[gement.livejournal.com]

Depends on the era and the person's brain. I mean, Jack wouldn't think "spunk." But Owen might. Only an alien who was getting way too far into the technobabble would even consider thinking "essence."

Side note, driving me crazy in my period writing: people have been using the word "come" as an orgasmic verb for centuries, but as a fluid noun for only a hundred years. "Spunk," on the other hand, is a noun meaning vigor and so on (with presumable side uses) since the 16th century. But I don't like how it sounds either.

All of these are preferable to "love juice," mind.

Also, reading the other comments, it's stupidly hysterical that people unfriend you over this sort of thing. I hope it's the ones who just don't want to hear you talk about cock. Because, really, if their tolerance is set that low? They're probably the ones that found the phallus in the Little Mermaid castle.

That should now be a euphemism for something. Can a euphemism include the word "phallus" if it's a euphemism for something else?

[arcanetrivia]

Ohgod, that one's a lot worse than "essence". "Essence" just makes me shake my head a little and go on. (As someone else said, what's wrong with "semen" or "come"?) "Core" is somewhere much higher in the abdomen. And please don't put your penis there, thanks.

[andromeda0604.livejournal.com]

Lmao, seriously that is the last word i would use to describe a man's, but maybe a woman's just cause it sounds delicate.